Category Archives: love

{Ojibway} The Seventh Generation

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I am a lover of cardigans and wear specs in a contact lens kind of world. On the outside I look white. However I am anything but. I am the daughter of an Irish Ojibway Indian and a German. Greatful to be raised in the traditions of the past and strong enough to make a difference. A difference in the lives of reservation kids. Working hard to abolish mascots and raising awareness of Native American culture and history. This is my path and it is one I walk proudly on.

Walking this road can be hard some days. It is not easy, the stigmas of the past still present in the modern world. Living with the knowledge that my Grandfather was taken from his mother. Why, because someone believed “Kill the Indian, save the child.” He was robbed of his language, his hair cut, and his buck skins traded in for rough cotton clothes. He was told “you are no longer Red Squirrel. You are now Clifford Raymond.” My Grandfather was forced to believe in a bible that he didn’t understand. His way of life was no longer.

My grandfather was lost in the western way of life. He like most Indian’s turned to the bottle. Inside he found comfort and the pain it started to fade with each sip. He managed to marry an Irish woman, fathered 13 children, and tried to run a farm. Farming wasn’t his thing he had more kids than he could care for. Yet, he did the best he could. Thats what any lost Indian does. When they aren’t knee-deep in the bottle they do the best they can to survive.

Indian people are resilient. They can make nothing into something and still believe in a better day. I am part of the seventh generation. Our ancestors predicted that the seventh generation would unite the people and bring change to the land. We are doing that. Change is rising each day. Each day a child on the reservation chooses education over a life of addiction. With each diploma, with each child who comes back and makes a difference. Who leads their reservation into the modern world. I am a part of that change motivating our youth to seek college and to change the world around them. Teaching ACT prep to the students via Skype and in person. Often meeting in the school or casino banquet halls. These kids are our future and words cannot describe how bright it is. Offering kind words and parenting skills to parents during visitation monitoring sessions. Lending an ear to a battered woman and whispering it will be all right into a child’s ear.

They may be broken, worn out, and down on their luck. However these are my people and I will be damned if I turn my back on them. I am who I am because of my ancestors who died in the name of justice. My great uncles started the first Indian run news paper in the 1920’s called the Tomahawk. To this day it is the oldest Native American run paper in the country. My other great-uncle was the first Indian to be appointed to the bench. Serving as a federal judge. He is my inspiration and the reason why I love the law. My great great Grandmother is chief Skywoman the only female war chief of the Ojibway nation. Her blood runs through me and her legacy is the reason I am here. She believed in a better day where her people would be free.

That better day has come and the time is now. I am living proof that times change. I am proud to be a biracial woman and proud of my Ojibway heritage. The Ojibway people ground me, their stories entertain me, and mostly they remind me to fight for what I believe in. To never give up and to walk the red road. A road lined with tears and broken whiskey bottles, one that only Indians can tread upon. That is the road I chose. My Grandfather suffered and endured so that I could achieve the American dream. I owe it to my Grandfather to stand tall and help those around me reach that dream.

Table For One

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Tonight while having dinner alone at The News Room I over heard a woman say to her husband “Oh that poor thing her date must have stood her up.” It took everything I had in me not to go over and whisper in her ear “I am eating alone on purpose.” I decided to play nice and went about my typing and current google chat. This is my normal dinner alone or actually doing most things on my own. My muppet like dog can’t go everywhere with me, thus I dine alone.

As I gazed across the restaurant I quickly noticed that I was the only one sitting alone. Tucked back into my usual corner. The staff they know me and my drink of choice by name. They call this corner AJ’s usual spot and act alarmed when it’s not available. Maybe one day I will share my little tucked away corner with someone. Today, I am fine with just myself and netbook. From here I watch first dates unravel, fights happen, and look at couples whose flame long ago extinguished. In truth I feel for each one of them. I know what its like to have the first date gitters, feeling the calm in a familiar smile, and looking into someone’s eyes and thinking “where did I go wrong?”

