{Life Lessons} So close to motherhood, yet so far away

Posted on July 9, 2015 by NinjaInTheCity

On Mother’s day I got the bright blue positive that we all hope and pray for. That little plastic test proved that my body still worked and that I was still worthy of motherhood. Little did I know, this to would be a test and I would once again have to face loss. Fate she can be kind, yet without warning she can churn the seas. At the end of May Jay and I found out that a gestational sac had developed yet it had nothing inside. There was no heart beat, no yolk, and simply no sign of life. It was not meant to be ours.

Someone else needed a baby more than Jay and I did. This, this just wasn’t our time and as Jay put it “Babes it just wasn’t CoraLeigh in there.” Yes, we secretly wanted a girl. June proved to be a test, losing a pregnancy isn’t easy and it put a strain on our relationship. Words were said, tears shed, yet we came out of it more in love than ever. My body didn’t want to let go of our little sac that couldn’t, so a D&C was scheduled and I began to pray. Pray because the last time I had one, it didn’t end so well and it left me with more scars than healthy tissue.

I picked out the expert, we talked through the procedure and he promised that he was going to do it right. On Monday I went under and he did it right. To my surprise as well as his, my uterus had hardly any scar tissue and the tare in the uterus healed perfectly. My chances of having a healthy pregnancy are as high as they can be for a pulmonary embolism/stroke survivor. I have a feeling that my third time and Jay’s second time will be the charm. I am not going to give up on motherhood just yet, this this is a dream I have always wanted.

Sometimes I look at pregnant women and think to myself “you are so darn lucky.” Most women have no idea the struggles a pulmonary embolism/stroke survivor faces in pregnancy. My world is complicated and most of us are told “no more babies.” I took that statement as a challenge and lord willing one day I will hold a baby of my own. Someone has to go first and tread the waters so others can follow. Right now medical science knows so little about hormone induced blood clots and heart issues, I think it’s time to change it. More research needs to be done and when that happens more women just like me will be able to carry babies of their own.

For now I will settle for the knowledge that my body still and does work. I am blessed to have two children in heaven, my son Lucia and a baby we never got to know. I’d like to believe that this was a test, a nudge from God to let me know I am still capable of carrying a child. The little empty sac will always be apart of me and I will always wonder who it would have been. I have no doubt that my turn is coming and that Jay and I will get to one day share a super cute baby announcement with all of you.

{NuvaRing} Living In A Beautiful Disaster

Posted on April 23, 2015 by NinjaInTheCity

Ladies, from my heart to yours I can tell you that no amount of money is ever going to make us whole, it will not undo the harm, and it will not turn back time. I never went into this lawsuit for the money, I I wanted to make a difference and I did. I wanted to stand up for myself and to make sure that no other woman had to endure my fate.

I had a massive pulmonary embolism with infarction and because of that I can no longer have children. I used the nuva ring because it was suppose to reset my cycle and I would hopefully then get pregnant. I wanted a baby more than anything in this world, instead I got handed a blood clot.

We thought the nuva ring took away my fertility, on April 1st 2010 I found out I was pregnant. Not just a few weeks but a whole lot a pregnant. Somehow in the chaos of INR checks, scans, and injections a child was made. It wasn’t ideal, yet the timing was perfect. My son was the silver lining to a shitty ordeal.

God he had other plans, I celebrated Mother’s Day with a swollen belly only to find out that Lucia’s light was no more. On May 12, 2010 Alucious Gregory Beaulieu Cohen was born sleeping. My daddy planted a birch tree in Lucia’s honor, at its base is a plaque that reads “Where there is love, there is life.”

Tucked into the pages of my Bible is a card from United Hospital, on it are my son’s tiny little foot and hand prints, Lucia is always with me, no foot is to small to make an impact on this world. You see it doesn’t matter how many dollars are placed in my hand it will not bring my son back nor will it change the fact that I will never look my own flesh and blood in the face.

So please find it in your hearts to be at peace with this, Merck technically under the law doesn’t have to give us a dime, hell they don’t even have to admit wrong doing and they can continue on as business as usual. Be happy that you are getting a few pennies, because a few is better than nothing.

Be greatful that you are six feet above ground, be thankful that you greet the sun each morning, and never forget those women who would die to take your place.

This is my 6th borrowed year on earth and I am greatful that in those six years I became a mama, got a divorce, found myself, adopted a rescue pup, held my niece, found the perfect job, fell in love, and in July I will welcome my nephew Jack into this world. I made a life out of a beautiful disaster.

