Category Archives: love

To My Future Husband

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My Mama loves to tell people this story: When Mannie was about 6 years old she was laying on the kitchen floor reading the comics while I was doing the dishes. She looked up at me and over at her dad and said ” Mom, Dad I pity my future husband.” Um why is that doll. “Well because I am going to be a Bitch when i grow up, not a mean one, a good one.” We didn’t know whether to punish her for swearing or laugh. We laughed and well she is right, she is the good kind, she never backs down from anything and stands up for her self. Or as she says, I let my inner Ninja fly Mom.

To my future Husband:

Please understand that I am not your cookie cutter woman. Please know that I have done more living in 28 years than most people do in 100 years. I am fiercely independent and do not take no for an answer. I am stubborn and set in my ways, I know what I want and how to get it.

Some say I am damaged, that I am a little jaded and jagged around the edges. If we truly live our lives on the fly all of us become a little rough around the edges. Only those who don’t dare, try, or dream sail through with our scuffs. I like my scuffs they make me who I am and I am proud of them. Each one tells a story and those stories make me the woman I am today. They are a part of me and remind me of how far I have come.

Know that God saw something in me, that allowed him to save me. I am often reminded that only 1 out of 6 walks away from a PE. That I am living on my second chance and making each day worth it. I have faith that God has something amazing in store for me. Realize this and you will become a part of my mission. The mission: Is to spread Major Kung Fu around the world and to make it a little better for everyone.

I am caring, loyal, and deeply passionate. I will do anything for anyone. I would lay my life down with out a second thought, give the shirt of my back, and the meal on my plate to someone in need without question. We get back what we put into this world. So I choose to inject the world with kindness, love and passion. That way it will come back to me ten fold, or at least I hope it will.

Know that I have been a mom, to a little boy Named Nylan, I will always be tied to this child. Even thou I am divorced and no longer have legal ties to him, he is and will always be my son. I puffy heart step parents, because they step up to the plate and become the parents no one asked them to be. They just do, I just did. Also Know that I have a child in heaven, that experience alone has made me stronger than I have ever thought possible. He is with me in spirit every day and brings me peace knowing that he is resting with God.

I am a young divorcee and no I did not fail my x husband. He recently told me that I was one heck of a wife. He thanked me for being the mom I didn’t have to be to his son and for taking care of his dogs. He realizes that he failed me and that he crushed my dream of a happy marriage. I still hold on to that dream, the dream of a successful marriage. Divorce has taught me that I don’t have to take mr right now and to wait for Mr. Right. So that is what I am doing waiting for Mr. Right. (you can drop him down anytime god)

The above are the major things you need to know. The minor things are as follows:

Budget: I have no idea what this word means, I have a nasty spending habit, I can afford it so why not. We only live once and hey money doesn’t buy happiness.

Travel: I keep my passport in my purse (I know that’s a stupid place for it) however just having it with me gives me the knowledge that I can ditch this country at my whim. I’ve traveled the globe and conquered its sites, leaving me with wonder and joy.

Hybrid Cars: I love love my Prius, I will never drive a normal car again. Going green is a conscious decision not a life style for me. Just know that I have no idea how to check my oil, antifreeze, and all of that jazz under the hood. Yes, we are so having AAA!

Sleeping: I don’t sleep with my head on my pillow. 9 out of 10 times it’s on the floor or your side of the bed. An I don’t like to be covered, so no pulling the covers up to my ears. I will hit you if you do this and then apologize for hitting you.

Chocolate: Don’t waste your money on it. I am severely allergic to it and can not eat it. I know, I know all women love chocolate. If you bring it to me, I’ll shove it right back at you or either that puke on your shoes. Its your choice keep me chocolate free or wear puke on your shoes. (For me its a no brainer)

Dogs: The muppet and I are a package deal. No ifs ands or buts. We go together no matter what, so you must like dogs.

Follow this outline and you will do all right with me. An be ready for the craziest ride of your life. No day goes without adventure in my world and I like it that way. So where ever you are future husband know that one caring, passionate witty Ninja is waiting for you.

