Category Archives: love

{Charlie} Christmas: Three Ships and Charlie Brown

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For the first time I found myself able to sit down and watch A Charlie Brown Christmas without bawling. Christmas 2012 was hard, I mas deeply missing my partner in crime and I still harbored a lot of anger towards the drunk driver. Blinded I wasn’t able to see how incredibly blessed I was and I let the magic of Christmas slip through my fingers. Ba humbug perfectly described my mood, I wore a smile to hide the pain I was feeling inside.

I didn’t think my heart would heal and that I would be able to forgive. A healthy heart harbors no hate and a healthy heart is a happy heart. I had no room in my life for hatred or anger, I needed to heal on my own and to find my way. I choose to heal by doing something Charlie loved. I spent my summer walking the shores looking for glass to fill his half empty jar and with each piece my heart began to heal. I was able to love again and soon I felt like my old self. My heart will never be fully healed, the glue with hold it together and one day I will place my broken heart in the hands of another man. He will look beyond the scars and inside he will find a beautifully broken soul.

A soul that has a soft spot for beggars on a cold winters night. One who tries her hardest to find the bright side in every situation and one who never gives up. I am an unsinkable ship crashing against the waves. One who does everything in her power to make the lives of those around her better. One who cries at a song, finds joy in the smallest things, and lives a beautifully designed chaotic life.

The other day I was listening to KOOL108 when “Three Ships” came on and I was over come with sadness. Not the oh my I am so devastated sadness, but the good kind. You see “Three Ships” was Charlie’s favorite Christmas song. He would listen to it over and over on his iPod and would often sing along in his very out of tune voice. He would sing “Three Ships while in the shower in the middle of July, in the car in March, and would wake me up singing “Three Ships” in December. At the time I was annoyed and now I would give anything to hear his out of tune voice singing “Three Ships” from the top of his lungs. Until the song came on I had forgotten how much he loved it, it was the reminder that I needed to find the joy in the simplest things and to keep on singing. To keep on singing my song until I find my way home.

Tonight I found myself singing “Three Ships” while doing dishes and then I remembered that “A Charlie Brown Christmas” was on tonight. A huge part of me didn’t want to tread the waters and flipped the channel, the other part wanted to give it a shot. I sat with the Kleenex on my lap, to my surprise I didn’t need them. Instead of tears, I was filled with joy and found myself repeating some of the lines to the muppet like dog. Charlie loved “A Charlie Brown Christmas” and he would watch it as much as he could during the month of December. One can’t blame the man, his mother after all did name him after the little bald-headed character. Charlie knew the lines by heart and would often burst out with “All I want are 10s and 20s. All I want is what I have coming to me!” To Charlie December was about living through the eyes of a child, about finding the wonder in the every day, and spreading as much kindness as he could.

Even though Charlie is gone, it finally feels like Christmas, like Christmas should. I find myself looking for the spectacular in the every day and spreading as much kindness as I can. I am only one soul on this earth and I am doing my best to take care of my tiny part of the globe. I decided to get my shopping done early this year so that I  could focus on my family and friends. I want to spend my holiday moments with the people I love and not in some checkout line. I want to watch Sophia’s eyes light up as the fireworks race across the cold night sky and to sing “Three Ships” to her as she drifts off to dreamland.

I ask all of you to sing your song and to follow your heart until you find your way home. Enjoy the journey and learn from the lessons. Spend time with your family, hug them tight, whisper more I love yous than you can count, because life will be over in the blink of an eye. The greatest Christmas gift does not come in a box with a fancy tag, it comes from the heart, the greatest gift of all is the gift of love.

I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day;
I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas Day in the morning.

Pray, wither sailed those ships all three,
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day;
Pray, wither sailed those ships all three,
On Christmas Day in the morning.

{Brave} Let Thy Sea Glass Heal My Heart

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Let each piece collected heal my heart

Let each piece collected heal my heart

At the close of summer I found myself with a full hand of sea glass. My excitement grew as I held my treasure up to the sun and when I got home I placed it safely into Charlie’s jar. That day would be the day Charlie’s jar would no longer hold anymore glass. It was officially full. I laid the last tiny piece on the top, I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders and I was over come by a warmth I cannot explain. In that moment with that one tiny shred of sea glass I let go of my fiancé. My mission was complete, with teary eyes I whispered “Goodbye my love, I will see you again one day.”