Those are all feelings in a relationship. In most the gitters melt into a familiar calm and from that calm a relationship blossoms. Blossoms are something I am short of these days. It seems that Google has done me in and turned most of the potential away. I often forget that when I am googled my twitter, Facebook, and this very blog appears. Have Bear Will Travel has become a weeder of sorts. Weeding out the ones who are too afraid to dance and keeping the hope alive in the ones who dare to look beyond the blog.

For the ones who dare to look beyond the blog realize that I am online as I am in real life. I hide nothing and am to honest for my own good. This is probably why I end up being friends with the men I date. In me they find comfort knowing ‘hey she’s been through a lot of shit and came out standing.” I am reminded that I cannot revel in the sun unless I walk through the crap. They go hand in hand.

Hand in hand is where I’d like to find myself one day. One can’t be a ninja without a trusty sidekick. Gumby had Pokie, Batman with Robin, and well the Ninja Turtles had each other. I’m not asking for a 10, a 9 or 8 will do just fine. Life isn’t about looks or what you have. It’s about living with passion and letting your heart burst wide open. It’s ok to feel nervous and to be hurt. These feelings of hurt and nerves remind us that we are human. They allow us to live without question and to feel for others. When you can relate to someone and understand their pain, then you my friend have truly lived.

These are the things I contemplate when I dine alone. Of what would I do when Mr Perfect is sitting across from me. Would he put up with my busy paralegal day job and crazy lobbyist night job. Would he have the same passion towards sustainable agriculture, the law, NINJAS, and the charities I advocate for. Would he lay with me on the floor of Trinity temple and bask in Frank Lloyd Wrights wonderous creation? Would he skip through the streets of Paris and marvel at the relics of egypt with me? Questions, I wonders, and what ifs swirl in my head as I take a sip of my wine. The only way I know of solving my quandaries is by chucking myself out there and looking for my 9 or 8, because well a 10 simply won’t do. 10’s are too full of themselves. I am not for the 10s, so bring on the 9s and 8s.

Mainly I just need a 9 or an 8 who understands that even thou I have gone through some tough shit it does not define my future. True I am a pulmonary embolism survivor and a young divorcee. For some reason DIVORCE is a turn off to men. I always say if you really knew about my marriage, you’d understand why I walked away. Just because I am a divorcee does not mean I am undatable. Hell I forget I have an ex husband half the time and even I find it weird uttering the worlds “Yea I am divorced.” Divorce happens we move on from it and get even on Tuesdays.

I am normal. Bags yea I’ve got a few and yup I am a ninja to my core. So maybe the next time you see a young woman sitting alone don’t assume she was stood up. Assume that she is dining alone by choice and writing an article that will change the world. Maybe one day she will have someone who understands her entire being sitting across from her and she will smile. For now she smiles as her friends and giggles out loud at her google chat dreaming of the what ifs. I like options and what ifs, they give me hope.

{Reflection} From a Bed That Isn’t Mine

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I am nestled into a bed that isn’t mine tonight and my dress, well I hope it shows up. If you had told me a year ago I’d be in Biloxi spreading the message of hope, strength, and compassion I would have just laughed. Here I am and I wouldn’t trade this weekend for the world.

Its amazing where our lives take us and how much our words matter. I have always been a firm believer in speaking the truth and using that truth to empower others. The truth and speaking it is part of who I am. Sharing my story and encouraging women has become part of my journey. I realize now that a lot of newly divorced women come here looking for support and to read my blunders. Theres been quite a few and I am lucky to be apart of their journey. The journey of finding themselves again.

Some may say I am a failure married at 25 and divorced at 28. I am not a failure. One knows when there is nothing left to fight for and when to walk away. It was easy to walk away from Scott, but it hurt like hell to walk away from his beautiful 6-year-old son Nylan. I love that kid and I always will. After all this blog is for Nylan. He will always be my first child (from another mother) and I am greatful that I got to be his mom for five beautiful years.