My story could be different, On October 22, 2009 I had my massive PE with infarction when I was 26 years old, I was 5 days shy of my 27th birthday, and if I didn’t get to the ER when I did my Parents would have been picking out my urn instead of my 27th Halloween themed birthday cake. I got the best gift that year, I got life! I got to live!

And I refuse to be angry at Merck, there is no place for anger in a survivors heart. I am living in the moment and taking in every sweet sweet drop of borrowed time. Memories are what I am making and I am living without looking back. Life is a Beautiful disaster and I will ride it until the last grain of sand falls.

{Heart Walk} Family Is Why I Walk

Posted on April 20, 2015 by NinjaInTheCity

Will you join us in the fight against heart disease? My father survived congestive heart failure when he was 50 and at 26 I had a stroke, at 31 I found out I was destined to follow in his footsteps.

My stroke was a fluke, but my risk of developing congestive heart failure was always in the cards. Research saved our lives and it will continue to do so. Research will make my healthy tomorrow possible.

All of us deserve a tomorrow.

Please give what you can and come walk with us on Saturday April 25th at Target field. Together we can end heart disease.

Twin Cities Heart Walk 2015

{Heart Walk} Being an Auntie Is Why I Walk

Posted on April 20, 2015 by NinjaInTheCity

Every day little girls are born into families where there Auntie lost her life to a Stroke or Pulmonary Embolism. They are growing up in a world where they only know her through stories and photos. They go their entire life without her, longing for the Auntie that was taken away all to soon.

This would have been Sophia’s world, but because of research my life was saved. Because people just like you are donating to the cause, research is funded and women like me get to walk away. We get to walk away on borrowed time, hold our nieces, and make memories with our families.

I am greatful for this life I get to lead. For this little girl, and the memories I create with her. One day she will realize just how hard her Auntie fights for her healthy tomorrow.

So please join us in this fight, together we can make a stand, together we can WIN this war. Join us at the Twin Cities Heart Walk on Saturday April 25, 2015.

Twin Cities Heart Walk 2015

Life is why

{Giving Back} WhipStaff Ranch & Rescue

Posted on February 24, 2015 by NinjaInTheCity

“Whoever said a dog can’t be a best friend, never owned a dog”

Words cannot begin to describe the love that I have for the ladies behind the rescue. I have adopted two dogs from WhipStaff Ranch & Rescue. Freckles an English Pointer lives with my Ex-husband and Cullen a Cocker Doodle is my trusty little sidekick. Freckles and Cullen were both very shy dogs, they just need a little love to help them break out of their shells.

Freckles lived on the ranch for almost a year. WhipStaff lets the animals stay on the ranch until they find a forever home, there is no ticking clock or end date. No animal is turned away, no matter the shape or size they find a place for them on the ranch.

Cullen was rescued from a puppy mill and he was in rough shape. Where most saw a lost cause WhipStaff saw hope and turned him into a mighty little dog. In August 2010 I emailed the ranch asking if they had a dog for me to adopt. I eagerly awaited a reply and by night fall they responded with “we have the perfect dog for you.” Sight unseen I made the 6.5 hour drive to the ranch and I’ve never looked back. I had a scared nervous muppet like dog at my side. Cullen has helped me in more ways than I can count. This little dog has provided me with endless amounts of laughter, fashion advice, and mostly he listens.

I set out to rescue a dog, but in the end it was me who got rescued. One little throwaway dog changed my life and I am forever grateful to WhipStaff Ranch & Rescue.

Whipstaff Ranch & Rescue is raising money to build an all new dog shelter for the rescue! Funds will be going towards materials and supplies to rebuild the outdoor enclosures and to build a new indoor shelter for the dogs. We also hope to rebuild some of the fencing for the horses if we are able.

For $20.00 (that’s the cost of 4 medium berry white mochas at caribou) you can help WhipStaff and get a really cool t-shirt. Just click the link under the photo and donate to this amazing rescue!

WhipStaff Ranch & Rescue Spring Cleanup Fundraiser

Whipstaff Ranch & Rescue is a 501c3 Non Profit all-species animal rescue group located in Solway MN that is dedicated to stopping animal abuse. We offer safe sanctuary to abused, neglected and unwanted animals of all species. We are hoping to get a fresh start in 2015 with a new look and some badly needed upgrades! We rely on your support to continue our mission!

