Category Archives: life lessons

Bucket List

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The other day I was having dinner with friends and over drinks we started talking about our lives. Things we had done, places we’ve seen, and regrets yet to be taken. Jack turned to me and said “what do you have left to cross of your list?” I stared blankly into my wine, looked up and said “I’m not sure?” Me the girl, who has seen the world, lived a life of loss and love, who has so much to realize, did not have a bucket list at the ready. I was taken back by this question, of all the things people ask of me, I did not have an answer. An, I usually have an answer for everything.

So with much thought and soul-searching, I now have an answer of sorts. A list of dreams and challenges that I want to see accomplished. These things are in no particular order, but are numbered for the sake of the list.

1. To personally say “thank you” to every person who has made an impact on my life and made me the woman I am today. For without you this journey would be a lonely destination. My life wouldn’t be worth living without you.

2. To stand on all 7 continents. I have 3 down and 4 to go. I grew up in North America, Called Europe my home for four months in 2004, and marveled at the wonders of Africa’s Egypt.

3. To start a family: I have been a mom to another woman’s child. Sadly in divorce as a step parent you have no legal tie to that child, and you have to walk away. I guess part of me just wants to be a mom, just to prove that I can carry a child to term, that my miscarriage was just a fluke, and that God believes in me enough to bless me with providing life to another human being.

4. To attend Law School: When I was a little girl, I didn’t play school. Instead I played court room, I was the judge, my babies were the lawyers and my bears served as the jury. The quest for justice has been instilled in me from a young age and it is a burning desire that I constantly need to feed. I want to become the most compassionate attorney on the planet.

5. Marriage, yes even me a young divorcee wants to give marriage another go around. There is something about having a partner, a sidekick, someone who understands you like no other person on this planet. I want to be in love again and share my life with a husband.

6. To publish a book. My story is a crazy one. Of a life lived, blood clots, child loss, and divorce. I have over come every obstacle God has sat before me. If my story could encourage others to seek good in the world, then well it would be worth the paper it is written on.

7. To bring the dangers of birth control to the fore front. I learned the hard way what birth control can do. I am lucky I survived and thankful for every day I wake up.

8. To own a Frank Lloyd Wright home. Even if it were just for a minute.

9. To open a bakery. Baking to me equals love. When I bake I use my grandma Dorothy’s recipes and when I bake I feel her love. That love lives through the sinful deserts that are created in my kitchen.

10. To take a cross-country road trip with friends.

11. I want to take my parents to Europe one day. After all they paid for me to study abroad twice.

12. I want to teach one day. Teach the law to other passionate people like myself.

I am skipping number 13, I believe in its unluckiness.

14. I have always wanted a miniature goat as a pet. I think there cute, so Yes I want to have a goat.

15. I have a dream of starting my own charity one day. A charity that will benefit the at risk families of the country. To lift them up and out.

16. Run for public office. I have dreams of being president one day. I remember telling my kindergarten teacher that I wanted to president when I grew up. my 5-year-old self, still holds on to that dream.

17. White water rafting in the grand canyon or any wild crazy river for that matter

18. have a snow ball fight in Antarctica.

19. I have a mad desire to visit the rain forest.

20. I want to bask in the sun on the beaches of Bali.

21. To spread Major Kung Fu around the globe.

22. Mostly I want to leave this world a little better than I found it.

That folks is my bucket list. A list of adventure, dreams, and human desire. This list will guide me during the next chapter of my life and when I feel like I want to give up. It will remind me that I have something to accomplish and live for.

Letter to the other woman……..

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Please understand that you are now a mother. Not only a mother to the child you are carrying, but a mother to Nylan. To my son (well my son from another mother) and I ask that you treat him like he was your own. Please understand that I raised him, I am the only mother he’s ever had. In life the step parent loses out, we are expected to walk away from a child that we raised and wash our hands of them. I am a mother at heart and for as long as I live Nylan will always be on he back of my mind. I will love that child until my last day.