What got me through the hard times was faith. People tell me “I wish I had your faith. You just never seem concerned. How can you leave it up to chance?” Growing up my father always told me this “if all else fails….pray.” I figure God has kept me on this planet for a reason. Lord knows he’s tried to knock me of it more than once. I think I am working on my 3rd life or something along those lines. For me bouncing back is the best part. I’ve done a lot of looking back over the past year. My second stroke anniversary is just around the corner and so is unfortunately my 29th birthday.

Looking back has allowed me to examine my failed marriage. To really look at it from a different perspective. A year ago I was so hurt and bitter that I couldn’t look with clear eyes. However time does heal all wounds and allows you to remember. Remembering that the signs were written on the wall the entire time. Realizing that my x husband is mentally ill and that there was nothing I did wrong. I harbored anger that didn’t allow me to move forward. Anger not because he cheated on me with every woman on craigs list. Anger because he abandoned me when our son died. No one should have to walk through the death of a child alone. He has told me that is his one regret. Not being man enough to get on that plane and be with me.

In truth he was never man enough. Man enough to admit his wrongs and to right the course. Yes $5,000.00 bracelets, trips, and shopping sprees are nice. But they didn’t erase the pain that I felt when I found his email wide open. Open with lies and that the driver’s seat was moved in the Prius each morning. Here I thought he was playing world of warcraft all night long. Turns out Scott was warming someone elses bed and leaving me at home alone. People say “You had everything. You were such a great couple.” Never take something at face value. Peal the layers back and you would have seen a marriage that was broken before it even started.

On the day I found out my uterine cancer was in remission I sent the ex husband an email. Finding the strength within myself to forgive him. I no longer want to be apart of him and in order to break away I had to forgive. Forgiving my ex husband was the last piece to the equation of getting myself back.

Forgiving him allowed me to be at peace with everything. I do not regret that my marriage happened and wouldn’t trade the years with Nylan. Just it wasn’t meant to be. We live, learn a little, and then we get even on Tuesdays.

Learning is what I am doing now. Putting one foot in front of the other and standing on my own. Somedays it lonely, frustrating when I can’t reach something up high, and I miss those moments in the sun. Being in a relationship is an amazing experience. It’s even better when you are with someone who totally gets you. I can say I have been in love 3 times in my life. One I divorced, One moved on, and the other took his life last summer. Not many people can say they have found love even once. I am counting myself lucky. With each relationship I have discovered new parts of myself and because of them I am on hell of a woman.

Those three men made me the woman I am today. I am greatful for the time I got with them. Because without the boys and their love, my heart would never have burst wide open. An we all know that when you believe deeply your heart is set on fire with hope. Then and only then will it burst wide open and create such a light that it will empower you to change the world.

The Best NINJAS Hang Out With God {Remembering Adam Lavasseur}

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Life is a journey worth taking and a dream worth dreaming. One thing I know is that today is for sure and tomorrow is uncertain. None of us know when our name with be called in heaven and when our last moment will be.

Early this morning I got word that I lost a very dear college friend. A man who was literally bigger than life. Someone so pure and kind he set your heart on fire. From the moment I met him a friendship was born and as they say the rest was history.

Adam lived three doors down from me in Ross Hall on the UW-Superior campus. We would sit in the hallway late at night just talking about life and dreaming of our futures. I could hear him cheering loudly from his room on nights the Packers were winning and even louder on the nights that the Vikings were loosing. He would walk with me to class and poke fun at my “old lady parka.” Adam was truly a gift. I am a better person because of Adam and I am thankful to call him my friend.

Part of me is angry with God. I must ask “What makes me different? You saved me, so why didn’t you step in and save Adam?” Maybe this is something I’ll never really understand. People well medical professionals tell me I should be dead and its a mystery on how I survived a massive pulmonary embolism. Losing Adam makes me realize how special life is and that it truly is a gift. We do not have control over our demise. We only have control over what we do with the time we have.