That one tiny piece of glass allowed me to open my heart, it gave me the strength I needed to put myself out there and to look for someone new. My friends helped me compose a profile and soon I received responses. Most were lackluster or endless email chains. I am to old for games so endless emails are not my style. In essence I am wise beyond my years, my heart is sacred and I deserve the cream of the crop. Except the cream didn’t respond to my profile. Online sites were getting old, duds filled up my inbox, and speed dating was fun, but I never came up with a winner. Hope, I was losing it and slowly retreated back into my solitude.

That is until one day a Marine emailed me in actual sentences and paragraphs. I wrote back, my two sentence responses led to paragraphs, the paragraphs led to text messages, and soon he would be sitting across from me at Burger Jones. That first date was only the beginning. To his surprise I asked to see him again and then again. Soon my birthday was upon us and he met my family for the first time.

My parents eagerly awaited his arrival and welcomed him into the fold. We had lunch at The Bronks in Lake City, picked out a pumpkin at Pepin Heights, and like always found ourselves drawn to the water. This was to be the last nice day of the year and I wanted to go for a walk on the beach. I found a few pieces of glass, my Mom she brought me a few more and so did my sister. The Marine quickly noticed that everyone was helping me and he to took up the search while skipping rocks. As my hands grew full I explained that when Charlie was alive we would search the beach for his precious sea glass. Of how I spent my summer looking for glass to fill the half empty jar Charlie left behind.

That night when I arrived home I put my spoils into a new jar, to my surprise it was filled to the brim. I snapped a photo and fired of a text proclaiming a success. The Marine’s response caught me off guard “Next summer we’ll have to fill an even bigger jar!” He doesn’t know it, but with those words read I became a teary eyed mess and in that moment I knew I was finally brave enough to let someone new into my life.

{Whipstaff Ranch & Rescue} Cullen’s Story

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cullenIn June 2010 I walked away from my marriage with a little English Pointer named Freckles by my side. Freckles is a shy energetic rambunctious little soul and she was never meant for apartment life. She needed a yard, a place to run, and a 5-year-old boy to chase her around. I knew what Freckles needed, it wasn’t me, so with a heavy heart I brought her back to my ex husband and Nylan.

For the first time in 6 years I was truly alone. I didn’t have a child to look after or three dogs to take for a walk. My apartment was all to quiet and something was missing. I needed a partner with a wet nose, caring eyes, and a wagging tail. Most rescues turned me away telling me “an apartment is not a place for a dog.” I cried myself to sleep most nights and one day it hit me “Contact Whipstaff tell Carrie was happened and maybe, just maybe she will let me adopt another dog.”

With that thought I fired an email off at 4am asking if I could bring another little dog into my life. I anxiously waited for a reply, hours past and before night fall I had an answer. Carrie said “I have the perfect little dog for you, he is just like Freckles, shy, a little broken with a good heart.” She emailed a photo and I instantly fell in love with his big gray nose. I couldn’t wait to bring him home, home to his forever home.

The next day I set out on a 12 hour round trip journey to pick up my new-found friend. I followed Carrie’s directions, she really means it when she says “A GPS will not guide you to the ranch” trust me it won’t. I got to see the ranch first hand, the moment you pull into the driveway you can feel the love that they have for the animals in their care. They take in the unwanted, the un-trainable, the broken, and the lost. They take the cast offs and love them until they are whole again, only to turn around to place them in forever homes.

With a hug and a tearful thank you I headed back to Minneapolis with Cullen. I’ve had Cullen for over three years now and he will turn 4 on September 30th. A good part of his first year on earth was spent in a puppy mill and he was withdrawn and scared of the world around him. Carrie and her Mama rescued Cullen, feed him, loved him, and showed him how life could be for a dog. Because of their love a dog got rescued and that rescue became my best friend. In truth I needed Cullen more than he needed me. I was broken and hurt, when I looked into my dogs eyes the loneliness slipped away and I knew I was going to be ok.

Cullen has been by my side through thick and thin. He faithfully laid next to me on the couch during my bed rest, licked away my tears and has provided me with absurd amounts of laughter. Cullen loved Charlie as much as I did and together we mourned the death of our best friend. He watched over baby Sophia and now he sits by her side as she gives him hundreds of hugs. Cullen is no longer an introvert, he along with me has come out of his shell. He found his bark and his eyes light up like fire each morning.

