{Nuva Ring} She Had to Break, Before She Could Shine

Posted on November 13, 2015 by NinjaInTheCity

One email told me that my settlement check had been cut and mailed out. I knew that the post office closed at 5PM, so today wasn’t going to be my ending. I got home at 5:10, breezed past my Birchbox and opened the mail box to find the all important “we missed you card.” The back of the card said the post office was open til 5:30 PM, it was 5:10, I knew I could make it and I did with 8 minutes to spare. Damn it door is locked, I show the man looking out the window my card. He opens it a crack to tell me they are closed, I explained “sir the back of the card says 5:30.” He points to the hours on the door, the door says Close 5:00 PM and 3:30 PM on Saturdays, again I pointed to what the card said. He explained he was the supervisor and they were closed. I had come so close, yet so far from being done.

I could feel the tears fighting through, I looked at the man and said “Sir, I have been waiting six years for this letter, I know waiting one more day won’t hurt, but you see Sir that letter is my closure, its a settlement check, a check I’ve been waiting six years to see. He started to notice the tear rolling down my cheek, he said “here let me look at that, I don’t normally make exceptions, just wait here ok. He closed the door and disappeared inside, he emerged a few minutes later and told me to come in. In his hand was the letter with a logo I have seen dozens of times, but today it meant it was all over, I just needed to sign and closure would finally be mine. I tearfully thanked him for making the exception, explaining he has no idea what his kindness meant to me.

The tears began to fall, I sat in the drivers seat holding the envelope in my hands, quickly realizing that my tears were staining the envelope, I figured I should probably open it. I did, never in a million years did I think I would see this day. Never in a million years did I think I would see a check. It was just this distant far away untouchable thing, that was never meant to be mine. Yet, there it was in my hands, my name was spelled correctly, its mine and mine alone. I was never in this for the money, I am humbled by what I received. The check doesn’t take away what happened or undo the past six years or bring back my son, but in some way it validates that what happened to me was wrong. Merck never had to admit wrong doing, they will not be held accountable for the deaths or thousands of injuries that the Nuva Ring caused, they simply just had to payout and walk away to operate another day.

I never signed up to get rich, I wanted to stand up for myself and to prevent this from happening to anyone else. Having your life change in seconds scars you, it changes you in ways words cannot begin to describe. If I would have known that this little plastic ring would bring me to the brink of death, I would have left it on the prescription pad and asked my doctor for something else. We as humans cannot see into the future nor can we relive the past, we are in this haze called the here and now, it holds us and comforts us, in away it protects us from the journey ahead. Because if we knew our road was going to be lined with pot holes, tears, and fear, we would stop traveling and stay just as we are. October 22, 2009 taught me more lessons than I could ever begin to explain, it taught me to fight for myself and to always listen to my body, because she will never steer me wrong. It taught me to love my friends like sisters, to cherish my family, to dance on the good days and to fight on the bad. Faith is something I always have, as long as she is at my back, I will face the wind and sail the angry seas.

Survival is a funny thing, you go through phases and it is an ever changing sea, no wave nor current is the same. There are moments where I feel guilty because I lived and someone else’s daughter died. One out of five people will survive a pulmonary embolism with infarction, one out of five is a shitty equation if you ask me. I feel guilty that I have no long term physical or cognitive side affects from my Stroke. I see other stroke survivors struggling and my heart breaks, I know why my out come was different than there’s and it kills me inside to know that if they had received TPA there outcome most likely would have been like mine. I am forever in debt to my Woodwinds care team, One question saved me, if the doctor never paused to ask “are you on a birth control,” my mom would have picked out my urn instead of my 27th Halloween themed birthday cake. Woodwinds will always have a place in my heart, because its where my second story began.

Looking back my second story has been a beautiful disaster. A disaster that is mine and mine alone, I would not trade this journey for anything in the world. On October 22, 2009 I had no idea that one moment would lead me to give a speech on the capital steps in front of members of congress. I had no idea that I would be come a You’re the Cure Advocate and lobby in Washington D.C., I had no idea that I would be a voice that would help get the MN Stroke System of Care passed and funded. I had no Idea that I would be a Go Red Spokeswoman who shined on billboards and a public service announcement. Money doesn’t matter, using your story to make a difference is how you fight back, fighting back is what matters. Merck may never have to admit their wrong doing, but I can tell the world what happened to me, through my story I can save another woman’s life. I can get her to think about her heart health, her risks, and get her to ask her doctor questions, questions that will lead to answers that will improve her quality of care and ultimately her quality of life.

I am who I am because of Merck and the Nuva Ring, they will always be apart of me. In one moment of disaster I found my purpose and I am never leaving my soap box. But the thing is behind every thriving survivor is an amazing village of supporters. I am so grateful to have the worlds greatest best friends, Sherri, Jilliann, Lisa, and Tara never left my side, on the bad days they picked me up and pushed me to go a little bit further. My parents, they are the rock in which I build my house upon, they gave me strength when I had none. My Mama always looked over my INR numbers and medication lists to make sure the doctors were treating me correctly. My Dad and I are like two little old men sitting on a porch discussing chest pain and the days gone by where we could run and fight to live another day. Now we just sit in our rockers and watch the world go by, running is for the young folks and well neither of us would win a fight. My dad has rescued me from more tight spots than I can count, he’s never seen the ocean, he made damn sure that I traveled the globe not once but twice, so I am paying it forward, I am taking my Dad to the seashore, I want him to feel the mist and to stand on the edge of the world.