Time is something we have a lot of. Yet, we let that time run through our fingers. Putting off I love you, dates with friends, and for what? That what is work, work always gets in the way of our time. Yet work is something we need to sustain us and keep us a float. Its been a while since I’ve spent time with Adam and I’d give anything to have more time with him. Time, is something we can never get back, no matter how hard we try. We never get a do over. So use your time wisely and spread as much love as you can. Because in the end love is all that matters.

What matters now is that we look deep within our selves and honor Adam. Honor him by extending a smile to a stranger, a hug to a child, and sharing laughter with friends. Adam would want that. This I am sure of. He had so much love in his heart that is was bursting wide open. Adam never cut anyone down, he always saw the good in us and remind us to find the good in others.

My hope is that all of you have an Adam in your lives. Let that person know how much they mean to you and tell them. Because you never know when their last day on earth will be. I have to believe that the best ninjas get to hang out with God. Adam, you my friend were one hell of a Ninja. I will treasure our friendship and miss you deeply. Rest my friend rest on the clouds of heaven.

Blind Date………..Oh My!

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As you know I choose to keep my personal life off of the blog. However sometimes its to good/funny or just a darn right blunder not to share. Hence I am breaking my own rule. I make the rules around here, so I can break them if I want too.

I have been single for a full year now. Strange I know. It’s actually the longest I have gone without being in a relationship since I was 20. My what 8 years can do to a girl. I have no problem being single. Well that is unless I am trying to reach something up high or have news to share then I mind it a tad. Only a tad thou. I’ve dabbled in dating on my own and have been chucked into it by friends.

Friends always have a business card, a friend, or a coworker to put in front of me. I’ve gone to parties where they are like “Hey you have to come. I invited so and so and he’s single.” I go and both of us just feel duped.

Duped is what happened a week ago. I was minding my own business going merrily on my way. When the phone rang and of course it was someone trying to set me up with someone. Sweetly I declined, my decline wasn’t accepted and I got guilted into going to dinner. He was my type, nerdy, a little quirky, educated (that’s always a plus), and short. Short doesn’t do me any good when I am trying to reach things up high. But, somehow I always end up with the short ones. Height doesn’t matter to me, it’s the person who counts. (Remember that ladies)

Drinks went well and then he blurts out “I googled you, I found your blog.” OK. I said. He just looked at me strangely. Then again he gave me the square eye every time I used the words/phrases “Epic, Ninja, Kung Fu, Shut the front door, and Fail Whale.” Come one now, that’s common lingo in my world, and I am not going to change. After the square eyes were glanced he picked apart my twitter feed and my blog.

In his words “I could never date a woman who puts herself out there. You, you are to out spoken for me. You dear are a little to independent for me. An quite frankly I don’t want to end up on your blog.” I looked him in the eye and said “I think I am going to get my check. You are not worth my time. I’m sorry but it’s not 1950 something anymore. Women are allowed to be out spoken, independent, and darn right awesome!”

This is a problem I run into often. For me I don’t need to cling to a mans every word nor do I need to hear from them 24/7. If you like me, you like me. I get it. For me there needs to be “AmandaJean time” and then “us time.” Sometimes us time may occur a few times a week or hey, it may take a month for my schedule to calm down before I can see you again. I often tell people “I am like a plant. Take me out, check on me, and I am fine.” So what is it with men and why do they want co-dependant women? Ugh. Like I’ve said before men need to come with manuals. Manuals, we need man manuals. You think men would have invented this by now.

With or without a manual, I still have faith that Mr right is out there somewhere. A man who will giggle at the very sound of “Epic, Ninja, Kung Fu, Shut the front door, and Fail Whale.” Of course I will provide him with an AmandaJean’s words/phrases decoder book so he can understand the lingo. I might even hand him a plant as a reminder, that I am like a plant. With a little sun and care the relationship will grow. Grow into something epic and beautiful. Yup, that’s what I want. A relationship that grows like a plant.