What Women Never Talk About

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I know I’ve mentioned it in passing on my blog that I had a miscarriage in May.
Today I was invited to speak to a pregnancy loss support group that was for both moms and dads. It was hard, it took everything in me just to get up in front of them. I knew that I had to, that some how my words would heal them, and show them that yes its ok to move on.

Ever since I can remember I wanted to be two things in this world. The president and a mom. I knew that I wanted one of my own and that I wanted to adopt one as well. When I was little I was obsessed with cabbage patch kids, because I could adopt them. I figured there are children in this world that need a chance, to be loved, and to know that they matter to someone.

When I met my now x husband the dream of adopting a child was realized I became a mom to his son. I loved Nylan from the moment I saw him. When I looked into his eyes, I saw my son, I didn’t see Scott and Lisa’s child, I saw my child looking back at me. Lord, Knows I would do anything for Nylan.

This spring we found out that we were expecting it was finally a silver lining in the year from hell. We found out a few days before the 6 month anniversary of my pulmonary embolism. The doctors told us it was high risk, they talked about a plan c section, bed rest and constant monitoring of my blood, to make sure another clot didn’t happen. I started lovenox right away injecting myself two times a day and a shit load of vitamins. Scott and I were so in love during this time, we talked about paint colors, nursery furniture, about the future. What our baby would be like, who they would take after. I told him: “if this baby is anything like me, well be in for one hell of a ride, because I was off the hook when I was little.” He just looked at me, smiled, and said I know, I am ready, and your still of the walls babe.

I started showing sooner than all the baby books said I would, people said there was probably two in there, an ultra sound confirmed that I was carrying a singleton, a little bear of our own. It’s hard to believe that one ultra sound can bring you so much joy, can allow you to see the heartbeat and to catch a glimpse of the creation. Yet in one swoop, it can take it all away. The same room where I found joy, I found grief.

Looking up at the monitor, I didn’t see a flicker, the technician kept moving the thing around, told me to sit tight, and then the doctor came in. He had her show him what she had seen. The movement I had seen a week prior was gone, the flicker, the light, the hope, the dream of a child, was gone it came crashing down around me. This room it felt so cold, the doctor he tried to explain, told me the options I had.

I do a lot of crying in the prius, I called my mom and told her the news. my dad for some reason magically appeared on my door step. Threw his arms around me and said we are gonna get through this. He held me so tight, telling me that God has a brighter plan and that some day it will make sense. I was angry, I felt horrible, that it was my fault, that God didn’t think I was worthy enough to carry a child. I cursed his name and asked. You chose to save me that day, why the hell didn’t you save my child. Instead you showered me with more pain, with more broken dreams, and gray days.

I did what was best for me. I couldn’t bring myself to sit around and wait for nature to take its course, I chose to have a D&C. I think god for Sherri she took me to United, held my hand and sat with me until it was time. They went through the risks, the what ifs of the procedure. I said stop why you’re a head, as I am always the exception and it will probably happen to me. They explained it would take less than 40 minutes and that I wouldn’t remember a thing. Sherri, did for me what my x husband wasn’t man enough to do. She was there for me during the roughest time of my life. All while my x husband sat in Vegas, he wasn’t man enough to get on a plane, to face the truth, and to see his wife crushed.

Some women tell me that I chose the easy way out. Let me tell you this there is nothing easy about a D&C. Everyone knows why your there and they ask you over and over again. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. An all the what ifs they told me about, well the 40 minute procedure turned in to 2.5 hours. They ripped a four-inch hole in my Uterus and damaged my cervix. Even worse is they didn’t think to stitch up the hole and well a week later I wound up in the hospital with a serious uterine infection.

The days turned into weeks. My x husband expected me to bounce back to my old self. Yet, I couldn’t this experience changed me, it made me into a mama to a baby in heaven, and caused me to really take a deep look at my life. I could never get over the fact that my x deserted me during the worst time of my life. That he didn’t think I was important enough to jump on a plane, to be by my side, to hold my hand and cry with me. It was time for a change. It was time for him to go.