I know that you may get frustrated at times, he may disrespect you, throw fits, and stomp off in anger. But know that he will warm up to you. It will take time for his little heart to heal, you will never fill the void that I’ve left in his heart. But I have faith that he will warm up to you and respect you for what you are. He may question and blame you down the road, it’s up to Scott to tell him the truth. To tell him, that daddy messed up and that’s why Nannie walked away.

Des, I can tell you it hurt like hell when I said good-bye to Nylan one last time. Its december, god does he love christmas. I’ll admit I spoiled the crap out of him, he had two trees, a huge stocking and presents, more presents than legally allowed.

As you adjust to life in my home, know that i designed that house for a family, the kitchen was my dream. You may not think much of the butterfly granite, the gold walls, and pecan hickory floors, but that was my dream, a bakers paradise. I lost a bet that’s why the bed room walls are black, i am sue by now you’ve ripped my face from every frame I left behind and that you stripped the home of my memories. Just know that at one time the house you call a home was built on my love, love for a family that would slowly drift apart. I pray that you have better luck, I’d keep a close eye on Scott, he is know to lurk on the list and has more women’s numbers in his EVO than I have fingers and toes.

Please know that the dogs you now call your own, were once mine. Little Freckles was a birthday present to me, I rescued her. She is sweet energetic and kind. Mystra, she’s old and wise, a true pupy lady, Hazel is your typical middle child. Love those dogs with all of your heart and they will love you back.

Somethings to know about Nylan. Yes, when he didn’t eat his dinner i told him that starving children in africa would kill for his dinner. Yes, i put numerous leggos and other toys left out in the recycle bin. (they never made it to the curb) It taught him to clean up after himself. Nylan loves to help clean, he knows how to put his clothes in the washer and where the soap goes. Nylan likes waffles with syrup for breakfast. they have to be chocolate chip otherwise he won’t eat them. He’ll eat chicken any way you fix it. That boy loves bbq outside, fires in the fire pit, playing in the yard and so much more. Just know these things and you’ll be all right.

Just please love that child like he is your own. As I maybe gone, but Nylan will always be apart of who i am. He was and is my first child.

I’m moving on

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When I came home a big envelope was waiting for me. My eyes drew quickly to the seal, it was from my lawyer. I knew what this envelope held. It held my freedom, it was legal now, I was no longer your wife. I admit I cried a little as I ran my fingers crossed the decree, 2 years of pain was finally over. It meant I was no longer tied to your name, I am my own person now. I walk into my maiden name with grace. I am still the Same AmandaJean, but no longer bear your name. I feel releaved, yet weighted at the same time.

I am remembered of the lyrics from a Rascal Flatts song,

I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they’re always the same
They mean me no harm but it’s time that I face it
They’ll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home
Would end up where I don’t belong
I’m movin on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarantees but I”m not alone
There comes a time in everyones life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

That’s what I think of. I am going to tuck these papers away, just like I’ve put you in the past. You are a place I don’t need to revisit. Sure you revel in the fact that I am still single, unlike you, I have allowed myself to heal, I’ve allowed myself to be. I’m sure you’ve wiped me out of your life, like the dirt from the floor. But still a song, a show, Nylan, or someone you know will bring your thoughts back to me and you’ll realize you let the best thing walk out of your life. I walked away from a no win situation.

I can say I am happy again, that I am the old AmandaJean, the confident, witty, sassy, girl that you fell in love with. Yet, this time around I am not gonna let my heart fall quickly, I will not be swept up in rapture over night. I will take it slow and follow the course. The calla lily butterfly ring is safely tucked away at the bank and some day it will see the light of day. It is still my dream ring, you just weren’t the right man to give it to me. We were two peices that didn’t fit together.

I am now living a life with meaning, its no longer wrapped around a family (thou I miss the family part). A friend told me that I got a free card, a do over, a get out of jail, because now I get what few people do, a fresh start in the middle of life. So that is what i am doing, I am moving on, moving on with out you and so far it feels good. I threw away your pictures, kept very few things that you gave me, made my girlfriends happy and gave the some of the jewlery. I didn’t need it thats for sure. So this is my fresh start of making new friends, going on dates, nights of endless conversation of cocktails, tripping over cracks in the side walk, plotting 2 am snow ball fights, and not missing you one bit.

Another year closes. Another candle added to the cake.