For now I am ignoring blind date requests and outside help. The only person that knows what I want is me. An I am going to find my plant like relationship on my own. Bring on the plants!

Relationship Advice From The Divorced Girl?

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It amazes me when friends call late at night looking for a kind ear and solid relationship advice. Heck, if I were you I’d be the last person I’d come to for advice. Then again I am known for my blunt, no bull shit, straight from the heart, and tell you like it is advice. You will never get sugar-coating from me.

One thing I can not stand are liars and people who are so fake they make a snake look cool. Be yourself and you can never go wrong. Don’t lie to get someone to like you or to make people think you are better than what you are. Lies start to unravel after a while and you will find yourself drowning alone. An no one wants to be alone. No one likes a person who walks around in a suit when they don’t have to. Maybe that suit makes you feel important, gives you a sense of worth, and protects your secrets from the world. At the end of the day your suit has to come off and the holes in your shoes will collect water. No one likes wet socks, not even me.

Socks are something you should never lose on a first date. It’s ok to giggle your socks off, but never leave them behind. Maybe I am a tad old-fashioned or just a little jaded by my divorce. All to often my male friends call me and say she broke up with me. I kindly ask why knowing full well its 3am and I have to be awake in 2 hours. They tell me what went wrong and usually it ends up with they lost their socks and she walked away. I say hold on to your socks until you build something you can stand on. Then again I didn’t heed my own advice and found myself divorced 6 years later.

Divorce is something I never want to see any of you go through. Trust me no one ever plans on it. People change, things change, and divorce is the only way out. I have seen divorced women who flaunt it like their Mama’s told them not to do and then there are those who cry into their tissues.The same goes for women who are fresh out of a break up. They like divorced women build these walls and start to date like men. Men are an interesting creature. One of these days we will be provided with manuals to figure them out.

Most of my male friends are single. They are the type of man who worked hard to build a career, bought homes/condos, and are over all great catches. Yet their still single. I will point out that most of them are under 5’10”. They are short and for some reason women will not give them the time of day. There is nothing wrong with short men. I tend to date on the shorter side, I don’t try to it just turns out that way. Ladies give the short ones a chance, you will be surprised. Just look past the fact that neither of you will be able to reach things up high and you will be fine.

On the other side of the coin alot of my female friends are young professionals or single mamas. I am the only divorced one in the pack. They often tell me its hard to find a man to put up with their independent crazy work schedule life style. I tell them date up not down. If you date down that person may not understand your schedule and lifestyle. Date someone who can fit into your life and someone who will want to work with you to make those dates. Someone who understands that yup, you may cancel plans last-minute but, you will make up for it later. Heck, he might have to cancel plans and send you flowers the next day to put a smile on your face. Date the person you can’t live without, who cares if he doesn’t fit the mental image of prince charming. Every man deserves a chance to be with a professional woman like you. Go out and make someones day. It doesn’t hurt to grab a drink and have a conversation for a few hours.

Drinks lead to interesting conversations. Yes, I have been drunk dialed by friends and had my door knocked on at 3 am when dates go a rye. Turning them away is not an option. I am not that type of person. I sit with them hand tissue over or utter the words “Its going to get batter. You are an Awesome Ninja. Mr/Ms Right is just hiding on you.” A smile usually breaks when the word Ninja is used and that smile leads to a giggle. Giggles let us know that we are going to be all right and that hey its all part of the game.

So my advice is dust off your dating shoes and try, try, try until something sticks. You are never going to find love if you hide in your office all day. Cruise the streets look for eye candy, talk to a stranger, and be yourself. Invite that coworker you’ve been eyeing to happy hour, ask the barista to dinner, and answer an online ad. So what if they shoot you down. It just means they weren’t worth your time to begin with. So Ninjas what are you going to do? You my friends are going to go get your date on.