I got a chance to be the Auntie that I was always meant to be. Sophia and Jack could be learning about me from old photos and their mama’s memories. Because of early intervention and research their Auntie was saved, they get to hold her hand. The day I became an Auntie is the day my heart healed, Sophia and I have been bonded since day one, little Jack is learning all about super Auntie. Those two have my heart and there will always be a surprise for them in my purse. Sophia and Jack are why, there tomorrows are what I am fighting for. Both of them deserve to grow up in a world free of heart disease and stroke.

Second Chances are far from perfect. Lucia was to be the sun after my storm. Instead God had other plans and just as before the winds of change blew through and I had to sail the waves of grief. Losing Lucia allowed me to put myself first, I called it quits and walked out of my loveless marriage. Divorce was not an end, it was merely a beginning. I traded the ex-husband in for a little muppet like dog, which is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. You can never go wrong with a dog. On a hot August day a small white dog with a big gray nose rescued a human and he never looked back. Cullen became the glue that kept me together, as long as I had him at my side, I was never alone. Together we took on uptown, strolled through the parks and picked up glass on the beach. Cullen has provided me with endless laughter, he makes the bad days brighter and life is more fun with a muppet like dog at my side. Cullen was the love that my heart needed.

Love found its way in, Charlie will always be apart of me, I think that in away Charlie knew that he was not my forever, only a mere moment. He allowed me to be, to heal, and to find myself. Charlie allowed me to believe in love again and when he died, my heart broke. Yet I knew Charlie wanted me to carry on with living and not be stuck in the land of what if. I had to break before I could shine. Jay fell into my in box at the perfect time, my heart it was ready to love again. Jay’s love was the glue that my heart needed. With each date I began to fall for him. In Jay I found home, he has my heart and I have his. Jay joined me on the tail end of the Nuva Ring law suit journey, I am glad that he is at the end, because together we can turn the page and walk away to start a new chapter. Because this is only the beginning the best is yet to come.

There were moments where I wanted to throw in the towel and give up this fight. But then I looked in the mirror, I faced a woman who lived through the worst day possible. She never thought the birth control she took would almost take her life. She was weary and weathered, yet she still faced the sun. Her womb carried children she never met, yet she still has faith that one day she will hold a baby in her arms. Her heart was broken and jaded, yet she still manages to love. Little did she know, she just had to break before I could shine. I am living on borrowed time, my life it is a beautiful disaster and each day I am standing above ground means that the best is yet to come.

Merck you may have won this battle, but the war, it rages on. I will not give up until there are none, because no woman deserves to fight alone.

{Happy Birthday} Goodbye 32, Hello 33

Posted on October 27, 2015 by NinjaInTheCity

I of all people know that with trial comes triumph. We cannot have the good moments without the bad. It’s how the world turns, no one’s life is meant to be perfect. A perfect life is a life not well lived. Mistakes are lessons and trials are our teachers, with each trial we gain strength.

32, was a gosh darn great year. I have finally found my stride and I’ve come to terms with the fact that “life goes on.” In February I graced billboards, bus stop posters, and the TV screen raising awareness for women’s heart health. Being part of the Go Red Campaign was a privilege and an honor, I got to meet some amazing ladies that I now call my friends.

From billboard to DC, never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be giving a speach on the Capital Steps next to Nancy Pelosi and other members of congress. The American Heart Asssociation, gave me the opportunity to share my health insurance journey with the nation. I got to thank members of congress for securing my healthy tomorrow.

Life, it goes on and love, it finds a way in. Never in a million years did I think year 32 would be the year I fell in love, again. I let myself fall, fall for a man who loves me for me and accepts that our life isn’t meant to be perfect.

On Mother’s Day Jay and I found out that we were expecting. I was terrified the impossible just became possible. Jay was excited, he spent time looking up baby items online, we started to plan out our nursery, picked out named, and I slowly let myself love our baby. Only to have my dream dashed.

Our baby, baby E was not meant to be. Right now I should be 6.5 month pregnant, I’m not, our little sac never formed a fetal pole. Two sperms, they said fertilized the egg and a pathology report said it was a partial molar pregnancy. It just wasn’t meant to be, someone needed a baby more than we did, motherhood was so close yet eluded me in year 32. I have faith that my 3rd and Jay’s second pregnancy will be the charm, mother is a job that I desperately want.

In July it became official I was no longer a single girl, I was engaged, I belonged to someone and that is what I’ve always dreamed of, I wanted to belong and not be alone.

My nephew Jack arrived in July and I fell in love all over again, he has his auntie wrapped around his little finger. Sophia is getting bigger by the day, she is turning into a sassy little lady. I love those two littles with all of my heart, the greatest title I have is Auntie, there is no better job than that.