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It’s funny I was so excited for my 27th birthday. I had waited 27 long years to have a golden birthday. I had planned the perfect party and was overwhelmed with what I thought was the perfect life. That’s right the perfect life that came crashing down on October 22, 2009. I almost died 5 day before my birthday. So #27 came in with a crash landing and left with a quiet decent.

#28 came in quietly closing out a year that included a life time of living in one years time. As I blew out my candles I said a silent prayer and thanked god for giving me 28 years worth of stories, pain, laughter, memories, and sorrows. I realize I’ve done more living in 28 years than most people do in a life time. I am grateful and mystified by my life, sometimes it’s hard to believe it’s mine. It may be crazy, its my story and I am the writer guiding the pen across the blank page.

Funny thing is I wasn’t suppose to make it to 28, I shouldn’t be alive, but by the Lords grace I am. This October marked the 25th anniversary of my life saving surgery and the discovery of my kidney disease. My parents did the unthinkable and turned to god as they sent me in to have the experimental surgery, and lucky for me that experiment worked. When I blow out my candles I thank doctor Donald Love and John Delahaunty because if it weren’t for those two men my light would have been dimed at 3. Many of us go our lives with out seeing angles, I can say mine are on this earth and because of their wit and might I am a live. So I am no stranger to deaths door, God had tried to take me off my stage more than once. Twice I survived the unsurvivable, I’ve knocked on deaths door, and I walked away.

I think God knows I’m not done yet I have a lot to do, a world to change, and justice to stand for. This past year has been like a turbulent river each rapid trying to change my course. It threw me to the shore a time or two, deflated my raft, but like a falcon rising from the ashes I conquered it’s current and rose above the shores. To claim my win, to show the world I am still standing and I will not be silenced by fear.

Year 27 was about loss, strength, love, friendship, and starting over. The following defined year #27, with out these moments people and stories it would have been a boring year.

Divorce: was a word often shouted, used as a threat by my now x husband. When ever we’d get into a fight his famous line was “well maybe we should divorce.” we saw our second wedding anniversary however that June I decided to leave the sinking ship and walk away from a loveless marriage. An walk away I did, the x was in shock, he acted like he was dying I’d seen it before. As always he cared more about money than me and well ladies I’ve left his ass penny less and I could give a fuck about it.

Babies: I experienced the miracle of life, the joys of knowing you are carrying a tiny human, and glowed with pride. Only to have my little bear returned to gods arms. I am forever changed by this experience, even thou it was filled with pain, that brief moment in time Scott and I were so in love. A love that was short lived, nursery planning stopped, the traveler bob stored, and the anger grew. I am and always will be a mama to a baby in heaven.

Apartments: it’s sad I know but I got my first apartment ever. I’ve nicked named my joint the projects. It’s a far cry from my 3,000 square foot home in the burbs with the top notch kitchen and HE washer and dryer, but it’s home baby. Some say it looks jut like the ikea catalog, it does I’ll admit that.

Dogs: I said good bye to my little English pointer miss freckles, knowing full well apartment life wasn’t her style. It was hard, yet I knew it was best, she loves kicking it with hazel and mystra. So since my heart was empty I set out looking for a new fuzzy pal. Insert a fluffy bichon frise named Cullen. He is a funny little beast and best of all he likes our little apartment.

Starting Over: a good friend said to me “hey Amjay at least your not 40 with two kids trying to start fresh.” True I’m not 40 and my only kid is in heaven, so I guess I’m all ready a head of the game. But still it was learning how to put one foot in front of the other. I went from being a wife and mother to a singleton. For the first few weeks I was lost, I was still stuck in mommy wife mode, but slowly the battery died and I learned how to be single again. I am building a life for myself, taking time to give back, and enjoy being me.