Ninja Road Trip

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Wine Tasting with my two lovely Ninja BFFS


Every once in a while you’ve just got to dodge out-of-town. Seeing Miss Joy in Green Bay provided to be the perfect option. It has been about a year since I’ve seen my sister from another reservation. Oh, my have I missed her. Joy always keeps me calm and helps me clear the jumbled mess I call a brain.

I took this trip as a fitting opportunity for Angela my newest ninja BFF to meet my dearest ninja BFF. Lucky for me they got along grand and the weekend was filled with goodness. Joy met us at our hotel and tears began to fall as she threw her arms around me. This woman has provided me with more strength that I could ever imagine. She whispered in my ear “Its gonna be all right Mannie.” Those words melted my soul.

Being in the car can make one hungry, like so hungry you would wrestle an alligator and eat it for dinner hungry. Olive Garden was a wise choice and my watermelon martini hit the right spot. Darn that thing was good, I’d go back just for that cocktail.

Watermelon Martini

After lunch we headed over to Cooks Corner the nations largest (that’s their claim) kitchen store. I only have one reason to go here and no it’s not for the awesome cooking gear. They have amazing fudge, yes fudge more flavours than you could ever try. sherbert was their new flavour and it was amazing. Yum! Yum!
As most of you know I am working as a contract paralegal for one of the large firms in town and I have a little inside joke with a coworker. An the joke just got better at the kitchen store. Two words: Gummy Alligator. I was laughing so hard the clerk must have thought I was nuts or drunk. This was one of the most funniest candies I have ever seen and was the perfect gift for the Sherpa.

So with my fudge, gummy alligator and new kitchen finds we set off for the mall. You must know I took Angela to the mall so she could get a boob job. Its true I did. I got her a bra education session, a proper fitting, and her boobs they are pretty darn perky. Angela is now more confident in herself and her boobs stand at attention. Real friends take their friends to get good bras. It’s true they do.

Captains Walk is also the other reason I decided on Green Bay. I love love this winery and their staff is mighty darn fantastic. Plus they know me by name (yup it’s that bad) and their wines can’t be beat. To be honest out of all of the wineries in America Captains Walk is my hands down favorite. I get sad when I run out of their wine, so sad that I have to place my order online and then get carded by the UPS man. Anyways Joy and I helped Angela pick her wines and made sure she had an awesome time.

Soon it was time for Joy to head into work and we were left without a tour guide. Never fear I have a GPS and got around Green Bay just fine. Dinner at Brett Farves steak house was a bust, Applebees had better fair, booze in a bag is handy and our hotel, well we didn’t get mugged.

Since our night was mugging free and our hazemat suits were tucked away we hit the road. The road to Appleton that is. Yes, a visit with Joy almost always involves two things BBQ and red velvet cake. At Famous Dave’s I explained what was going on, my man troubles, I let the C word fly, and advised that I haven’t felt right in a while. This sent Angela and Joy into a game of twenty questions, both decided a ritual of protection was in order.

Supplies were bought, in the circle I sat, and waited for whatever this was to leave. Leave it did and my bad ninja mojo was gone. Replaced by cold, cold, and more cold. I was totally wearing a fleece on a 90 degree day. The day slipped into night and it was time for Angela and I to head home. The trip was way to short.

Standing On The Other Side Of Divorce

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June 27th will mark 1 year since I left my x husband. Wow, really wow one year is almost here. I remember the day I left and how broken I was. The woman that pulled the prius out of the drive on Brighton trail, isn’t the woman I know today.

Honestly I was never happy in my marriage. I kept up a good act of making people think we were the perfect couple in the perfect house. The house that was supposed to make us closer turned into a 3,000 sq foot battle ground. A battle that was always raging. In truth I was dying inside. I was trying to earn the love of a man who never wanted me.

A man who shoved my dreams, my needs, and wants to the bottom of the pile. His family (brothers and parents) always came before me. Heck I wasn’t even second on his list. He cared more about his whores, than me. He gave compliments, glances, and his kindness to every woman that wasn’t his wife. He’d sneak off in the middle of the night to warm another woman’s bed, Craigslist was his play ground, and I was left alone. Left trying to make our marriage work.