{Divorced Life Dating} Fish and Valentines

Posted on February 14, 2015 by NinjaInTheCity

Friends are quick to offer hugs, Kleenex lay hidden in their pockets just in case I burst, and people tread lightly around the name Charlie. Part of me wonders where the past three years have gone and part of my wonders “How did you find the strength to move on?” Three years is just a fraction in time, but time it stopped on Valentine’s Day. It stopped the moment Charlie became the fifth car in a nine car pile up, it stopped the moment he became the fourth person to die from their injuries. That day was the worst day and the days leading up to February 16, 2012 were the slowest days of my life.

I hung on to every second, every minute, and prayed with all of my heart. That day God failed me and I had to face a life without love. The moment Charlie died, my heart it broke in more ways than I can possibly describe and I lost my faith in the world. My hopes of a country chic wedding with a twist of elegance and a beautiful life were dashed. One person, one person’s decision took the wind out of my sails.I only got to love Charlie for a fraction of my life and he, he loved me until the last breath he took.

A part of me believes that he knew that he would only be a dot on my time line. He Gave me his heart, he peeled back the layers, calmed my fears, and with his love he mended the scars. One man took the time to heal my heart and with that he restored my ability to love. Without Charlie I would still be a semi bitter divorcee. A small piece of my heart will always be for that man. Charlie taught me what love was truly like, he loved every inch of my gloriously flawed self. My heart it needed to heal and in my heart of heart’s I know Charlie would want me to fall, to fall the way I fell for him.

I have fallen, fallen for someone who truly gets my cup of tea. Yes me, little old curly haired me has found love. Honestly, it kind of just jumped out of no where and bit me in the ass. I have no doubt that someone above pushed and pushed until I stepped out of my comfort zone and took a chance. Tomorrow is about spending the day with an amazing man. A man whose eyes light up when I walk into a room, who calls me beautiful when I’m a mess, and who tells me “you are the best woman ever.” Jay makes me smile until my cheeks hurt, a feeling that I haven’t felt in years, he makes me laugh until I am in tears, and his loving eyes never leave mine. This, this thing that I have is something I dreamed of and waited for. Something I lost three Valentines ago and now I finally have it back.

I have this intense desire to make this the best Valentine’s Day ever and I cannot wait to spend the evening with Jay. I bought what I hope is the perfect gift and I have decided to indulge our inner toddler by buying tickets to the MOA’s Sea Life Adventure. Ya know, because in my mind there is nothing better on Valentine’s day than Love, Fish, and watching movies with the muppet like dog.

{Road Tripping} Chicago Illinois

Posted on January 24, 2015 by NinjaInTheCity

When you own a Prius, it just screams “TAKE ME ON A ROAD TRIP WOMAN!!! I AM GREAT ON GAS!!” Well, one can’t argue with a Prius. So if you can’t beat em, ya mise well join em. Plus not to mention gas is pretty darn cheap right now, so we decided to hit the road. The boyfriend got one heck of a deal on a hotel room in Chicago and I found a bunch of Groupons that were to good to pass up.

Armed with many Groupons and our hotel reservation confirmation email, we dropped the muppet like dog off at Grandma’s and hit the open road. It is exactly six hours to Chicago from my parents house, we settled into the drive. Playing the “lets find religion on the radio game.” We found it eight times, well I found it eight times, as Jay slept for most of the way. He missed all of the really boring landscapes, billboards, and crazy I94 drivers. Don’t worry folks, he woke up just in time for the greatest time suck in the world aka Wisconsin Dells. More particularly Cracker Barrel, there darn shop gets me every time. Sell me an $8 breakfast and I will turn around and spend 50 bucks in your shop.

With food in our bellies and a new ceramic bird lamp in tow, we hit the open road. This time Jay was driving and I got to play co-pilot! Which is actually really strange for me because A. I never let anyone but my mama drive my Prius and that’s only if she asks nicely and B. I am always the one doing the driving. But alas I decided it was best to loosen my grip on the wheel and let Jay wear the pants. As you can tell I am alive, so yes he did a very good job driving the Prius.

I was super excited to be in Chicago with Jay, more so I was excited to show him my spots. Some of those spots are like a right of passage. Hello! Weber Grill Restaurant, Super Dawg Drive In, and Gino’s East. Not to mention I did drag Jay to the hood to buy Garrets popcorn. He was a good spot and served as my navigator. I locked the doors when our surroundings turned into sketchy territory.