I can never repay the ladies of Whipstaff for the gift they’ve given me. There are not enough words in the English language to describe how greatful I am that they saw it in their hearts to take in a matted under feed dog that became my best friend. In a recent Facebook post Carrie stated that they were in need of help with the food bill, an that several animal were in need of neutering and spaying. I wanted to help and it hit me “I can share their story on my blog and tell the world about the incredible work they do.” So that is what I did.

I hope that everyone who reads this will find it in their hearts to donate $5.00 to Whipstaff Ranch and Rescue. $5 may not seem like much, however a little adds up and can go along way. To find out more about this awesome nonprofit rescue and to make a donation please visit: http://whipstaff-ranch.com/rescue.html

{Charlie} A Half Empty Jar of Sea Glass

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Charlie left behind a quarter filled jar of sea glass

Charlie left behind a quarter filled jar of sea glass

One night while strolling through one of our favorite boutique shops in Minneapolis, Charlie spotted a glass jar. I politely told him that the jar was meant for a candle and not sea glass. Charlie looked at me with his grin and said “AJ, it says beach on it, a jar that says beach on it, is meant to be filled with sea glass. Duh?” Ok I said and we walked up to the counter to purchase his crazy jar. That was in September of 2011, the jar sat on the island in the kitchen for months.

Upon his return from the beach Charlie religiously deposited a piece of new sea glass into his jar. He would tell me that dark blue was the hardest to find and the most common was clear or green. Charlie has been mesmerized by sea glass since he was a child, often filling multiple jars by summers end. His mother kept all of his jars, each piece represented the mystery of the ocean and his joy of searching the beach. Charlie loved the water and we often spent our weekends on the shores of Lake Superior. I can still picture him on his knees scouring the beach for tiny pieces of treasure. With each piece he found, he safely tucked the glass into his pocket and when his pockets were full, he often turned to me. I would hold his treasure tightly in my hand only to drop it into the jar his mother kept on the back porch.

Charlie would save a few pieces for the jar on the island and often filled it with pieces of glass he found on the beaches around Minneapolis. He bought the jar in September which limited his time to search. Winter came and his jar was only a quarter full, he’d say “I am going to fill our jar this summer.” Summer never came for Charlie, he left before the waves could even break free from the ice and his jar sat half empty waiting for his return. I packed his jar away, my heart was too broken to have the constant reminder sitting out in my home.

I have always loved the beach and would search the sandy grave for hidden treasures. As a child I would collect clam shells, sparkly rocks, and pieces of glass. My father’s pockets proved to be the safest spot for my treasures, he would empty my bounty when we reached the car. I stored my shells, rocks, and glass in a bucket. Over time it got lost, yet my desire to walk the shores remained.

Earlier this summer I decided to finish filling Charlie’s jar. When I visit my parents we go to the beach, my Dad helps me search the shores for Charlie’s treasure. Each time I place a handful of glass and shells into his beloved jar, a part of me heals. I am at a point in the process where I am ok with Charlie being gone and have become open to letting someone else in. As we walk the beach my Dad tells me “No one will ever replace Charlie or fill the void you have, but you have to move on. There is someone out there for you.” My Dad is right, I will never be able to replace Charlie, he will always be a part of who I am. Charlie taught me that its ok to let go and to live life outside of the lines.

Just like Charlie, the sea glass that captured his sense of wonder will always be apart of who I am. For I am just a girl who collects sea glass to fill the empty jar that the man she loved left behind. Filling the jar is my way of saying goodbye. With each piece added I am letting go of the past and healing my beautifully broken heart.

{Divorced Life} Standing on the Other Side

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As I charted my future on vision boards, I never once added DIVORCE to the grand plan. Then again I never thought I’d fall in love and get married. At 22 I was focused on finding my way to law school and plotting to change the world. All it took was his brown eyes looking back at mine, law school and my plot blew away with the wind. He told me once “when one dream ends, you make a new one.” That was probably the only wise thing he ever told me. Our marriage was my dream, little by little that dream started to fade and I needed to flee the darkness.

Scott and I had brief moments in the sun. There were cruises, movie nights, laughter, and waterslides. Together it was Bear and Mr. against the world. We were suppose to be a team, yet we were foes. He strayed while I stayed home to raise his son. I went to sleep alone each night as he remained devoted to Magic, WOW, and his flavor of the week. I spent more nights alone than I did with him, yet some how I mustered an “I Love you” when he walked through the door. To the world we were the perfect couple who had it all, behind closed doors we were a disaster.

