Category Archives: Travel

{29} Happy Birthday!

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Me and My Mama at my Birthday Lunch


Wow I can’t believe that I am one year closer to 30. I guess when you have all ready been through a life time of shit it means everything is down hill from here. I may only be 29, however I have lived a life that dreams are made of. Sorrow reminds me that I am human. Each night I ask God to keep my son Alucious close and to make sure Nylan turns out all right. I’ve been a wife, a mother, a best friend, a sister, a paralegal, an advocate, a lobbyist, and now I get to be an auntie to Sophia.

Survivor is a label I wear proudly. I tirelessly advocate for heart health, stroke symptom awareness, and healthy kids. There is one thing I’ve learned : I would trade all of my money in a heart beat if it meant I could have my health back. Money can buy me things that will make me happy. However it cannot buy my health. Wealth is no fun when you do not have health on your side. So take it from me. Take care of yourself. You only have one body, one heart, and in the end money will mean nothing. But your health will mean everything.

I’ve struggled with the fact that my health will never be the same and that this is the body I have to grow old with. My body has brought me to some pretty darn amazing places over the past year. It has brought me to DC, the gulf coast, NYC, and countless other locations. It has allowed me to share my story and save lives. Life is the ultimate gift and I am so very glad God has granted me with one more year upon this earth.

It is my hope that the next year is filled with goodness and big amazing things. If I dare to dream then I can dare live a big meaningful life. People try to knock me down, rip my reputation apart, and spread the words of incapable across the firm. That alone gives me strength to prove that I am 1. a bigger person, 2. a professional, and 3. I will out shine the {redacted}. I have something he will never have and that is class. One can’t lie their way into class. They can only fumble when their lies start to unravel and unravel they will. I may not be there to see it. Yet I will smile silently at his blunder and step over him on my way to the top. The only place I am going is up.

Up. Thats where I am headed. I’ve got two jobs that I love. One requires more effort than the other. A speaking schedule that can’t be beat, a book deal on the table, and well my lawyer tells me we are winning. I’d say that’s some pretty darn awesome sauce. Not to mention this here blog isn’t doing to shabby either. People like to read about my antics, dating blunders, cry with me, and say fuck it. I swear online as I swear in real life. I am nothing but myself and I am human. Humans swear and they like it too!

Fuck it. I am in a relationship with myself. I have no time for dating. I want to but I have no life outside of work. It’s bad my friends have to remind me that we have dinner dates and nights of ninja antics. My goal for year 29 is to work a little less and have what you regular folks call a social life. A social life sounds interesting and wow taking trips for fun sounds like a gosh darn good plan. Who knows maybe there is a man out there who is brave enough to step into my world and take me on. I’m not holding my breath. Thats why I have the muppet to keep me company.

So Ninjas a toast! Goodbye 28 and Hello 29. May year 29 be filled with good friends, endless opportunity, laughter, adventure, and mostly love. Thank you so much for being a part of my life. Each and every one of you means the world to me. Know that I care about you and love you more than you will ever know. Ninjas for ever. May we go down kung fu fighting!

Table For One

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Tonight while having dinner alone at The News Room I over heard a woman say to her husband “Oh that poor thing her date must have stood her up.” It took everything I had in me not to go over and whisper in her ear “I am eating alone on purpose.” I decided to play nice and went about my typing and current google chat. This is my normal dinner alone or actually doing most things on my own. My muppet like dog can’t go everywhere with me, thus I dine alone.

As I gazed across the restaurant I quickly noticed that I was the only one sitting alone. Tucked back into my usual corner. The staff they know me and my drink of choice by name. They call this corner AJ’s usual spot and act alarmed when it’s not available. Maybe one day I will share my little tucked away corner with someone. Today, I am fine with just myself and netbook. From here I watch first dates unravel, fights happen, and look at couples whose flame long ago extinguished. In truth I feel for each one of them. I know what its like to have the first date gitters, feeling the calm in a familiar smile, and looking into someone’s eyes and thinking “where did I go wrong?”

Those are all feelings in a relationship. In most the gitters melt into a familiar calm and from that calm a relationship blossoms. Blossoms are something I am short of these days. It seems that Google has done me in and turned most of the potential away. I often forget that when I am googled my twitter, Facebook, and this very blog appears. Have Bear Will Travel has become a weeder of sorts. Weeding out the ones who are too afraid to dance and keeping the hope alive in the ones who dare to look beyond the blog.

For the ones who dare to look beyond the blog realize that I am online as I am in real life. I hide nothing and am to honest for my own good. This is probably why I end up being friends with the men I date. In me they find comfort knowing ‘hey she’s been through a lot of shit and came out standing.” I am reminded that I cannot revel in the sun unless I walk through the crap. They go hand in hand.

Hand in hand is where I’d like to find myself one day. One can’t be a ninja without a trusty sidekick. Gumby had Pokie, Batman with Robin, and well the Ninja Turtles had each other. I’m not asking for a 10, a 9 or 8 will do just fine. Life isn’t about looks or what you have. It’s about living with passion and letting your heart burst wide open. It’s ok to feel nervous and to be hurt. These feelings of hurt and nerves remind us that we are human. They allow us to live without question and to feel for others. When you can relate to someone and understand their pain, then you my friend have truly lived.