Friendship: I have made and maintained some amazing friendships this year. If I don’t name you in this just know I love you with all of my big puffy heart. God Mama has been a source of strength, she gave me faith when my tank was running empty, always telling me to duct tape my big girl pants on and that God has a plan. Miss Meghan my bestie, you are bright and amazing, your friendship means the world to me and I’m so glad your getting married. Miss Tara and Jillian both of you have such grace, thank you for your kind words and faith. A certain car lot manager, thank you for listening to my late night pity parties and reassuring me that things will be ok and that I am worth it. The architect thank you for the late night happy hour giggles, you my friend have taught me how to take chances and go with it. Dave, thank you for being there for me during one of the darkest moments of my life. Sheri, even thou our friendship ended I thank you for all that you did for me. A certain attorney thank you for uttering these words ” it all comes down to a judgment call” that was all I needed to hear and I made the call. I wish you well and may both of our lives be less dramatic. Dr cuzzo thank you for mentoring me and teaching me the law, Cherie thank you for making me the woman I am today and for igniting my nasty little travel habit. Scott even thou we weren’t meant to be, thank you for the happy times you gave to me, I will cherish those times, I just hope you get help for your addiction and illness. Connor, god Connor I wish you were here. You my friend were amazing and beautiful, I’ll never understand why you took your own life. Nylan, my sweet boy know that I will always love you, may god treat you kind. You will always be my son from another mother. Miss Joy my sister from another mother, you give me strength and you are so amazing. To every stranger I’ve come in contact with you have made my life better just by touching it for a brief moment. Friendship is the foundation to life, without friends we would be isolated islands in the sea, waiting for someone to discover our beauty. I am grateful to each and every one of you, thank you for blessing me with your presence, love and faith.

Facing Death: I am no stranger at deaths door. I always thought my kidneys would do me in. Having a blood clot came totally out of left field. I am reminded each and every day that life is a precious gift. I realize that your health is worth more than money. I rather be healthy than the richest woman in the world. Each day is a constant battle and so far I am winning.

Faith: even in my darkest days I never lost hope. If I did god mama was right there with faith in hand. I have to have faith and believe this all happened for a reason. God has a special place for the weary travelers. This road is mine, and mine alone to travel, I have faith that god will bring me a map reading partner one day.

I am ready to close the door on year # 27 and have the knowledge to take on year #28 with grace and strength. Thank you all so much for being apart of my life, I have extreme mad love for all of you. I can truly say my life is blessed because of you. A toast to a less dramatic, highly successful love filled, laughter filled year!

One chapter ends……a new one is left to be written.

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The air is cool and crisp in my tiny uptown apartment, I shiver a little as I put my feet on the floor. Rubbing cullen’s fuzzy little head, grabbing my phone I look at the date it’s October 22nd, 2010. I grab the bottle of baby aspirin, pop one and chase it down with water, looking in my fridge I grab an apple and head out to Calhoun with Cullen. Today is the one year anniversary of my Pulmonary Embolism and infarction. A day to be thankful for, so many doctors have told me I shouldn’t be alive, but here I am. I’m not sure why God chose me to save that day, but he did.

As I walked around the lake the memories of that day started rolling across my mind. I remember driving to work the pain was bare able at first, I just ignored it, and kept on driving. Soon the pain went from annoying to extreme, still I didn’t worry, and kept driving. Then my arm felt numb, it felt like someone was choking me, I could barely breath. I made it to Lexington parkway and decided to head back to wood bury. I do not remember that drive to woodwinds some how by the grace of God I made it. Once there I collapsed in the security guards arms, next thing I knew I came to with a nurse telling me he was going to cut my clothes off. I had wires coming from everywhere and heard the beep beep if the monitors. They were sending me to CT, and there it was a blood clot in my lung blocking the main valve to my heart. I was in serious trouble. They went to work, surgery wasn’t an option, as it may push the clot through my heart and into my brain. I was given a high dose of Heprin via iv, clot busters were injected, pain meds were given at my command, and I would be staying for a while. This would mark the first day of the worst year of my life. God he really through me for a loop this year. Yet I am thankful that it happened because with out the pain, I would have never of danced.

One would think having your wife almost die on you would strengthen your marriage. In away it did, yet Scott wouldn’t give up his “life style” for me. He never learned to cherish me and the time we had. He finally decided that we should have a baby, yup he decided it was time, when the clot was gone from my lung, we would start trying. We found out after Christmas that the clot had dissolved and started trying for a little bear if our own.