Speaking of territory, we were looking forward to using the hotel hot tub. Well that was until we walked in only to find a very nice couple having sex in it. Yup, they were doing it in the hotel hot tub. I had to mention it in this post, because that image is forever burned in my pretty little head. You have a visual now and you are so welcome.

Welcome to the Chicago History Museum. I managed to snag a buy two for the price of one Groupon for the museum. The Chicago History Museum is self explanatory, its the history of Chicago. The museum is pretty fun, Jay and I had a riot in the kids discovery zone. I even became a Chicago dog, rode a very tall bike and jumped from spot to spot in a discovery game. The kids zone was losing its luster and my tummy was yelling “feed me deep dish pizza!” With that we said goodbye to the museum and headed out for deep dish.

Gino’s East is a Chicago institution and it never disappoints. Groupon once again proved to be my friend. Right now you can pay $16.00 for $30.00 worth of food at Gino’s. Folks, that is a $14 savings. We had no problem using our groupon and ordered the large meat deep dish. It was so good! Jay and I could barely eat two slices. Thank goodness for pizza boxes and hotel refrigerators, cause we had half a pizza to take home with us.

Gosh Darn Sunday came to soon, snow started to fall as we rolled out of Chicago. Home, was our destination and since we left early we had time to stop in The Dells. Its so weird being in The Dells during the winter, I am use to the summer buzz and thousands of people. Luckily a few of the stores on the strip were open and I was able to procured gummies and a toy for Sophia. I introduced Jay to Mac’s Memphis Mac and Cheese, we split the large. It was amazing as always.

When we got to Grandma’s house one very excited muppet like dog was extremely excited to see his mama. Muppet like dog hugs are the best little hugs and I was glad to see him too. Truth, I would totally do a million road trips with Jay, he wasn’t annoying, he was a good sport, and darn right fun to be around. I love that man and I am looking forward to what this life has to offer us.

{Hearts On 22} Scales Are For The Birds

Posted on January 22, 2015 by NinjaInTheCity

I have never been one to follow the crowd or listen to critics. I rather stay in the woods and join the teddy bear picnic. Society tells me I am fat and that I should change. Change, means losing weight and striving to be there kind of beautiful.

There kind of beautiful is not my kind of beautiful. I’m not exactly fat, some call me fit. Others, well they just call me fluffy. Society wants me to be ashamed of my tits, my hips, my stomach, my ass, and my curves that go on for days. Once I was ashamed, I strived and I tried to be skinny. But, skinny wasn’t me, we didn’t work out and I put my size 14 jeans back on.

My size 14 ass has seen a lot of shit. When I look in the mirror I see curves with a dash of strength and a twist of determination. My body, she is powerful and she is amazing. She has never let me down. She beat the odds to walk another day. Scars are stories that left an imprint on your soul. My scars, shit I’ve got more than I can count. The newest one is a really cool neck scar and it is a reminder to always fight for answers.

Answers never come easy and sometimes you kind of wish you stayed in the woods. People stare at my scar, they look me up and down when they find out I had a stroke and lord they hit the floor when they find out I have a son in heaven. We are never told that sometime the fairytale sucks and that shit gets deep. Life isn’t fair and we are never prepared for the short deck. Yet we must always play the hand we are dealt and love the only body we will ever have.

My body is beautiful. Beautiful because it carries my surviving heart from place to place. I will never be a model, a hottie or hell even a heartthrob. I am simple and unexpected, and someone out there cannot get enough of my kind of beautiful.

Rock what the good lord gave you, put down that diet book, throw out your scale, and girl start loving yourself! Strength and determination are fucking sexy and they look good on YOU! Girl, you are not a bird, stop eating like one and enjoy food. As in really enjoy your life and have a little fun along the way. Kiss a stranger, dance in the rain, be daring, and never ever give up on your sweet self!

{Go Red} The Story of A Woman’s Heart Is Why

Posted on January 9, 2015 by NinjaInTheCity

When people find out that I had a stroke, they look at me like I have an infinite amount of wisdom. Wisdom,
Ha I am only 32 years wise and there are things I will never begin to understand. I, I am just a small town girl who had a stroke and some how I get to do big things.

If you would have told me five years ago that I would get to participate in a photo shoot and a PSA commercial to raise awareness of heart disease and stroke in women. I would of probably giggled and said “you’re nuts!” But here I am, it’s been five years and I am thriving. Brave doesn’t describe it, I am baring my soul for the public good. I am putting a face to a horrible experience.