They say a lady always knows when to leave. I stood on the edge of the unknown for months, friends and family tried to give me a push, only to find me griping at straws. It took the advice of an attorney to get me to take that first step. His words still ring through my mind “Amanda, there are no winners or losers in divorce. It all comes down to a judgment call. Its just someone has to call it first.” I needed someone to tell me it was ok to walk away and to give up the war, he said what I needed to hear. With those words spoken and with he notion that it was ok, I walked away from my suburban married life. I walked away from a man who no longer loved me and I walked into the unknown.

The unknown has turned into a beautiful disaster. Over the past three years I have fallen more times than I can count, yet each day brings me back to the side of that mountain. I have had my share of heart ache and more moments of utter delight than one could ever count. Mostly I figured out who AmandaJean was without a man by her side. I learned that I didn’t need a boyfriend/fiancé/ or husband to define who I was. Finding myself was a journey and one that I had to go through to discover my version of happy. I am just a small town girl who set out to change the world.

On the day I left Scott told me “You will never make it on your own.” Those words haunt me to this day and every time I crash his voice seeps into my mind. I’ve come to realize that Scott was the one who couldn’t make it on his own, he practically had a girl moved in two weeks after I left. He doesn’t know how to be alone and he needs a woman at his side to define who he is. I on the other hand love sleeping smack dab in the middle of the bed and sometimes I am a dare devil and leave a cup in the sink over night. I had to be alone for a while to show myself that I could stand on my own, before I stood on the arm of a man. In the past three years men have come and gone. Just like Charlie, Scott will always be apart of my story. One cannot revel in the sun without dancing in the rain.

Fate is a funny little thing we can’t live without. Only she knows what the future holds for us. I’ve decided to late fate ride and to focus on my career and starting a family of my own. That’s right, you read that correctly. I have decided to become a single mom and have started looking into the adoption process. The past three years have taught me that I do not need a man to have a child, all I need is an open mind and love in my heart. At this point I don’t care about gender, I just want to adopt a healthy child. I can tell you that I have never been more scared in my life, yet I know that its meant to be. If I can wrangle attorneys from 9 to midnight, then I can sure as hell adopt a child on my own.

In truth, I have come farther on my own than I ever thought possible. It turns out that Scott’s words were more for him than me. Because from what I can tell I am standing on my own two feet. My bills are paid, I have a job that I love, I am happy, and I am perfectly fine with sleeping single in a queen sized bed. I am ok with being me and I am happy in my own skin. It took me three years to find my groove and I have no doubt that I will continue to conquer the world.

{Charlie} Death Is The Only Guarantee In Life

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Sunrise on calhounThis morning while sipping my coffee I glanced at my iPhone and saw that today was June 8th. It took a few moments before I realized that I had let Charlie’s birthday pass me by without a tear. On Sunday June 2nd, Charlie would have been 42. I still find myself looking up and asking “Why?” Why, did you have to leave the stage in the middle of your song.” Did God know something that we didn’t, did he need an angel with one wing in the fire. My Mother tells me that our fate is determined before we are even born. Some of us grow old and weary, others die before their time. Then there are those who knock on deaths door and walk away to live another day. Fate is written in the stars, only God knows what’s ahead and we must keep on fighting the good fight until our names are called.

Death, is the only guarantee in life, everything else is up in the air. It’s simple really we start dying the moment we are born. We spend our lives climbing the mountain and searching the every day for salvation. Church teaches us that there is a here after and that if we live a Christian life we can walk through the gates of heaven. I believe that a life without sin is a life wasted. Those who never sin, are like dreamers without dreams. Heaven knows that I’m not perfect, like Charlie I too have raised a little cain and I plan on raising a whole lot more before they lay my body down. When someone has lived a good life Indian people will say “He lived a good fight.” Each day is a struggle and each of us must find the strength to see it through.

No one said life would be easy nor will it ever be perfect. The moment you think fate has smiled on you God will pitch a curve ball and throw a wrench into your plans. I have seen more balls and wrenches than I care to count. I have fallen in love only to fall out, I carried a child that God called home before he set foot on this earth, and I fell in love with a man that died before I could even say I do. For some reason I was allowed to walk away from deaths door only to find myself taking a seat at a friends funeral. Honestly I have been to more funerals than I have weddings and baptisms. It seems that I keep on fighting the war while my friends lose the battle. This leaves me mystified. One day I am certain it will all make sense.