I realize now that little bears passing gave me the strength to walk away from a loveless marriage, to fight for myself again, and show the world who I was. One day while watching the sunrise on lake Calhoun I realized something: I had asked god over and over again why did he save me and not my child. It hit me, that without me, there will be no children, that if he had let me go, there would be no children. I have faith that some day it will make sense and that god saved the vessel that will some day carry life again. Little bear and Nylan will always be my children. One is in heaven and the other is now being raised by another woman.

After I finished telling my story I looked at these people and said: ” Welcome to the parent to a baby in heaven club.” Its a club no one wants to join, but in here we all understand and lean on each other. It takes time, but with each day it will get easier, each breath you take will calm you, and best of all you will never ever forget this life that god graced you with. You can do something to remember your child. My family and I planted a birch tree in Alucious Gregory’s honor. It is a tree that I hope one day will provide shade to his brothers and sisters on earth. Honor your child, remember this time, and let the ones that come after know about their sibling in heaven. You my friends, you will be all right. I am certain of this.

2010

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2010 is a year that I will always remember, a year filled with change, hope, love, sadness, and loss.

We were still in recovery mode and thanked our lucky stars that the blood clot had dissolved. This was my new normal, life as a pulmonary embolism survivor. One filled with constant chest pain, short breath, and lack of stamina. Yet, with all the pain, I was able to see the grace in my situation.

Winter was filled with happiness. Nylan turned 6, I was so proud to see him grow and learn with each coming day. He went tubbing for the first time, you could see the fear in his eyes as he looked out at the horizon and down the hill, yet he courageously stepped into the tube and was greeted with laughter at the bottom. I realized that my chubby cheeked boy was turning in to a pint size man. He would test his boundaries and no longer needed my help. He was and is becoming independent.

In the spring we learned that our little family of three humans and three dogs was growing. Scott and I were so excited when we found out that we were expecting a little one of our own. We nick named out babies little bear and set in planning the nursery, buying supplies, and picking out names. If it was a boy it would be named Alucious Gregory and if it were a girl her name would be EmmiLeigh Grace (Yup she would have a double name just like her mama).

Sadly as quickly as life was created God took our little bear away. We were devastated when we lost our child. For the longest time I thought it was my fault, that I had done something, or that I wasn’t good enough to be a mom in God’s eyes. Yet, with each new day came a sense of peace. Tests concluded that my baby was a boy, a beautiful boy named Alucious Gregory. I am a proud mama to a baby in heaven. I am grateful for this experience, because without it I would have never had the strength to take the next step.

The winds of change were brewing. The once loving couple had finally drifted apart. Nothing could bring them back together, so a judgment call was made, and I walked away from my marriage and my step son. I never thought I’d be one of those women who got a divorce, who gave up on their families, and throw in the towel. I felt a shamed at first, like I failed, and that now I was damaged. Yet, I realize it takes two to make a marriage work, and well my heart left my marriage a long time ago and my brain just now caught up.
The summer brought my independence, confidence, and new found friendships. It also marked the end of Lily and Lola. The friendship ended in turbulent rapture, yet it needed to end. It taught me to choose my friends wisely and that not everyone is who they project themselves to be. I hope she got some help and that things are going well for her.

I bravely walked away from my job in September, not knowing what tomorrow would bring, all I had was faith to carry my through. The one year anniversary of my pulmonary embolism passed and my birthday came. Dates were plentiful, yet, none were worth keeping or sustaining serious relations. Friends carried me through the down times and cheered me on during the highs. I started a new job in the banking world, got another infection in my lung (stupid lung), and met a new amazing friend. Trips were plentiful and the muppet like dog provided me with hours of laughter. Man I love that little beast, he truly is the best dog ever!

2010 was the worst yet most amazing year of my life. I will always remember 2010 as the year I took myself back.

Bucket List

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The other day I was having dinner with friends and over drinks we started talking about our lives. Things we had done, places we’ve seen, and regrets yet to be taken. Jack turned to me and said “what do you have left to cross of your list?” I stared blankly into my wine, looked up and said “I’m not sure?” Me the girl, who has seen the world, lived a life of loss and love, who has so much to realize, did not have a bucket list at the ready. I was taken back by this question, of all the things people ask of me, I did not have an answer. An, I usually have an answer for everything.