Yet on the same coin, I am raising awareness that strokes can and do happen to perfectly healthy young women. That birth control has and does cause serious life altering side effects. I am raising awareness that, before the affordable care act, young women like me couldn’t afford health insurance. We put off going to the doctor because it was expensive. Now I truly can put my health and mostly my heart first.

I love with all of my surviving heart and I do not back down from challenges. Because I, I survived the worst day possible. I am more than a stroke, I am more than the collateral damage Merck accounted for, I am more than a survivor, I am a woman with a vibrant heart. I am first and for most a mother to my son in heaven and a mama to a Muppet like dog. I am an Aunt, a Daughter, a Sister, a Friend, and a Girlfriend. I am many things and I play many roles, yet survivor is one that I will never give up.

I am proof that every horrible situation has a silver lining. Six months after my Stroke I found out I was pregnant with my son. My heart was full and I felt vindicated. That somehow God still believed in me and that good still existed in this world. Even thou Lucia never took a breath, he is my greatest joy. He is the reason I do what I do and I want him to be proud of his Mama on earth.

My P.E./Stroke and death of my son were not the end of my horrible bad days. They were just the beginning and those moments of utter disaster gave me the strength I needed to put myself first and walk out of a loveless marriage. Eight months after I had my pulmonary embolism and stroke I filed for divorce. Surviving taught me to listen to my heart and to put myself first. A woman’s heart will never steer her wrong.

It’s been almost five years since my divorce was finalized and I have never looked back. I had to come into my own and figure out who I was. Surviving is only half the battle. One cannot simply just survive, they need to thrive. Once you start to thrive, you start living again. I rented my very first apartment, adopted a dog, changed jobs, found myself, and started dating. I’ve had my moments where I swore to myself that I would be single forever, only to be swept of my feet. Love it eluded me, but I finally caught it with my butter fly net! Its an amazing feeling to be in love with a man who loves every inch of my surviving heart!

I own everything that has happened to me. This is the story of my heart and I would not trade it for anything in this world. It’s mine, I have loved every moment of this beautiful disaster that I call “my life.”

But mostly, I have spent the past five years encouraging women to be their best health care advocate. Encouraging women to be brave, to go against the grain, and mostly to fight for themselves. The moment we give up and give in, is the moment we lose hope. No woman deserves to fight alone, all of us are in this together until the bitter end.

{Divorced Life} Emotions In My Pocket

Posted on November 4, 2014 by NinjaInTheCity

The above quote has kept me going on my toughest days. At the end of the day we are all just little nuts trying to hold our ground. What we do with that ground is what matters. What matters is that we hold steady in the winds of change and stay true to who we are when the storms end.

My life has been anything but easy and there are moments where I look up and say “why me?” I didn’t choose this life, it chose me. I am the human Bermuda Triangle and I always brace myself for hurricanes. I have built up walls to hide the hurt and to keep people out. My heart it’s been broken and patched a time or two. I am afraid that if I put it out there it will get sucked right back into the triangle.

Survivor, that’s a term I hear over and over again. I want to be more than a survivor. I want to be more than a grieving mother, friend and fiancé. I want to be more than broken. Broken is what people see when they look at me. I am strong and mighty on the outside, but on the inside its a different story. I live with one foot in the now and one in the past. Emotions, I am not good at dealing with them. I tuck them in my back pocket and march on.

I cannot out run my emotions, or the heart ache, or the fact that I survived, and definitely not my past. In order to move on I need to face the very things that made me who I am. I need to embrace the very things that terrify me and to realize that I too am human. I, I need to face my shit and deal with my neatly pocketed emotions.

When I deal with the past, face the ugly, and own my shit I will be able to face myself. I want to have healthy long lasting relationships. I want to actually connect with a man on a deep you know all my secrets kind of level, and to stop pushing my dearest friends away when I feel they are to close.

Year 32 is going to be the year of been there, done that, and I owned my shit. It’s not going to be easy, yet I am not scared. My family and friends are cheering me on and all of them think owning my shit is a good idea.

After all in five short years I had a stroke, lost a child, got a divorce, lost friends, fell in love, lost my fiancé, got sick, and yea the list goes on………. It’s time to face all of those things and to deal with the emotions of the past. I am finally ready to face what’s in my back pocket and mostly I am ready to face myself.

Have Bear Will Travel

She had to break, so I could shine

Category Archives: love