Work was something he never understood. He never understood that we were suppose to be a team. That it took two to make a marriage. He was always checked out and I was left to take care of his child. A child that I didn’t want to lose. I worked hard to give Nylan a family, a home, and a life he deserved to live. I would count down the days until Nylan would arrive from Texas. Plan outings, meals, and revel in the joy he gave me. Nylan, is the sole reason I stayed.

I felt I owed it to Nylan to make our family work, so I stayed. Soon, I couldn’t take it anymore. I brought it up to the x and a huge argument exploded before my eyes. He told me ” your fat I am not attracted to you anymore. You are the only problem in our marriage.” Thats right in his eyes, I was always the problem and he never did anything wrong. I hate to say it, but his choice in women isn’t the greatest. As long as she was loose, ready and willing he’d fuck her until the sun came up. I’m sorry but your never going to find a quality woman on craigs list. I had enough.

I had nothing left to give to this man and I no longer had the strength to make things work. I was a stranger in my own body. No one has ever made me feel like he did and no one will ever belittle me again.

No one will ever rob me of my happiness, my self-worth, and my kung fu again. The day I walked out of that house, I felt a dump truck lift off my shoulders. I had hope again. My laugh was more bubbly, my smile a little brighter, and my life was mine to live.

I was free. Free from the mental and emotional abuse he laid apon me. Free to dream, to dare, and free to hope for a better day. Mainly I realized that I am worth it. That I matter in this world.

One Year Later:

I realize now that giving up law school for marriage was the DUMBEST decision I have ever made in my life. Yet, it isn’t something I would change. Because each moment of darkness we endure makes us stronger. When I first left, I didn’t realize that I had been a victim of abuse. To me abuse happens when someone throws a punch. Abuse in a marriage takes many forms, for me it was mental and emotional. With the help of my family, friends, and one hell of a therapist I came out on the other side. I cried the first time that someone told me I mattered. It had been five long years since I had heard the words “You matter to me.”

Knowing that I matter heals some of the pain and brings me comfort on quiet nights. The first few months were rough, I was trying desperately to find a rhythm and clinging to anything I could grasp. Slowly I found the rhythm and let go of the safety net. The constant need to be in contact with friends dwindled. Long gone are the months of 8,000 text messages. They have been replaced with independence and the ability to just be. To be me, without my black berry glued to my hand. My hands actually hold other things now. An my friends have grown with me.

We had to learn together. They had to realize that a lack of a text, tweet, or message doesn’t mean I’m dead. In reality I can’t blame them for being concerned, after all I did almost die on my friends and family. They know that I love them and that this is how the pre-marriage AmandaJean used to be.

That I am back, the sassy, stubborn, big-hearted, independent take no bull shit from anyone AmandaJean is back. I have dabbled in dating. Dating provides me with more blunders than successes. I am still single and at the end of the day I am ok with that.

The x husband would tell me “bear you’ll never make it on your own.” Well I’ve got a roof over my head, my bills are paid, the muppet has food in his bowl and my bank account is in the positive.

Fuck you Scott! I made it!

Hope: Everyone Deserves The Right To Tie The Knot

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I love the constitution as much as the next paralegal/lawyer. I love the fact that our country was created on its principles. That a group of men had a vision, a vision of a land where everyone was equal and free. As our country grew, so did our constitution. Amendments are a beautiful thing, they gave women the right to vote and made people of color equal citizens. It clearly states that State and church shall remain separate.

Separate is an understatement. All to often our law makers and even our president blur the lines between church and state. It disgust me to no end that people are using our beloved constitution as a weapon in a which hunt. A which hunt that will not end at creating amendments banning gay marriage. We are a country built on dreams, hopes, and ideas. One man knew that this could be the place, the land of equality and freedom. Thousands of men fought and died to protect our freedoms, to protect our way of life. An I will be damned if their deaths do not stand for something. They paid the ultimate price. The price so that we could be free.