Sixteen months ago I felt like my life had ended, my heart was broken, and I was tired. I was tired of saying goodbye and watching my dreams crash upon the shores. Everyone else’s boat was reaching the safety of the harbor, while my dingy kept crashing into the sandbar. I wanted the safety of the harbor. I wanted to feel the comfort of the navigational beacons as I sailed through the channel. Safe harbor is what I wanted, but the sandbar is what I needed. The sandbar taught me to breath and to let go. I faced the horizon and swam towards the shore. My memories are what carried me, I said goodbye to the land of what if and hello to the land of the living.

There are moments where I look back and wonder if Charlie knew that he was going to die before his time. He lived his life outside of the lines and loved with all of his heart. He would tell me “AJ, God is the only thing standing between us and the sandman, only he knows if we will rise in the morning light.” I thank God for each day I wake to face the sun. With each new day comes promise, a chance to write a new page, and to raise a little cain. Life is best lived outside of the lines. I rather party with the riffraff than waltz with the straight and narrow. I rather hold the hand of a sinner than the hand of a man who never dared to live. I am in no hurry and the cold ground will have to wait another day to claim this sinners heart. For I’ve greeted the sun and I’ve got a little more cain to raise.

{Divorced Life} Happy Un-Wedding Anniversary

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weddingdogsThis Friday would have been my fifth wedding anniversary. I said I do on May 31st, 2008 and I had one incredible wedding. Looking back that is still one of the best days of my life. I can honestly say I had my dream wedding and loved every moment of it. I have no regrets, in that moment I was incredibly in love with Scott and proud to be his wife. I honestly never thought I would get married and there I was in my Waters by Waters gown walking down the isle on my Daddy’s arm to the tune of “Bless the Broken Road” by Rascal Flatts. I was in tears before I even hit the altar. Scott and I were surrounded by our family and friends. Still to this day people tell me that our ceremony was the most emotional wedding they have ever been too. On that day I just wasn’t marrying Scott, I was accepting Nylan as my son. Scott and Nylan were a package deal or as I would say, when I met Scott, I got a two for one special.

It was important for me to make this day special for Nylan, as this was the day that Nannie marring his Dad. The minister said a special passage about family. Terri talked about how some women come into this world knowing that they will have the capacity to love another woman’s child as her own. We made a vow to honor and cherish Nylan for the rest of our lives. Instead of a unity candle we had a sand ceremony. Three vessels of sand represented our individual lives and once poured into a single vessel the grains can never be separated again. We were a beautifully blended family.

The first few months of our marriage were fine. Scott had his vices and I was just the woman who took care of his child. The threads slowly started to unravel. Scott would tell me he loved me, yet his actions spoke louder and told me otherwise. Soon he grew distant and I was seen as a chore. I was someone he lived with and not the person he couldn’t live without. We fought hard and it always resulted in me apologizing to Scott for the mistakes I made. In his eyes, I was always the problem, I was the reason our marriage was failing. Yet I loved that man with all of my heart, I gave him everything I had and then some. I put up with his vices and things that a woman should never have to face. I did things I never thought I would do in an attempt to make him happy. It was never enough and I was never good enough.

I was always there when Scott needed me and would drop everything to be at his side. On October 22, 2009 I needed my husband. I needed him to tell me it was going to be all right when my world was spinning out of control. He slept through the numerous calls from the hospital and when he did respond he was more concerned about missing work than rushing to his wife’s side. The ER staff told him it wasn’t good and he should get there ASAP. I will never forget the look on Scott’s face when he walked into the ER bay. He turned white, tears filled his eyes, and in that moment I knew he loved me. He felt terrible for ignoring the calls and as the doctor explained the trouble I was in tears fell down his face. He squeezed my hand and said “you can’t leave me now, its Bear and Mr. forever.”

For a while Scott gave up his vices and actually acted like a husband. Scott came home at a decent hour and for the first time in a long time spent time with me. Scott was still the same, yet I had changed. I was not the same and I was angry about it. He listened to my frustrations, quietly picked up the multiple coffee cups, and stood by me as I tried to cling to my old self. Sadly this wouldn’t last, as I got stronger Scott returned to his old ways and soon I was sitting at the bottom. I was no longer important to him and everyone else came before me. By February he quickly forgot that his wife almost died four months prior. He reverted to a world filled with WOW, whores, and Magic the Gathering. I never fit into the WOW Magic Whore equation, I was simply the woman he called “wife” and nothing more.