So with much thought and soul-searching, I now have an answer of sorts. A list of dreams and challenges that I want to see accomplished. These things are in no particular order, but are numbered for the sake of the list.

1. To personally say “thank you” to every person who has made an impact on my life and made me the woman I am today. For without you this journey would be a lonely destination. My life wouldn’t be worth living without you.

2. To stand on all 7 continents. I have 3 down and 4 to go. I grew up in North America, Called Europe my home for four months in 2004, and marveled at the wonders of Africa’s Egypt.

3. To start a family: I have been a mom to another woman’s child. Sadly in divorce as a step parent you have no legal tie to that child, and you have to walk away. I guess part of me just wants to be a mom, just to prove that I can carry a child to term, that my miscarriage was just a fluke, and that God believes in me enough to bless me with providing life to another human being.

4. To attend Law School: When I was a little girl, I didn’t play school. Instead I played court room, I was the judge, my babies were the lawyers and my bears served as the jury. The quest for justice has been instilled in me from a young age and it is a burning desire that I constantly need to feed. I want to become the most compassionate attorney on the planet.

5. Marriage, yes even me a young divorcee wants to give marriage another go around. There is something about having a partner, a sidekick, someone who understands you like no other person on this planet. I want to be in love again and share my life with a husband.

6. To publish a book. My story is a crazy one. Of a life lived, blood clots, child loss, and divorce. I have over come every obstacle God has sat before me. If my story could encourage others to seek good in the world, then well it would be worth the paper it is written on.

7. To bring the dangers of birth control to the fore front. I learned the hard way what birth control can do. I am lucky I survived and thankful for every day I wake up.

8. To own a Frank Lloyd Wright home. Even if it were just for a minute.

9. To open a bakery. Baking to me equals love. When I bake I use my grandma Dorothy’s recipes and when I bake I feel her love. That love lives through the sinful deserts that are created in my kitchen.

10. To take a cross-country road trip with friends.

11. I want to take my parents to Europe one day. After all they paid for me to study abroad twice.

12. I want to teach one day. Teach the law to other passionate people like myself.

I am skipping number 13, I believe in its unluckiness.

14. I have always wanted a miniature goat as a pet. I think there cute, so Yes I want to have a goat.

15. I have a dream of starting my own charity one day. A charity that will benefit the at risk families of the country. To lift them up and out.

16. Run for public office. I have dreams of being president one day. I remember telling my kindergarten teacher that I wanted to president when I grew up. my 5-year-old self, still holds on to that dream.

17. White water rafting in the grand canyon or any wild crazy river for that matter

18. have a snow ball fight in Antarctica.

19. I have a mad desire to visit the rain forest.

20. I want to bask in the sun on the beaches of Bali.

21. To spread Major Kung Fu around the globe.

22. Mostly I want to leave this world a little better than I found it.

That folks is my bucket list. A list of adventure, dreams, and human desire. This list will guide me during the next chapter of my life and when I feel like I want to give up. It will remind me that I have something to accomplish and live for.

Letter to the other woman……..

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Please understand that you are now a mother. Not only a mother to the child you are carrying, but a mother to Nylan. To my son (well my son from another mother) and I ask that you treat him like he was your own. Please understand that I raised him, I am the only mother he’s ever had. In life the step parent loses out, we are expected to walk away from a child that we raised and wash our hands of them. I am a mother at heart and for as long as I live Nylan will always be on he back of my mind. I will love that child until my last day.

I know that you may get frustrated at times, he may disrespect you, throw fits, and stomp off in anger. But know that he will warm up to you. It will take time for his little heart to heal, you will never fill the void that I’ve left in his heart. But I have faith that he will warm up to you and respect you for what you are. He may question and blame you down the road, it’s up to Scott to tell him the truth. To tell him, that daddy messed up and that’s why Nannie walked away.

Des, I can tell you it hurt like hell when I said good-bye to Nylan one last time. Its december, god does he love christmas. I’ll admit I spoiled the crap out of him, he had two trees, a huge stocking and presents, more presents than legally allowed.