I am a very proud God Mother to my God Daughter Rose. I remember the day T & C came to me and asked me to write a recommendation to the adoption agency on their behalf. I didn’t think twice. I told T & C that it would be an honor, an honor to help these two men become fathers. A child doesn’t care if you are gay or straight. As long as you show them love, love is all they need. An it doesn’t matter if that love comes from same-sex parents or heterosexual parents. Its love! Plain and simple it comes down to love!

Rose is a beautiful little girl. T & C love her without question, they are the two most amazing parents you will ever meet. To see the love they have for Rose is amazing. She is the best dressed little girl I know. I stood proudly next to T & C at the baptismal font. I took a vow that I would protect and raise Rose with everything that I had and would teach her about God. I once got in trouble in college for making this statement “If we are all made in the image of God, then well part of God is gay too.” I got a lot of heat for that statement, but I still believe in it. God does not turn his back on people. People turn their backs on people. We lose hope.

Hope. Is what I see when I look at T, C, and Rose. A beautiful wild Hope that shows we are moving in the right direction. Yet, so many want to hinder our Hope. They believe that same-sex couple should not marry. It breaks my heart, it truly does. My hope is to stand at T & C’s side as they say I do. Just like I did at the baptismal font. I want to cheer them on, throw rice in their hair, and party down at their wedding. This should not go to a vote. We are Minnesotans, people know us for our manners, for our visions, and mostly we are a people of Hope.

So it is my HOPE that you will reach out to someone who is gay and tell them I AM BEHIND YOU. Let them know that you have hope, hope that they will one day gain the right to marry. Rose deserves to live in a world where her parents can marry. She deserves to know a world of HOPE and to put this hate behind her. Rose is T & C’s greatest joy and that joy knows no boundaries.

Its Time to Hit the Pow Wow Trail

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Honor the Earth Pow Wow

Spring brings a sense of busy to the reservations. Mothers are tightening the final beads on moccasins, sewing the last feather into the head-dress, and the last bit of fringe is being added to the shawl. This is a time of excitement, we work through the week so that we can hit the trail. Pow wows are a social time, a chance to catch up with old friends, and family that you haven’t seen in a while.

As I sit in my chair I get chills as the grand entry begins. The beating of the drum soaks into my heart, the colors take my breath away, and the tears begin to fall. This was the way, the way of our people. Little children run bare foot, parents look on with pride as the youth take up the dances of the past, and the drum calls you to the center. The singers voices drift beyond the pines, young boys look on as the drum beats, women join with a sad cry. This is how we once were.

I try to picture how it use to be. How the old days were and I try to picture my grandma dancing around the drum. The pride that she had for her life for her people. My niece runs up to me and asks “auntie did you see me? I danced just for you.” Thank you Jolie, that was a beautiful dance, I loved it. She looks at me with childhood wonder and a chocolate covered smile. This, this is the life. Not a care in the world, just me, my friends, and the beat of the drum calling us home.

Jolie and I at Honor the Earth

The smell of fry bread drifts through the air, followed by the distinct smell of taco meat. Indian tacos are my crack, I think I eat at least 2 at every Pow Wow. Nina smiles at me, as she knows not to put lettuce on mine. I don’t even have to tell her she knows as soon as I stand in front of her cart. Jolie comes running up to me with a smile on her face and asks quietly “Can I have some?” I always share with Jolie, she snuggled up next to me watching the dancers and stuffing herself with Indian Taco. This, this is what life is about, teaching the next generation. I have to be strong for her and show this little taco eating lady, that she is worth it.

Dancers, Indian tacos, family and friends are how I choose to spend my weekend. My trunk is packed with my Pow Wow chair, my best Pow Wow shades and flip-flops. I am ready to hit the trail, to drive off into the Northland, to the winding reservation roads that lead to the Pow Wow grounds. That is where you will find me nestled in my chair under the arbor with my family at my side. This is the way, this is what life is about.