32, was my teacher, it taught me to never lose faith and that if I believe in myself anything is possible. I will walk away from 32 knowing that my body is still capable of creating life, my heart she may be weak, but she beats on, and that I am more than a dollar sign. Merck will always be apart of me, year 32 is the end of the Nuvaring’s chapter, life it goes on.

With my muppet like dog by my side, my life quietly fell into place. I have a man that I adore, I got a new job that I love, and I’ve got hope for a very bright 33.

{Hearts on 22} Life, It Goes On

Posted on October 22, 2015 by NinjaInTheCity

“Dear 26 year old Self,

If I had known what was going to happen today I would never have gotten out of bed. But you being the optimist got up, you put your cranberry colored flats on, left a half eaten muffin on the counter, guzzled some coffee, and drove off to work. You just started a new job, a new challenge always gets us excited you were knee deep in learning the ins and outs of repossessions and collections. Because you were knee deep in lets face it we were trying to impress our new boss, so we brushed off our gut feeling that something was wrong.

Since Monday you brushed away the sick feeling, the raging pain, fever, shortness of breath, and everything else you did not have time for. You made it to the Sun Ray shopping center, you started to feel an annoying stab in your lugs, you being you ignored this. The situation did not improve and by the time you reached Saint Paul you could barely breath. Yet for some reason you thought you’d be all right, truth is you were not all right. Something in you made you take the Lexinton Parkway exit and head back to Woodbury.

Turning around was the best decision you made that day. You contemplated going home, the voice in your head said go to the ER, thank God you listen to it. Within an hour you were told that your situation looked bleak, your chance of walking out of there alive was slim. Your oxygen level was below 50%, a massive clot was blocking the main valve to your heart, and not to mention a few of your lung sacks exploded, and to top it off you had a stroke. You my dear almost died five days before our golden birthday.

Year 26 was to be the end of your story, but something in you decided “today is not the day” and you reached down to grab the last shred of hope you had and fought back. You AJ got the best birthday present. It did not come in a box with a fancy bow nor did it have a pretty gift tag, you got a second chance, you got life. There is no greater gift than the gift of life. Smile young lady, you are the 1 out of 5 who got to walk away and live another day.”

Life, it goes on.

There are not enough words in the English language to describe how amazing my survivor journey has been. I have gotten to do a lot of incredible things that would not have been possible without the fast action of the Woodwinds ER team, nurses and staff. I am alive today because they looked past the norm and dug deeper to find out why this healthy young woman could no longer breath.

The clot was found because the Doctor took the time to ask me five little words: “are you on birth control?” Those five words saved my life, because I said yes a d-dimer was order, that test lead to the CT scan that found the massive clot in my left lung. I have no long term cognitive or physical side affects from my stroke because I received the life saving clot busters, they made all the difference and allowed me to walk out of that hospital on my own.

Ever since that day I set out into this world to make sure no other woman had to endure my fate, I have succeeded in this. My story has educated and saved countless lives. “Oh the places a birth control related P.E. and Stroke will take you!” From billboard, to public service announcement, to the steps of the United States Capital building, my story has been heard loud and clear, and my struggles are paving the way so that others can know the sign of blood clots and stroke.

I do not consider myself a victim and I refuse to live in the Nuvaring’s shadow, I am a survivor and Merck can never take that away from me. It doesn’t matter that Merck does not have to accept responsibility for my injury, I know that there product did this me. In away that moment of disaster catapulted me into an amazing second chance that is filled with passion and purpose. Nuvaring almost took my life, it will not take my second chance away from me, that is mine and mine alone.

Life, it goes on. I became a mama to a baby in heaven not once but twice. I got divorced, rented my first apartment ever, adopted a dog, quit my job without a plan, only to find a job that I hands down love, and I managed to find MYSELF. I got to watch my niece take her first steps, hear her little voice yell “AUNTIE” excitedly, and mostly I get to bond with her as I paint her little toes pretty colors. I’ve gotten to reconnect with my parents through crazy little road trips and spent my summers collecting glass on the beach. I fell love only to fall out of it. I miss Charlie every day, but I have to believe that he somehow lead me to Jay, in Jay I found home and soon I will be his wife. I got to meet and hold my nephew Jack, his sweet little chubby cheeks will melt your heart.

If it were not for the Woodwinds ER staff and medical research the fore mentioned would not have been possible. My niece and nephew would be learning about me through photos. Jay and Charlie would never of had the chance to fall in love with me. There would have been no participating in the Go Red campaign, there would have been no participating in lobby days or giving a speech on the capital steps, and this blog would have ceased on 10/22/2009. My Mama would have picked out my urn instead of my 27th Halloween themed birthday cake, and my story would have ended as silently as it started. I am alive today because of RESEARCH, research is what saved me, and I will support medical research for as long as I am standing. Because if you need proof, its right here, I am proof that it does and will continue to save lives.

Words cannot express how thankful I am for the doctors and nurses at WoodWinds Health Campus, that place is more than a hospital, it is where my second story begins and for that I am grateful, grateful that because of the care I received, I got to walk out of the front instead of being rolled out of the back door.