As you adjust to life in my home, know that i designed that house for a family, the kitchen was my dream. You may not think much of the butterfly granite, the gold walls, and pecan hickory floors, but that was my dream, a bakers paradise. I lost a bet that’s why the bed room walls are black, i am sue by now you’ve ripped my face from every frame I left behind and that you stripped the home of my memories. Just know that at one time the house you call a home was built on my love, love for a family that would slowly drift apart. I pray that you have better luck, I’d keep a close eye on Scott, he is know to lurk on the list and has more women’s numbers in his EVO than I have fingers and toes.

Please know that the dogs you now call your own, were once mine. Little Freckles was a birthday present to me, I rescued her. She is sweet energetic and kind. Mystra, she’s old and wise, a true pupy lady, Hazel is your typical middle child. Love those dogs with all of your heart and they will love you back.

Somethings to know about Nylan. Yes, when he didn’t eat his dinner i told him that starving children in africa would kill for his dinner. Yes, i put numerous leggos and other toys left out in the recycle bin. (they never made it to the curb) It taught him to clean up after himself. Nylan loves to help clean, he knows how to put his clothes in the washer and where the soap goes. Nylan likes waffles with syrup for breakfast. they have to be chocolate chip otherwise he won’t eat them. He’ll eat chicken any way you fix it. That boy loves bbq outside, fires in the fire pit, playing in the yard and so much more. Just know these things and you’ll be all right.

Just please love that child like he is your own. As I maybe gone, but Nylan will always be apart of who i am. He was and is my first child.

I’m moving on

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When I came home a big envelope was waiting for me. My eyes drew quickly to the seal, it was from my lawyer. I knew what this envelope held. It held my freedom, it was legal now, I was no longer your wife. I admit I cried a little as I ran my fingers crossed the decree, 2 years of pain was finally over. It meant I was no longer tied to your name, I am my own person now. I walk into my maiden name with grace. I am still the Same AmandaJean, but no longer bear your name. I feel releaved, yet weighted at the same time.

I am remembered of the lyrics from a Rascal Flatts song,

I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they’re always the same
They mean me no harm but it’s time that I face it
They’ll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home
Would end up where I don’t belong
I’m movin on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarantees but I”m not alone
There comes a time in everyones life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

That’s what I think of. I am going to tuck these papers away, just like I’ve put you in the past. You are a place I don’t need to revisit. Sure you revel in the fact that I am still single, unlike you, I have allowed myself to heal, I’ve allowed myself to be. I’m sure you’ve wiped me out of your life, like the dirt from the floor. But still a song, a show, Nylan, or someone you know will bring your thoughts back to me and you’ll realize you let the best thing walk out of your life. I walked away from a no win situation.

I can say I am happy again, that I am the old AmandaJean, the confident, witty, sassy, girl that you fell in love with. Yet, this time around I am not gonna let my heart fall quickly, I will not be swept up in rapture over night. I will take it slow and follow the course. The calla lily butterfly ring is safely tucked away at the bank and some day it will see the light of day. It is still my dream ring, you just weren’t the right man to give it to me. We were two peices that didn’t fit together.

I am now living a life with meaning, its no longer wrapped around a family (thou I miss the family part). A friend told me that I got a free card, a do over, a get out of jail, because now I get what few people do, a fresh start in the middle of life. So that is what i am doing, I am moving on, moving on with out you and so far it feels good. I threw away your pictures, kept very few things that you gave me, made my girlfriends happy and gave the some of the jewlery. I didn’t need it thats for sure. So this is my fresh start of making new friends, going on dates, nights of endless conversation of cocktails, tripping over cracks in the side walk, plotting 2 am snow ball fights, and not missing you one bit.

Another year closes. Another candle added to the cake.

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It’s funny I was so excited for my 27th birthday. I had waited 27 long years to have a golden birthday. I had planned the perfect party and was overwhelmed with what I thought was the perfect life. That’s right the perfect life that came crashing down on October 22, 2009. I almost died 5 day before my birthday. So #27 came in with a crash landing and left with a quiet decent.