The final thread let go on the day I found out that the baby I was carrying no longer had a heartbeat. I knew my marriage was over the moment he refused to get on a plane and come home. In that moment Las Vegas mattered more to him than standing by his wife’s side. It was easier to hang with the guys, than to come home to the woman who was carrying his dead child. Scott, even admits that he regrets his decision to stay in Vegas and not being there as I went into surgery. He said “I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what to say so I stayed in Vegas, it was my way of avoiding it. I was selfish.” That he was.

Scott and I saw our two-year anniversary, it was a bit awkward. Again Scott was still the same and I was not. Not only was I a pulmonary embolism and stroke survivor, I was now the mama to a baby in Heaven. In away I felt like I was paying for the shitty things Scott did. Like Karma was kicking my ass instead of his. A wise yet slightly unstable attorney gave me some advice that ended up changing my life. He said “It all comes down to a judgment call, there are no winners, there are no losers in divorce, it’s just someone has to make the call and call it quits fist.” Those words seeped into my head and I was ready. On June 27th, 2010 I made the call, I threw in the towel, and walked away from a broken marriage. In my heart I knew there wasn’t enough crazy glue in the world to put us back together.

If I had never said I do, I would have missed out on the storm that was our marriage. I do not regret anything. Honesty I cannot count the father of my children as a regret. Together Scott and I traveled the world, watched Nylan grow up, and became parents to a baby in heaven. We had our moments in the sun, but found ourselves standing in the rain. In the end Scott and I were two souls destined to collide in a beautifully broken disaster.

{Mother’s Day} A Yearly Reminder That My Son Is In Heaven

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angel-in-heaven-1Through work and every day life people ask me if I have children. To save myself from sharing my story I quietly say no and change the conversation. Deep down I know that I have a child, he was born silent and didn’t get the chance to set foot into this world. On May 11th, 2010 an ultra sound revealed that my son no longer had a heart beat. He was no longer alive and there was nothing they could do to bring him back. Genetically he was perfect, he had all of his chromosomes, it’s just his little heart stopped. That day his Mama’s heart broke and she had to learn how to live on this earth without her son.

In the days following family and friends gathered around me and tried their best to make sense out of the situation. Aloucious’ God Mother Lisa told me “You will always be a Mother. God saw that you were special so he made you a Mama to a baby in heaven, you are a Mom, and no one can ever tak that away from you.” Those words brought me comfort and got me through the darkest days I know that I will see my son one day.

There are days where I let my mind wander to the land of “what if” and I wonder what he would be like today. Would he be a wild child like his Mama or be a nerd like his Dad. Would he dare to jump without fear or sit quietly on the sidelines and watch the world go by. I wonder what Aloucious would look like, would he have blue eyes and curly hair or would he look more like Scott.

People often ask where the name Aloucious Gregory came from. Scott picked his first name, the name Aloucious comes from the book Colors of Chaos. Aloucious was the main character Nylan’s sidekick and they build a civilization out of ruin. On the pages they conquered evil and fought for a better world. Scott’s first son is named Nylan, so in his mind it was only fitting to name his second son Aloucious. Gregory is my Father’s name, I chose it because I wanted my son to have the strength of my Father. I wanted him to know that the blood of warriors ran through his veins and that he was destined for greatness. We referred to our son as little bear and his nickname was to be Lucia. I had no doubt that my child was going to change the world, I was the proudest and happiest pregnant woman on the planet.

Little did I know that Aloucious would change my world in more ways than one. Aloucious gave me the strength I needed to take back my own dreams and the strength I needed to walk out of a loveless marriage. He is the reason I fight so hard for those around me and to bring a little justice to those covered in darkness. I would like to believe that Aloucious is looking down on this earth and saying to his friends “Hey look right there, that woman with the passionate heart, that’s my Mom!”

I want Aloucious to know that he was wanted and he was sent off to heaven with more love than one soul could ever hold. Aloucious will never be forgotten. I have a tattoo on the top of my right foot. It is four tiny bear prints, it is a reminder that my son is in heaven and that no matter where I go he will always be with me. My son is most likely the only child I will ever carry and that is all right by me. When the time is right I am certain God will send another child my way, until that comes I am going to live life with passion and be the most incredible Aunt Sophia could ever have. One day when she is older I will sit under the birch tree and tell her about her cousin in heaven.

If you are like me and you no longer have your child in this world, then my heart goes out to you. For we are and we will aways be Mothers to children in heaven. Our hearts are heavy, yet we love fiercely and handle this card with grace, for we know that one day we will see our children again.