To learn more about Pulmonary Embolisms and Women’s Heart Health Please visit the following sites:

Pulmonary Embolism: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pulmonary-embolism/basics/definition/con-20022849

To learn more about blood clots: http://www.stoptheclot.org/

Women’s Heart Health: https://www.goredforwomen.org/

To learn more about strokes: http://www.strokeassociation.org/STROKEORG/

To join us in the fight for a healthy tomorrow: https://yourethecure.org/aha/advocacy/default.aspx

To learn more about the dangerous side affects of the NuvaRing: http://nuvaringtruth.com/

“Educate yourself and safe a life today”

{Lucia & Baby E} My Babies You Will Always Be

Posted on October 5, 2015 by NinjaInTheCity

“For as long as I am breathing, my babies you will always be”

In story books, everything is perfect. Girl meets her prince, her prince knocks her up, and nine months later the family of two becomes three. The writers make pregnancy out to be magical and easy. On the pages, every woman gets pregnant, every marriage is a happy one, and every child gets a happy ever after.

I am jealous. Jealous of fertile Myrtle who lives down the lane. For she gets pregnant with ease and carries her babies to term without worry. Blood clots, stroke, and irregular heart beats never cross Myrtle’s mind. She does not have to wonder “should I take my shot at 2pm or wait until I get home?” Myrtle never has to look up at a screen and hear the words “I am so sorry” as they squeeze her shoulder. Myrtle doesn’t know the heart ache of seeing a lifeless baby on the screen. She does not know what it’s like to have a doctor say “maybe it’s to early, maybe next week we will see a big healthy yolk and a fetal pole!” Myrtle does not have to drive home fighting back tears as she looks in the rear view mirror wondering “why me, why my baby.”

I desperately want to be Myrtle. I want to be able to not just carry, but to hold my own flesh and blood. To look my living child in the eyes and to watch them grow. After Lucia I had lost all hope, countless times I was told “no more babies.” That pregnancy wasn’t safe for me and that my uterus was to beaten to function. I made peace with my fate, that my only child is in heaven. Lucia will always be my first and I will love him until my last day on earth. My baby he will always be.

Maybe I just needed time to heal and recover……… On Mother’s Day I looked down at a bright blue plus sign. The impossible, happened. I was terrified and thrilled that my rainbow was on board. I did my best not to get attached. Jay was over the moon and he wanted to be apart of every appointment. We started picking names, planning the nursery, and talking about our future. The excitement was short lived, this rainbow was not meant to be ours.

This baby wasn’t meant for us. At our first ultrasound an empty sac is all they saw. It measured correctly 6weeks 6 days, but no sign of life was inside. The sac it grew bigger, yet nothing took up residence. No yolk, no fetal pole. I looked up at the sky and I knew that this wasn’t meant to be. Jay said “babes it’s just wasn’t CoraLeigh.” He secretly wanted a girl and fell in love with the name CoraLeigh.

My body is a dick and it didn’t want to let go of the pregnancy. I didn’t want a D&C, I held out until it was evident that I wouldn’t misscarry on my own. A plan was made, ultrasound and antibiotics were on deck and on July 7, I went under. Surgery went well, the hysteroscope showed that my uterus was healthy and not bruised. The doctor said “she can and will be able to carry babies.” I can have babies too. Those are the only words I needed to hear.

Baby E, was more than an empty sac. The pathology exam found that it was a partial molar pregnancy, meaning two sperm fertilized one egg and abnormal cells took over. Jay and I didn’t fail, our little baby just had to many chromosomes, it was a genetic accident, this little one wasn’t meant to be.

I am 2 and 0. God holds my babies. I have my days where I wonder what Lucia would be like today. He would be 5 and in kindergarten. I wonder if he would have my curly hair, or his dad’s eyes, and if his smile could light up a room. If he would be a wall flower or daring like his mom. Lucia was here for a brief moment yet he left foot prints on my heart. My baby he will always be.

If Baby E had the correct number of chromosomes I would be 6 months pregnant today. We would know if we were expecting CoraLeigh or Oliver. We secretly wanted a girl, but we’ll take anything we can get. Jay and I would be putting the finishing touches on the nursery and picking out the perfect car seat. I would be knee deep in appointments, ultrasounds, and Lovenox injections. I want those things, I desperately want those things.

Losing a child, makes you want children even more. I want to prove to the world that I am capable of carrying a baby to term and that I am worthy of being a mom. Jay and I have so much love to give, we are patient and kind, good parents we will surely be. I have faith that my third time and Jay’s second time will be the charm.

One out of four women will experience pregnancy loss. I never thought I would be the one twice. Never did I think I would be 2 and 0. Babies seem to elude me, yet I have faith that my turn is right around the corner.

{Charlie} Ruin Is A Gift

Posted on September 20, 2015 by NinjaInTheCity

A few weeks back I was sitting in a park sipping on a berry white mocha with a dear friend when she brought up the fact that I no longer write about Charlie. She asked me “Do you not love him anymore AJ? Do you not miss him anymore?” The thing about loss is we never stop loving or missing someone. There are moments where I wish he would just pop up and start spewing advice that I don’t think I need. Charlie will always be apart of me and there is no removing him from my story. Charlie showed me and taught me what love was. He allowed me to put faith into another human being, he allowed me to move in a space that I didn’t even understand. The greatest lessons, those lessons came after his death. Ruin is a gift, it allows us to travel the road of transformation.