#28 came in quietly closing out a year that included a life time of living in one years time. As I blew out my candles I said a silent prayer and thanked god for giving me 28 years worth of stories, pain, laughter, memories, and sorrows. I realize I’ve done more living in 28 years than most people do in a life time. I am grateful and mystified by my life, sometimes it’s hard to believe it’s mine. It may be crazy, its my story and I am the writer guiding the pen across the blank page.

Funny thing is I wasn’t suppose to make it to 28, I shouldn’t be alive, but by the Lords grace I am. This October marked the 25th anniversary of my life saving surgery and the discovery of my kidney disease. My parents did the unthinkable and turned to god as they sent me in to have the experimental surgery, and lucky for me that experiment worked. When I blow out my candles I thank doctor Donald Love and John Delahaunty because if it weren’t for those two men my light would have been dimed at 3. Many of us go our lives with out seeing angles, I can say mine are on this earth and because of their wit and might I am a live. So I am no stranger to deaths door, God had tried to take me off my stage more than once. Twice I survived the unsurvivable, I’ve knocked on deaths door, and I walked away.

I think God knows I’m not done yet I have a lot to do, a world to change, and justice to stand for. This past year has been like a turbulent river each rapid trying to change my course. It threw me to the shore a time or two, deflated my raft, but like a falcon rising from the ashes I conquered it’s current and rose above the shores. To claim my win, to show the world I am still standing and I will not be silenced by fear.

Year 27 was about loss, strength, love, friendship, and starting over. The following defined year #27, with out these moments people and stories it would have been a boring year.

Divorce: was a word often shouted, used as a threat by my now x husband. When ever we’d get into a fight his famous line was “well maybe we should divorce.” we saw our second wedding anniversary however that June I decided to leave the sinking ship and walk away from a loveless marriage. An walk away I did, the x was in shock, he acted like he was dying I’d seen it before. As always he cared more about money than me and well ladies I’ve left his ass penny less and I could give a fuck about it.

Babies: I experienced the miracle of life, the joys of knowing you are carrying a tiny human, and glowed with pride. Only to have my little bear returned to gods arms. I am forever changed by this experience, even thou it was filled with pain, that brief moment in time Scott and I were so in love. A love that was short lived, nursery planning stopped, the traveler bob stored, and the anger grew. I am and always will be a mama to a baby in heaven.

Apartments: it’s sad I know but I got my first apartment ever. I’ve nicked named my joint the projects. It’s a far cry from my 3,000 square foot home in the burbs with the top notch kitchen and HE washer and dryer, but it’s home baby. Some say it looks jut like the ikea catalog, it does I’ll admit that.

Dogs: I said good bye to my little English pointer miss freckles, knowing full well apartment life wasn’t her style. It was hard, yet I knew it was best, she loves kicking it with hazel and mystra. So since my heart was empty I set out looking for a new fuzzy pal. Insert a fluffy bichon frise named Cullen. He is a funny little beast and best of all he likes our little apartment.

Starting Over: a good friend said to me “hey Amjay at least your not 40 with two kids trying to start fresh.” True I’m not 40 and my only kid is in heaven, so I guess I’m all ready a head of the game. But still it was learning how to put one foot in front of the other. I went from being a wife and mother to a singleton. For the first few weeks I was lost, I was still stuck in mommy wife mode, but slowly the battery died and I learned how to be single again. I am building a life for myself, taking time to give back, and enjoy being me.