In April we found out we were expecting, I was over joyed and thought this was my calm after the storm. Yet this was another storm that I would weather with strength and grace, little bear died in May. I had created life, yet god took it away. This took some soul searching on my part. I blamed myself for the longest time, I thought I wasn’t good enough or fit enough to be a mom in gods eyes. Yet one day it dawned on me, there was nothing I could do to prevent it, I can’t change it, and nothing no matter how much I prayed and wished would bring little bear back. I am still a mom, my baby is just in heaven and one day I’ll see him.

Blood clots, child loss what else could god chuck at me. I had a few car accidents and the prius got broken into. I felt like this cloud was hovering over me, that god had a personal vendetta against me. I thought I was on his official “shit list” because bad stuff kept on occurring. On top of this bad luck my marriage was fading, I was in love with a man who would never love me or want me. Some would tell you my marriage was over before we said I do.

I met a new friend and we were talking one night, he was telling me about his failed marriage and that it went on and on because no one wanted to make the call. He looked at me and said “it all comes down to a judgement call” that’s all I needed to hear. A week later I walked out of my marriage and never looked back. It was hard at first but with each passing day it gets easier.

So in the summer I closed the door on my marriage and ended a friendship. I am glad that I ended both, without doing so I wouldn’t be the woman that I am today. I have reveled in my new found independence, traveled, and got a new dog. Constant chest pain reminds me that this life is a gift worth living.

With the fall came change, I walked away from a job I hated and never looked back. It’s funny every time I face a decision I think of what he said ” it all comes down to a judgement call”, who is gonna call it first. I’ve decided to finish what I started and head to law school. Hey some people buy hummers, others take trips to celebrate their new found freedom after divorce, and well I am applying to law school.

So today closes the door on the worst yet most amazing year of my life. I pray that the next year is filled with blessings and a ton of good luck. No bad thing allowed. I am a survivor, a survivor of a pulmonary embolism with infarction, a mama to a baby in heaven, and a young divorce. I am closing this chapter toasting it with a glass of wine and never looking back, as I have a new chapter to write.

Just a stone along the path

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Bless the broken road that lead me to you. You are just a stepping stone along my path, I’ve pocketed the lessons, and tucked away the memories of you. My mom was right she told me not to marry a man that would throw away my dreams and stash me at the bottom of the list. For five years I felt empty, like a failure, because I ditched my own dreams for you, you promised me something better. That something better never came, you just brought me pain and misery.

So now Im left to travel my broken road, you are tucked safely in the past, the mission is clear, the triumph is near. I am going to take my dreams out of the boxes and see them through to the end. Just like a gardner nourishes his tiny seeds until a beautiful flower blooms. I am the gardener of my destiny sewing the seeds of my tomorrows.

The only thing that stands between me and my dreams is a nasty little thing called the LSAT. Strangely I will be taking the test on the day I was suppose to give birth to little bear on December 11th. I think I will take that as a good sign. A sign of hope for a brighter future where all of my dreams are realized.

I learned a valuable lesson: Never give up your dreams for a man, because in the end he will never be worth it.

Reflection

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In ten days it will mark one year since my pulmonary embolism, the journey is almost over. October 22 2009 marked the beginning of the worst yet one of the best years of my life.

It’s funny when we are young we think we are invincible, that we are going to live forever and never worry if this day is our last. Our lives can change within seconds and every second counts because it could be your last.

There are moments where I am angry, moments where I mourn the life I use to lead, and then there are days where I revel in the sun. I try not to think about the fact that this could have been prevented if only the doctor at Alina would have listened to me and did a simple blood test. Yet on the same coin, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if I hadn’t been brought to the brink of death and back. I will be forever in debt to the staff at Woodwinds health campus and Dr Anderson, with out him and his quick thinking I wouldn’t be here today. I am eternally grateful for this second chance at life, grateful to be that one out of six who survived.

Loneliness closes in like the darkness over takes a room

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There are days where I long to hear the laughter of a child and the crazy barking of my three amazing dogs. Days where I wish I would step on a Lego trip over a transformer all while yelling at Nylan to clean his room or eat his dinner. Days where I miss coming home to a smiling child and a somewhat loving husband. But then I remember that is in the past and I need to move on.