Earlier in the summer I sat at my sister’s kitchen table playing connect four with Sophia. As I dropped my black checker in the slot, I studied her face, how excited she was, how she knew she was about to win (I let her win), and about how Charlie would give anything to be here. I quickly wiped my tears away so she wouldn’t see and plopped the checker in the slot. It had been three years since I played a game of connect four and I could have sworn Charlie was in the room with us. I thought about Charlie as I held my nephew in my arms, about how he got cheated out of holding his brother Coleman’s babies and of how those babies got cheated out of an uncle.

Life it is unfair, there is no way around that fact, life is not kind to the soul. Some of us have to travel roads littered with loss, while others travel road littered with promise and certainty. I will take the harder road, because on that road I am living, as in truly living. Uncertainty reminds me to live in each moment, to breath in each moment, and to appreciate each day I am allowed to face the sun. No ones tomorrow is promised, all of us are ticking clocks and only fate knows when the last hand will strike. Almost dying taught me to live this way, to live in the here and now and to travel on the road less taken. Losing Lucia taught me that it was ok to be angry with God and it also reminded me that God knows what he is doing.

God does not desert us in the muck of our lives, he stays the course and sees that we come out of the muck changed. Losing Lucia prepare me for losing my second pregnancy. This time I was not angry, in it I found hope. The doctors were wrong. I have hope. Hope, that my body can and will support a growing pregnancy. It was a genetic accident, two sperm fertilized one egg and it just wasn’t meant to be. I walked away from this with faith that my 3rd time and Jay’s 2nd time will be the charm.

Charming, that is one word to describe Charlie, he had his quirks and his skills, but in the end he was charming. He took a broken woman and loved her back to health. In away I think Charlie knew that fate was not on his side and that he was preparing me to be another man’s wife. He died loving me and for that I am forever grateful. Charlie taught me to believe in love again and he reminded me of how to love someone. I had to learn how to love myself before I could love another person. I had to heal myself before I could even think about helping someone else heal. I had to just be, to just be in the moment and love being alone with the person in the mirror.

Love, I never lost her she was always there waiting in he shadows and when I was ready I opened my heart. Fate had a hand, an opportunity to love fell into my inbox on Veteran’s Day. That one email lead me to Jay, a man that I love and understand with all of my heart. His ability to be raw and open is what captured my heart. He is not perfect, then again no buddy is, yet he was exactly what I needed. Jay slipped a silver band on my finger in a motel swimming pool, in that moment his eyes were brimming with love and fear. We all fear what we cannot see, or touch or know, yet in those moments of fear we let the light and love shine through. In those moments we become our best selves and open our hearts to those around us.

Charlie is always with me and a part of my heart will always belong to him. Even thou he is dead, Charlie is still teaching me from the grave. Every now and then I look up at the stars and whisper the constellations to a man I cannot see. That man will be honored when I marry Jay, when we give our future child the middle name Rae, when I take Sophia to Paris and each day that I live the best life possible. Charlie would want me to be happy. Charlie would want me to live a life outside of the shadow of grief and to have the love that he never got to have. An I am doing just that, I am fine with the fact that change is constant and that I cannot control fate. I am deeply in love, I am hopeful, and I am present in this life.

{Family} Dusty Shelves & Knickknacks

Posted on September 8, 2015 by NinjaInTheCity

On a hot August evening I turned right on a gravel road, drove past the church my parents were married in and took a left at the fork to head down a road I’ve traveled many times. At the bottom of the hill sits an old gray farm house with a weathered barn, a plot of land that has seen many storms. On the ramp stood my uncle George, the years have aged him, yet his eyes were still the same. He puffed on his cigar as my mama and I walked up the drive, he couldn’t take his eyes off of me.

When I approached George he smiles and said “Mandy the last time I saw you, you were this big…” The last time I was on the farm I was girl and I returned 20 some years later as a woman. A woman trying to dig for memories of a farm she barely knew. I have few memories of the farm, I remember my grandpa sitting on the swing in only his shorts and boots, a dog with one blue eye and one brown named smokey, and the unwelcoming face of my grandmother.

My fondest memory of my grandpa is from when I was about 6 George told me if I helped him plant corn, I could play with the baby chickens. I obliged because I wanted to play with the baby chickens. I planted the corn for what seemed like forever when I heard my grandpa’s voice “handy Mandy what the fuck are you doing?!” I excitedly exclaimed “I’m helping George plant so I can play with the chickens!” My grandpa said to me “you don’t need to plant no fucking corn! Come on now.” With that we were off to the grainery to play with the chicks. Grandpa sat down on a bucket and scooped one up and put the chick in my hands, he reminded me “not to tight handy Mandy you will squish the chick.” I remember how my Grandpa would sing “this little piggy” while playing with my toes and he always called me “handy Mandy.”

Being on the farm that night felt odd. I was going through the remains of lives that I never knew. As I walked through the house I so desperately wanted to remember something about my grandma. I wanted to feel connected to a woman that never took the time to know me. I touched her things, ran my fingers across the dusty shelves, and stood in her kitchen, nothing came to mind. George puffed on his cigar as I opened and closed kitchen drawers. I looked at him and said “its incredibly strange to be going through the things of a woman I never knew.” He squeezed my shoulder, in that moment he understood that I was looking for a connection to the past that just wasn’t there.