Friendship: I have made and maintained some amazing friendships this year. If I don’t name you in this just know I love you with all of my big puffy heart. God Mama has been a source of strength, she gave me faith when my tank was running empty, always telling me to duct tape my big girl pants on and that God has a plan. Miss Meghan my bestie, you are bright and amazing, your friendship means the world to me and I’m so glad your getting married. Miss Tara and Jillian both of you have such grace, thank you for your kind words and faith. A certain car lot manager, thank you for listening to my late night pity parties and reassuring me that things will be ok and that I am worth it. The architect thank you for the late night happy hour giggles, you my friend have taught me how to take chances and go with it. Dave, thank you for being there for me during one of the darkest moments of my life. Sheri, even thou our friendship ended I thank you for all that you did for me. A certain attorney thank you for uttering these words ” it all comes down to a judgment call” that was all I needed to hear and I made the call. I wish you well and may both of our lives be less dramatic. Dr cuzzo thank you for mentoring me and teaching me the law, Cherie thank you for making me the woman I am today and for igniting my nasty little travel habit. Scott even thou we weren’t meant to be, thank you for the happy times you gave to me, I will cherish those times, I just hope you get help for your addiction and illness. Connor, god Connor I wish you were here. You my friend were amazing and beautiful, I’ll never understand why you took your own life. Nylan, my sweet boy know that I will always love you, may god treat you kind. You will always be my son from another mother. Miss Joy my sister from another mother, you give me strength and you are so amazing. To every stranger I’ve come in contact with you have made my life better just by touching it for a brief moment. Friendship is the foundation to life, without friends we would be isolated islands in the sea, waiting for someone to discover our beauty. I am grateful to each and every one of you, thank you for blessing me with your presence, love and faith.

Facing Death: I am no stranger at deaths door. I always thought my kidneys would do me in. Having a blood clot came totally out of left field. I am reminded each and every day that life is a precious gift. I realize that your health is worth more than money. I rather be healthy than the richest woman in the world. Each day is a constant battle and so far I am winning.

Faith: even in my darkest days I never lost hope. If I did god mama was right there with faith in hand. I have to have faith and believe this all happened for a reason. God has a special place for the weary travelers. This road is mine, and mine alone to travel, I have faith that god will bring me a map reading partner one day.

I am ready to close the door on year # 27 and have the knowledge to take on year #28 with grace and strength. Thank you all so much for being apart of my life, I have extreme mad love for all of you. I can truly say my life is blessed because of you. A toast to a less dramatic, highly successful love filled, laughter filled year!

One chapter ends……a new one is left to be written.

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The air is cool and crisp in my tiny uptown apartment, I shiver a little as I put my feet on the floor. Rubbing cullen’s fuzzy little head, grabbing my phone I look at the date it’s October 22nd, 2010. I grab the bottle of baby aspirin, pop one and chase it down with water, looking in my fridge I grab an apple and head out to Calhoun with Cullen. Today is the one year anniversary of my Pulmonary Embolism and infarction. A day to be thankful for, so many doctors have told me I shouldn’t be alive, but here I am. I’m not sure why God chose me to save that day, but he did.

As I walked around the lake the memories of that day started rolling across my mind. I remember driving to work the pain was bare able at first, I just ignored it, and kept on driving. Soon the pain went from annoying to extreme, still I didn’t worry, and kept driving. Then my arm felt numb, it felt like someone was choking me, I could barely breath. I made it to Lexington parkway and decided to head back to wood bury. I do not remember that drive to woodwinds some how by the grace of God I made it. Once there I collapsed in the security guards arms, next thing I knew I came to with a nurse telling me he was going to cut my clothes off. I had wires coming from everywhere and heard the beep beep if the monitors. They were sending me to CT, and there it was a blood clot in my lung blocking the main valve to my heart. I was in serious trouble. They went to work, surgery wasn’t an option, as it may push the clot through my heart and into my brain. I was given a high dose of Heprin via iv, clot busters were injected, pain meds were given at my command, and I would be staying for a while. This would mark the first day of the worst year of my life. God he really through me for a loop this year. Yet I am thankful that it happened because with out the pain, I would have never of danced.

One would think having your wife almost die on you would strengthen your marriage. In away it did, yet Scott wouldn’t give up his “life style” for me. He never learned to cherish me and the time we had. He finally decided that we should have a baby, yup he decided it was time, when the clot was gone from my lung, we would start trying. We found out after Christmas that the clot had dissolved and started trying for a little bear if our own.

In April we found out we were expecting, I was over joyed and thought this was my calm after the storm. Yet this was another storm that I would weather with strength and grace, little bear died in May. I had created life, yet god took it away. This took some soul searching on my part. I blamed myself for the longest time, I thought I wasn’t good enough or fit enough to be a mom in gods eyes. Yet one day it dawned on me, there was nothing I could do to prevent it, I can’t change it, and nothing no matter how much I prayed and wished would bring little bear back. I am still a mom, my baby is just in heaven and one day I’ll see him.