Life Is A Beautiful Disaster, Not A Perfect Plan

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I find comfort in a delicately plotted plan. In college I made vision boards that plotted my success from point A to Z. I had a grand plan of attending law school and becoming a kick ass attorney. Plans of traveling the world, building a Frank Lloyd Wright inspired home, and when I felt I was successful I would adopt a child. A child that I would raise alone. I never planned on falling in love or getting married. It was going to be me against the world and if love happened, it happened. I wasn’t going to count my eggs before they hatched, instead I plotted them neatly in my head. I was focused, I had vision, and nothing could veer me from my future.

Nothing that is until a dark-haired brown-eyed boy walked across the parking lot of my dorm and swept me off my feet. In him I found comfort like I had never felt before. I would do anything for him and his son. We date long distance, he didn’t come to my graduation nor did he seem to care that I got my degree. I talked about going away for law school. He told me “I won’t wait for you to finish.” With those words spoken, I put hat dream a side and moved in, by Thanks Giving we were engaged. He told me “when one dream ends, another begins.” Over the next 3 years that became my motto. I set out on creating a new plan, a plan that never quieted my desire for more. I loved Nylan with all of my heart, being a mom was one of my greatest joys, I gave everything I had to my husband, and kept our home polished. Yet, something was missing, it never felt right, and I wanted something more. Durring my marriage I never put myself first. My dreams and desires were not worth keeping, they sank slowly to the bottom as my husband whispered “this is your dream now.”

At 26 I became a survivor and little by little I started putting myself first. I was determined and created a new plan. A plan that would never ring true. I found out I was pregnant in the spring of 2010, I was filled with joy and began to plan for this new life. I spent hours debating paint colors and nursery themes. I read pregnancy books and looked into pregnancy yoga. I was happy. Happy because 6 months earlier I was on the brink of death and here I was six months later carrying a baby. This was my calm after the storm. It was decided that I would have a c-section and that I would take blood thinners during the pregnancy. I didn’t have a say in this and I wasn’t looking forward to twice daily injections for 9 months. However I knew that in the end the reward would be worth it. All of my planning went out the window the day I found out my son no longer had a heart beat. I was devastated and overwhelmed. This was never part of the plan. At that point in my life I knew something had to change. I had to find my way and figure out who I was. I only knew AmandaJean the college student and AmanadaJean the wife. I no longer knew who I was or what I wanted. The death of my son was the turning point in my beautifully broken plan.

Divorce, I never planned on it, yet it became a part of my history. I realize now that my PE and the death of my son were to prepare me for the hardest journey I’d ever take, the journey to find myself. The day I left my ex husband was the day I decided to live an uncharted life. I was terrified of failing, mostly I was terrified that I wouldn’t find myself. Terrified of falling down and that when I did no one would be there to help me up. I trip a lot and lord knows I’ve had my share of face plants. Since my divorce I have fallen more times that I can count. The City of Minneapolis is littered with potholes.

In January I unexpectedly found myself unemployed and without a plan. I was terrified I had never been unemployed in my life and I felt like a failure. I started to question my skills. Tears were heard in my voice and friends, they rushed to my side. Attorneys I had worked for in the past reminded me of how my work helped them and why I love my line of work. Lucky for me I was not unemployed for long. Within a week I was hired on as a temporary editor at a publishing company in the cities. That job ended in early April and I am not worried.

A few years ago I would have been a tearful puddle on my couch and desperately grabbing at tiny shreds of a plan. That was then and this is now, now I find joy in living an uncharted life. I can take this time to find the job I really want and take some time to just be me. Nothing in this life is set in stone. Each day we are above ground is a mystery and filled with wonderous exceptions. I’ve learned that a life lived on a vision board, is not a life lived at all. I have come to believe that fate loves to mess with a perfect plan. Maybe its fates way of giving us a slap in the face and saying “hey, while your planning you are missing out on the good stuff. You my dear are missing out on your own life. So stop the planning, throw the vision board out and just go with the flow and expect a few pot holes along the way.” That is exactly what I am doing. I am finding comfort in the beauty and meaning in the potholes.

{Ninja In The City} Living Large in 465 Sq Ft

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What can I say I have mad love for the city of Minneapolis. In the winter our friendship is tested by snow emergencies, however when spring comes our words are forgotten, and I fall madly in love all over again. I live in uptown, an up and coming hip neighborhood on the southwest side of Minneapolis. In this area of town commercial blends seamlessly with residential and one can often find a cute trendy shop to pop into. In my area condo/apartment buildings blend in with single family homes. I am just a short walk from the lake and an even shorter walk from a big cemetery.