In the bedroom my Mama was going through the drawers of an old dresser, the drawers were full of photos. In one we found every single photo, card, letter, and drawing that my sister and I had sent to our grandparents. My grandma held on to my high school graduation, college graduation, and wedding invitations. Every single Christmas card that I sent to her was right there in the drawer. I held back tears as I held the photos in my hands. I couldn’t believe that grandma had kept them all, in those drawers I found truth, she secretly considered us hers. Even thou she never had a kind word to say or the time of day to give to us, she secretly loved us.

Each room was overly dusty and filled with knickknacks that they had lovingly collected. The house by the time I got there was well picked over and hardly anything was left of the couple who had 13 children. Grandpa’s music boxes lined the shelves, Indian statutes were abundant, old photos of grand kids were plenty, and somehow in what was left I got to touch the past. George kept showing me things he thought I would like and told me “take whatever you want Mandy.” I didn’t want to seem greedy so I carefully chose the items that went into my box.

My box of things has been riding around in my trunk for almost a month, I am not ready to bring her things into my home. Bringing them in means I accept that she was mine and that I was hers. Mentally I am not ready to forgive her and I am not ready to let her things which are her memories into my life. So in a box inside the trunk they will sit until the day comes that I have made peace with the woman I never knew.

Irene and Clifford

{Muppet like Dog} It was me who got rescued

Posted on August 13, 2015 by NinjaInTheCity

Cullen’s Freedom Ride

It’s hard to believe that five years ago today I left work sick “cough cough” and drove 6 hours to get a dog. A dog that I had never seen, but Pam and Carrie said was the perfect fit for me. I trusted the Whipstaff Ranch ladies and I knew in my heart that this was meant to be.

They told me his name was Cullen, that he was mistreated and locked in a crate for the majority of his life. He was just another puppy mill victim awaiting death because his coloring was off and he couldn’t be sold.

The ranch caught wind of this and rescued Cullen and his brothers from their unavoidable fate. Cullen was the last to find a home, for he was to shy and afraid of the world around him. This little one would need an understanding heart and unconditional kindness to bring him out.

In their minds I was that understanding heart, Carrie and Pam believed in me and allowed me to be his mom. Cullen had this look of fear in his eyes, a fear of the unknown. He was leaving the only kind souls he knew and heading off into the unknown. He was broken, but not defeated. Carrie hugged Cullen and told him “watch over her and have a good life sweet boy” and she placed him in the back seat of the Prius. With a heart filled thanks we headed off on the long drive back to the city.

The city is very different from Solaway, it’s filled with new sounds, smells, and OMG grass! Cullen was unsure of me, he found solitude under my bed. He would only come out to eat or drink when I was at work. I spent my nights laying on the floor staring at a terrified dog, often crying and wondering “did I do the right thing.” I was freshly separated, on the heels of a divorce, and this was my companion and he didn’t want anything to do with me. That is until about a 10 days later, I was playing angry birds on my iPad and I felt something wet on my knee. I looked down and there was Cullen with his chin on my knee looking at me like “I’ll be your dog if you be my human.”

Cullen jumped into my lap and I sobbed into his scruffy little head. From that moment on he has been joined to my hip. Cullen goes where ever I go and he is never that far behind me. Overtime he found himself, the little shy dog faded and the super dog took hold.

Cullen found his bark, prefers paper over toys, only wants his treats to be chewy and not crunchy. He prefers that his dinner come from the fridge and not a bag. He thinks he’s a cat, tiny dogs are not his thing, now show him a cat and he will make a new best friend. Mention Grandma’s house and he is at the door ready to go. He is my trusty little side kick and I will go to the ends of the earth to protect him.

I may have rescued him, but in the end it was me who got rescued. Cullen has been the constant in the ever rolling sea of change. He took the loneliness out of the long nights, in his eyes I found peace and nudges from his big gray nose reminded me that I am never alone. Together we took on the world, he brought me out of my shell and helped me find myself.

This little dog of mine has seen me through the good, the bad, and the darn right ugly parts of my life. He kept me company when I was recovering from surgery, we made countless new friends both two and four legged at the dog park, and he judged all of my dates and let me know which ones were keepers. Cully nuzzled up against me as I wrote charlie’s eulogy and he stood by my side as I packed up Charlie’s things. Charlie loved cully as much as I did. He understand that the muppet like dog was the glue that held me together.

With time my heart healed. I was ok with being single and went about my way. On Veterans Day a new man walked into our lives and to cully’s surprise he had cats! To my surprise cully hopped right up on the couch and sniffed Jay, wagged his tail and waited for a scratch. In that moment I knew cully approved and I slowly began to let myself fall in love with Jay.

Nine months later we are planning a wedding and mostly a future together. This little rescue dog of mine is proudly going to walk his mama down the isle. There is no better way to start the next chapter of my life, than with Cullen at my side.

photo by Stephanie Rryan Photography

For it was me who got rescued that August day.