Blood clots, child loss what else could god chuck at me. I had a few car accidents and the prius got broken into. I felt like this cloud was hovering over me, that god had a personal vendetta against me. I thought I was on his official “shit list” because bad stuff kept on occurring. On top of this bad luck my marriage was fading, I was in love with a man who would never love me or want me. Some would tell you my marriage was over before we said I do.

I met a new friend and we were talking one night, he was telling me about his failed marriage and that it went on and on because no one wanted to make the call. He looked at me and said “it all comes down to a judgement call” that’s all I needed to hear. A week later I walked out of my marriage and never looked back. It was hard at first but with each passing day it gets easier.

So in the summer I closed the door on my marriage and ended a friendship. I am glad that I ended both, without doing so I wouldn’t be the woman that I am today. I have reveled in my new found independence, traveled, and got a new dog. Constant chest pain reminds me that this life is a gift worth living.

With the fall came change, I walked away from a job I hated and never looked back. It’s funny every time I face a decision I think of what he said ” it all comes down to a judgement call”, who is gonna call it first. I’ve decided to finish what I started and head to law school. Hey some people buy hummers, others take trips to celebrate their new found freedom after divorce, and well I am applying to law school.

So today closes the door on the worst yet most amazing year of my life. I pray that the next year is filled with blessings and a ton of good luck. No bad thing allowed. I am a survivor, a survivor of a pulmonary embolism with infarction, a mama to a baby in heaven, and a young divorce. I am closing this chapter toasting it with a glass of wine and never looking back, as I have a new chapter to write.

Just a stone along the path

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Bless the broken road that lead me to you. You are just a stepping stone along my path, I’ve pocketed the lessons, and tucked away the memories of you. My mom was right she told me not to marry a man that would throw away my dreams and stash me at the bottom of the list. For five years I felt empty, like a failure, because I ditched my own dreams for you, you promised me something better. That something better never came, you just brought me pain and misery.

So now Im left to travel my broken road, you are tucked safely in the past, the mission is clear, the triumph is near. I am going to take my dreams out of the boxes and see them through to the end. Just like a gardner nourishes his tiny seeds until a beautiful flower blooms. I am the gardener of my destiny sewing the seeds of my tomorrows.

The only thing that stands between me and my dreams is a nasty little thing called the LSAT. Strangely I will be taking the test on the day I was suppose to give birth to little bear on December 11th. I think I will take that as a good sign. A sign of hope for a brighter future where all of my dreams are realized.

I learned a valuable lesson: Never give up your dreams for a man, because in the end he will never be worth it.

Loneliness closes in like the darkness over takes a room

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There are days where I long to hear the laughter of a child and the crazy barking of my three amazing dogs. Days where I wish I would step on a Lego trip over a transformer all while yelling at Nylan to clean his room or eat his dinner. Days where I miss coming home to a smiling child and a somewhat loving husband. But then I remember that is in the past and I need to move on.

I come home each day to a quite uptown apartment where my muppet like dog eagerly greets me. He doest bark, he just runs around in silent excitement that his mama is home. It’s funny my schedule use to revole around a six year old, a home, and my husband. Now it’s just me, me and Cullen. I no longer have to beg a kid to go to the store with me, worry about dinner or if everyone has clean clothes to wear. I guess this is life after motherhood.

I spent five years of my life being a wife to Scott and a mother to my step son. I’ve had to learn how to be alone, to be single, and exsist. I’ve lost friends mostly married ones, gone are my days of play dates and mommy’s night out. Those are long gone. I am grateful for the friends who have stayed and the new ones i’ve made, they’ve taught me it’s ok to feel lonely at times.

Loneliness creeps in like darkness taking over a room. There are moments where I wish I had someone around. Days where I wake up freezing and roll over realizing I only have my fuzzy dog to keep me warm. I miss the snuggles and late night giggles. The inside jokes that only your spouse understands. But then I remember why I left and feel determined to move forward to find my new mr man. Right now I kind of like being a little lonely, it reminds me to keep my heart open for some day love will fill the room instead of the darkness. Because in the end love conquers all!