I come home each day to a quite uptown apartment where my muppet like dog eagerly greets me. He doest bark, he just runs around in silent excitement that his mama is home. It’s funny my schedule use to revole around a six year old, a home, and my husband. Now it’s just me, me and Cullen. I no longer have to beg a kid to go to the store with me, worry about dinner or if everyone has clean clothes to wear. I guess this is life after motherhood.

I spent five years of my life being a wife to Scott and a mother to my step son. I’ve had to learn how to be alone, to be single, and exsist. I’ve lost friends mostly married ones, gone are my days of play dates and mommy’s night out. Those are long gone. I am grateful for the friends who have stayed and the new ones i’ve made, they’ve taught me it’s ok to feel lonely at times.

Loneliness creeps in like darkness taking over a room. There are moments where I wish I had someone around. Days where I wake up freezing and roll over realizing I only have my fuzzy dog to keep me warm. I miss the snuggles and late night giggles. The inside jokes that only your spouse understands. But then I remember why I left and feel determined to move forward to find my new mr man. Right now I kind of like being a little lonely, it reminds me to keep my heart open for some day love will fill the room instead of the darkness. Because in the end love conquers all!

Leaping without a place to land

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Quiting = Admitting Failure.

I have never quit anything in my life with out a plan to land on. On Friday I walked a way from a no win situation. I hate my job at the firm, collections wasn’t my thing, in felt bad for some of the folks, and questioned the process to much. I still don’t think it’s right to sue an 85 year old person for $1,000.00. just because the client wants us to proceed on more accounts. In this case the beauty of the law is twisted and distorted to suit the needs of the greedy. True, there are folks who run debts up on purpose and bow out when it’s time to pay……those folks deserve to be collected on. It’s just that whole industry made me feel dirty and horrible about kicking folks when they were down.

So on Friday they brought me in to H R and gave me a line of crap. They almost made me cry, it was a warning that I was going to be fired with in the coming weeks. I went back to my cube looked around and said to myself “Bear you hate this job, you hate having to walk on egg shells and well it’s time to hand in your chips and cash out.” my supervisor was surprised when I quit, he really didn’t know what to think and eellike Kirsten was pissed that she didn’t get the glory of shouting your fired. That’s right I beat both of you to the punch.

I cried a little in the elevator mostly because I was revealed that I didn’t have to work at the firm anymore. But a little because I was scared shitless and was now caught with my big girl pants half down. My family was glad that I quit and asked me why I hadn’t quit sooner.

So now I’ve joined the hundreds of unemployed workers. I think I’ll be all right. I have faith that a job is just around the corner and that my faith will see me through.

The dating game

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I’ve dusted of my shoes, put on cute outfits and have stepped back into the dating world. It’s weird going on dates when you are a divorcee. Some men assume you are looking for a quick way into marriage and single dads flock to you. I vowed never again to put a child through divorce. It was hard on Nylan and mostly it’s hard to walk away from a child you may never get to see again. I am not ruling single dads out, I am sure you are all great, it’s just I can’t do it again, the pain was to hard to bare.

I’ve met some great guys over the past couple of months, some are best left as friends and others fall to the wind. I’ve had dates filled with great conversations and others filled with awkward moments of silence. I just keep reminding myself roll the dice and move your thimble on the board. If it doesn’t turn out, you can always go back to start and roll again and again until you find go.

I was pleasantly surprised recently. I committed a girlfriend no no. But since I am not on speaking terms with this girl I thought what the hell i’ll go for it. I had to remind myself to not form an opinion based on what she had told me prior. I did this once before and my assumption was so far off, it wasn’t funny. Anyways I informed said date about this 9 degrees of separation. He said she wasn’t memorable, with that out of the way we met up for drinks that evening. I tell you some days Minneapolis is to small. I was pleasantly surprised, he wasn’t at all like she had described, he was very polite and darn right fantastic. Finally some one who is more deaf than me!

I don’t know where this is going, but I am going to keep moving my thimble across the board and play this game out. If it ends, it ends. At least I enjoyed the journey, picked up my thimble and went back to start.