{Life Lessons} Irene, She Died Today

Posted on June 7, 2015 by NinjaInTheCity

While grocery shopping I received a Facebook Message from my cousin telling me that Grandma had passed away. I know I should be sad, that I should be having all sots of feels about losing my Grandma. Truth is: “I have no feels, cause the woman that died today was never my Grandma.”

She is and will always be nothing more than Irene to me. She is the Mother of my father and that is where our connection ends. A few weeks before I was born my parents totaled their truck in a rollover accident and they were waiting for the new one to be delivered. I came before the new truck did. On the day I was discharged from the hospital my Dad called Irene and asked for a ride home. Irene told him to call a cab. What kind of Grandma tells her son to call a cab? I grew up less than 15 miles from the farm yet I only saw Irene and my Grandfather a handful of times. She never came to town to visit us and on the few times my Dad brought us out to the farm she was never happy to see us. I never got a hug let alone a hello. Irene drew the line long ago that she was not going to be apart of my life.

Where Irene failed others stepped in. Dorothy Simonson stepped up and was the Grandma we never asked her to be. Ms. Dorothy lived in the yellow house next door and from the moment my sister and I were born, we were her grand daughters.. This woman loved my sister and I more than life its self. We were Dorothy’s world and she was ours. Dorothy taught me how to bake, to can, and garden. Dorothy stepped up where Irene failed, as a child I was sick and Dorothy often looked after my sister while my parents were at the hospital. To this day I remember coming home after my surgery Dorothy, my sister and my Dad were standing on the curb waiving as hard as they could to welcome me home. Dorothy was so very glad to see me and to have me back in her kitchen eating raspberries and discussing little girl fantasies.

Dorothy was not the only little lady that looked after me. When I was about six years old Cora came to live with Dorothy and I had a new best friend. Cora was in her early 90’s and we bridged the age gap with games of dominos and lemonade. I thought I was the coolest little girl on the planet, I had my Grandma and Cora living next door to me. Cora taught me so much in our short time together, I learned how to be frugal, to be a lady, plus she gave me coffee (shhhh don’t tell my mom), and because of her I can play a pretty mean game of dominos. Cora and Dorothy always came to my school programs, looked on at field days, and kept me entertained during summer breaks.

My heart broke on the day Cora died, I was 11 and she was 97, I cried for days. I was so mad at God, Cora’s goal was to live to be 100, she died just 3 years shy of her goal. Every year I write Cora a letter and bring it to her grave. I make sure that her stone is cleared of debris and that the flowers are watered. One day I will name a daughter after her and tell her about this amazing woman that changed her mama’s life forever.

With each year Dorothy was growing older and it was getting harder and harder for her to care for her home. A for sale sign went up and She moved away. I didn’t get to see her every day but Dorothy always had a way of popping up around town. She sent me a graduation card and wished me all of the best in life. On July 10, 2004 my heart it broke again. The little lady that never had to be my Grandma had died. I cried so hard at her funeral, I honestly thought she would live forever. I placed a dozen roses in her casket, she is holding them and a penny in her hand. Her family was so glad that we came to see her off. In her eulogy the pastor mentioned just how much two little girls meant to her and that she would always tell everyone around town about her grand daughters.

Irene could never hold a candle to Dorothy and Cora. Where Irene failed they stepped up and gave me a childhood that dreams are made of. My Dad he ended the cycle of abuse, my sister and I grew up in a loving home. My Dad saw my sister and I as children and not labor. I have 12 aunts and uncles, because of Irene and the distance she forged I don’t know any of them. Only one has an excuse for not knowing me and that’s because cancer took her from us. All I have of Cherie is the blanket that she hand stitched for me and the knowledge that Irene denied her, her last request on earth. Cherie wanted to die on the farm, Instead she died in a cold hospital room. Irene didn’t even have the courtesy to look after her daughter in death.

Irene is nothing more than a tormented soul that had children, in which she abused and then sent them out into the world. My father describes his childhood as “I survived.” She was never a mother to my father so it was only natural for her to never be a grandmother to her son’s children. I can only pray that in death Irene’s mind found the peace she so desperately longed for on earth. Irene was never there for me in life, so I will not be there for her in death. One curly haired girl who looks like her Auntie Cherie Leigh will not be present at the funeral.

In the end the only person Irene cheated was herself, she cheated herself out of getting to know two little girls who grew up into amazing women.

{Life Lessons} Stick Little Baby, Stick

Posted on May 30, 2015 by NinjaInTheCity

Five years ago when I lost my son I had a botched D&C that left my uterus with more scars than healthy tissue. They told me that because of my broken uterus I would never carry another baby. I’ve spent thousands of dollars and traveled the country looking for a specialist who would tell me otherwise. At then end of the day they all had the same answer and I had to learn how to live with it. When I turned 30 I accepted the fact that the only baby I would ever carry was in heaven and that there would be no more. This was the card I was dealt and I have to play that hand until the very end.

Surviving is only half the battle. One has to learn how to live with the unknowns and the would haves. Each night as I lay my head down I ask God to bring me a family, more than anything I want to be a mom. I want nothing more than to have a child. Every day as I walk to work I pass dozens of pregnant women, they look so happy and swollen. I want that glow and swollen body, I want to be pregnant more than anything. I wish and I pray, but at the end of the day they are just unheard wishes and prayers.