A cemetery may creep you out, however I find it peaceful and I can honestly spend hours strolling through the stones. It’s a way to learn about the cities past and how people memorialize their loved ones. One can find simple stones mixed in with the ornate mausoleums along side famous and not so famous citizens of years past. When I am not poking around in the cemetery you can find me and the muppet like dog walking around Calhoun.

The lakes are truly a treasure and one can spend an entire day dodging the suburbanite. Summer brings the suburbanite into the city. They like to feel as if they are hip and trendy. They are far from hip, they stick out like a sore thumb, and the hipsters give them the square eye. Calhoun is lined with many swim beaches and it is a sailing lake. Its fun to go down on a week day afternoon and nestle in with a good book on the beach. During the week the beaches are not as crowded and you can take in the suns rays while watching a sail boat lazily drift by.

Now I love my neighborhood I have two really cute cafes right around the corner from my apartment, a coffee shop and a pizza joint are also just a short walk away. Everyone is friendly, parking is not a problem,and the crime is practically non-existent. Best of all its quiet, you simply forget you live in Minneapolis because our little part of uptown is tucked away from the hustle and bustle of Calhoun Square.

Necklaces In uptown the apartments are small and you will usually get a trendy pink tiled bathroom, a remanent of the 1960’s. At frist I hated my pink bathroom, it has grown on me. I have decorated my bathroom with a few pieces from my costume jewelry collection. It gives you something to look at while you are taking care of business and adds needed pops of color.

Pops of color anchor my living room design. I spend most of my free time in my living room so I wanted into to be comfortable and cozy. My couch is from IKEA it is the Karlstad Sofa in Dark and so if my coffee table. Truth be told my apartment is littered with IKEA furniture. What can I say it fits my budget and style.Living Room 1 I puffy heart the Swedish and their gift of IKEA to America. The pillows on my couch and the throw are from Target. Living room 2Target is my happy place and where I do my hard thinking while strolling down the isles. The gum ball machine is a vintage piece from my Father. I love mixing vintage with modern or reproduction pieces. During my travels around the globe I have amassed a large collection of nick nacks and use them as decoration through out my apartment. I love having my nick nacks on display, each one has a story and they are reminders of my journey. I also have a lot of Native American pieces, they remind me to be humble and of my heritage. I come from a long line of warriors who fought for a better day.

I rest my head next to the muppet each night. I wanted my bedroom to be simple yet quaint. Again I have pops of color to brighten my morning. Each day I wake up to Pairs. Bed Room 2How can you not wake up smiling when the first thing you see is a photo of Paris. When it came to linens I had to keep my trusty muppet in mind. I didn’t want any thing fussy or with a tag that read “dry clean only.” If you have a dog then you know how dirty they can and will be. Cullen thinks its fun to roll on the bed when he is muddy and wet. My coverlet is from IKEA and the sheets are from Target. Both can be machine washed and they are pretty darn cozy. My dresser is lined with turtles and photos of family and friends. I have a few paintings on my walls as well. Bed Room 3 To me my room is well-organized (I love organized spaces) and cozy. I don’t know about you but instead of a monster under my bed I have a muppet. Cullen when he gets to warm or tired of my tossing and turning leaps off and curls up under the bed. The muppet is a funny one. One of his favorite words is “Nap.” He goes nuts when I ask him if he wants to take a nap. He jumps right in bed and snuggles up next to me licking my cheek as I fall a sleep.

Enough about sleeping. After all everyone knows the real magic happens in the kitchen. An well my kitchen is literally from the pages of the IKEA catalog. kitchen 2 My kitchen is small, however I am not complaining and I make it work. Many tasty things have come out of my kitchen and many more have yet to be made. The muppet is always nestled at my feet as I cook. He loves it when we make bacon an waffles for breakfast. kitchen 1I always make a little extra for sharing.

I am a Minneapolis girl who is desperately awaiting the return of spring. The gray winter days have gone on far to long and it is time to tuck away the parka and snow boats. It’s a dream I know, but I have faith that spring thou late will return to this lovely city. I want to fall in love all over again with her many lakes, patios, and farmers markets. One must be tough to be a Minneapolisnite, well all you really have to do is learn the rules of “hide and go park,” having your car towed is no fun. It hasn’t happened to me yet, however I have stood in line and waited with friends. In the end it doesn’t matter where you live. What matters is that you a living large and treating each day as a gift.