Fate she is funny. She and I have a very rocky relationship. Sometimes we get along and other times she is beating me into the ground. Lately she has been nice, I got the promotion I wanted at work, the Nuvaring lawsuit is wrapping up, and I have a man who adores my every quirk. Me more than anyone knows that with the good there comes bad. So I have been looking up at the sky waiting for it to fall, checking the ground for pot holes, and instinctively dodging curve balls that do not exist. Maybe for once fate is going to let me be and finally have a few moments in the sun.

I long for the sun and the sweet calm that arises after the storm. On Mother’s Day fate stepped in. I realized that my period was late. At first i didn’t give it a single thought and went on about my business. But then this feeling sunk in, a feeling of what if. So I gave myself a pep talk and bought a pregnancy test. I knew in my heart of hearts that it was going to be negative. I stared at it for a few moments and decided well they only way you are going to know for sure is if you pee on it, lord knows the test can’t read your mind. I took it, then set it on the sink. I continued washing my hands, I looked over and holy shit there was a bright blue plus sign. It appeared in less than 30 seconds. I immediately picked it up and dropped it on the floor. That couldn’t be right? It had to be wrong. There was no way.

There was simply no way. I sat on the floor and looked at the thing for a good 30 minutes before it sunk in that I was pregnant. Then it dawned on me that I had phone calls to make and close people to tell. I told Jay, he was excited yet terrified. My Mama was elated and I, I was fucking terrified. Terrified because being pregnant is like playing Russian roulette, it could go one way or the other. You just don’t know until that first ultra sound.

My first ultra sound did not give Jay and I answers. It left us in limbo. The gestational sac measures at 6 weeks 6 days which is spot on. However the sac was empty, we did not see a yolk or a fetal pole. The doctor she was optimistic that in a week we will most likely see a healthy little fetal pole beating away. At this moment I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. I want to believe the doctor, I truly do, maybe the baby is just hiding or is stubborn. I fear that this pregnancy is most likely a blighted ovum and that fate is once again playing a fucking joke on me. Maybe it is not a joke, maybe it is a test.

My HCG came back at 8434, the nurse said that was a high number. But it is also the first number they have so the Doctor doesn’t know whether it’s falling or rising. I go in for another blood draw tomorrow, we want the number to double. On Friday we have another ultrasound and I pray with every fiber in my being that we will see at a yolk if not a little fetal pole beating away. I have been down this road before and it scares the shit out of me. With Lucia I had a two-week wait and that wait was worth it, we saw his little heart beat. I just pray that Friday will hold the same out come, because I want nothing more than to meet this little one in January. I want nothing more than to hold this little one in my arms. I want to be a Mama to a baby on earth, not just a Mama to a baby in heaven.

So if you have an extra prayer to spare please send it up for this little one. If you have an extra penny in your pocket and a wish to share please wish for this little one to stay. Because I want nothing more than to see a little healthy heart beating away on Friday’s scan. I survived the unthinkable and this little one is a survivor’s dream come true. This little one proves that the impossible is possible and that miracles still exist in this world.

{Lucia} My Baby You Will Always Be

Posted on May 1, 2015 by NinjaInTheCity

As we are growing up we are never told “not all babies are born alive.” No one ever talks about pregnancy loss. It’s taboo. I say it’s time to bring it to the fore front and to give credit to those who carry the loss of a child.

In May 2010 four bear paws were etched gracefully on the top of my foot. The tattoo artist asked me “why four tiny bear paws?” I said to him “I just lost my silver lining. In October I had a P.E. and stroke. On April fools day I found out I was carrying my son and on May 11th I found out he was gone. His name was Alucouis and we lovingly nick named him little bear. Where ever I go, I can now look down at my foot and know that my son is always with me.” I looked up and saw this burly tattoo artist wiping the tears from his eyes. In that moment my strength touched him and he gave me a permanent reminder of my son.

Alucious “Lucia” Gregory Beaulieu Cohen, Born Sleeping May 12, 2010

Lucia would be five this year. I can’t help to wonder how different my life would be and mostly what he would be like. Would he be like me, wild and care free or would he be a wall flower like his father. Would Lucia have curly hair or straight black hair like his dad. Mostly in quiet moments I wonder what his laugh and little voice would sound like. I got cheated out of five years, I got cheated out of a lifetime with my son. My baby he will always be.

Its crazy how much one can miss a child they never got to hold. My heart will always have a hole and its name is Lucia. One little boy changed my life forever. No matter where I go or what I do in this world I will always have an angle on my shoulder. I want Lucia to be proud to call me his mom and I want him to be the happiest baby in heaven. Lucia is and will always be my son. He is and will always be my parents first grandchild. Lucia is ours forever and one day we will see my sweet baby again.

Until that time comes, I am going to cherish every moment of borrowed time I have on this earth. My heart may be broken, but it still has a whole lot of room for love and I know Lucia would want to be a big brother one day. I want nothing more than to hold Lucia’s siblings in my arms under his tree. He will be the wind that rustles the leaves and they will know his love.

Have Bear Will Travel

She had to break, so I could shine

Category Archives: Family