These are the things I contemplate when I dine alone. Of what would I do when Mr Perfect is sitting across from me. Would he put up with my busy paralegal day job and crazy lobbyist night job. Would he have the same passion towards sustainable agriculture, the law, NINJAS, and the charities I advocate for. Would he lay with me on the floor of Trinity temple and bask in Frank Lloyd Wrights wonderous creation? Would he skip through the streets of Paris and marvel at the relics of egypt with me? Questions, I wonders, and what ifs swirl in my head as I take a sip of my wine. The only way I know of solving my quandaries is by chucking myself out there and looking for my 9 or 8, because well a 10 simply won’t do. 10’s are too full of themselves. I am not for the 10s, so bring on the 9s and 8s.

Mainly I just need a 9 or an 8 who understands that even thou I have gone through some tough shit it does not define my future. True I am a pulmonary embolism survivor and a young divorcee. For some reason DIVORCE is a turn off to men. I always say if you really knew about my marriage, you’d understand why I walked away. Just because I am a divorcee does not mean I am undatable. Hell I forget I have an ex husband half the time and even I find it weird uttering the worlds “Yea I am divorced.” Divorce happens we move on from it and get even on Tuesdays.

I am normal. Bags yea I’ve got a few and yup I am a ninja to my core. So maybe the next time you see a young woman sitting alone don’t assume she was stood up. Assume that she is dining alone by choice and writing an article that will change the world. Maybe one day she will have someone who understands her entire being sitting across from her and she will smile. For now she smiles as her friends and giggles out loud at her google chat dreaming of the what ifs. I like options and what ifs, they give me hope.

{Reflection} From a Bed That Isn’t Mine

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I am nestled into a bed that isn’t mine tonight and my dress, well I hope it shows up. If you had told me a year ago I’d be in Biloxi spreading the message of hope, strength, and compassion I would have just laughed. Here I am and I wouldn’t trade this weekend for the world.

Its amazing where our lives take us and how much our words matter. I have always been a firm believer in speaking the truth and using that truth to empower others. The truth and speaking it is part of who I am. Sharing my story and encouraging women has become part of my journey. I realize now that a lot of newly divorced women come here looking for support and to read my blunders. Theres been quite a few and I am lucky to be apart of their journey. The journey of finding themselves again.

Some may say I am a failure married at 25 and divorced at 28. I am not a failure. One knows when there is nothing left to fight for and when to walk away. It was easy to walk away from Scott, but it hurt like hell to walk away from his beautiful 6-year-old son Nylan. I love that kid and I always will. After all this blog is for Nylan. He will always be my first child (from another mother) and I am greatful that I got to be his mom for five beautiful years.

What got me through the hard times was faith. People tell me “I wish I had your faith. You just never seem concerned. How can you leave it up to chance?” Growing up my father always told me this “if all else fails….pray.” I figure God has kept me on this planet for a reason. Lord knows he’s tried to knock me of it more than once. I think I am working on my 3rd life or something along those lines. For me bouncing back is the best part. I’ve done a lot of looking back over the past year. My second stroke anniversary is just around the corner and so is unfortunately my 29th birthday.

Looking back has allowed me to examine my failed marriage. To really look at it from a different perspective. A year ago I was so hurt and bitter that I couldn’t look with clear eyes. However time does heal all wounds and allows you to remember. Remembering that the signs were written on the wall the entire time. Realizing that my x husband is mentally ill and that there was nothing I did wrong. I harbored anger that didn’t allow me to move forward. Anger not because he cheated on me with every woman on craigs list. Anger because he abandoned me when our son died. No one should have to walk through the death of a child alone. He has told me that is his one regret. Not being man enough to get on that plane and be with me.

In truth he was never man enough. Man enough to admit his wrongs and to right the course. Yes $5,000.00 bracelets, trips, and shopping sprees are nice. But they didn’t erase the pain that I felt when I found his email wide open. Open with lies and that the driver’s seat was moved in the Prius each morning. Here I thought he was playing world of warcraft all night long. Turns out Scott was warming someone elses bed and leaving me at home alone. People say “You had everything. You were such a great couple.” Never take something at face value. Peal the layers back and you would have seen a marriage that was broken before it even started.

On the day I found out my uterine cancer was in remission I sent the ex husband an email. Finding the strength within myself to forgive him. I no longer want to be apart of him and in order to break away I had to forgive. Forgiving my ex husband was the last piece to the equation of getting myself back.

Forgiving him allowed me to be at peace with everything. I do not regret that my marriage happened and wouldn’t trade the years with Nylan. Just it wasn’t meant to be. We live, learn a little, and then we get even on Tuesdays.

Learning is what I am doing now. Putting one foot in front of the other and standing on my own. Somedays it lonely, frustrating when I can’t reach something up high, and I miss those moments in the sun. Being in a relationship is an amazing experience. It’s even better when you are with someone who totally gets you. I can say I have been in love 3 times in my life. One I divorced, One moved on, and the other took his life last summer. Not many people can say they have found love even once. I am counting myself lucky. With each relationship I have discovered new parts of myself and because of them I am on hell of a woman.

Those three men made me the woman I am today. I am greatful for the time I got with them. Because without the boys and their love, my heart would never have burst wide open. An we all know that when you believe deeply your heart is set on fire with hope. Then and only then will it burst wide open and create such a light that it will empower you to change the world.

I lobby So You Don’t Have To Worry

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I never pictured myself as a lobbyist. To me a lobbyist was some old big money man making deals with congress in a back alley. That alley turns out does and doesn’t exist. Every day large companies pay top dollar for lobbyist to head to DC on their behalf. To lobby for things that will make it easier for their company, products, and procedures to succeed. Sometimes money is thrown into the ring to get people to turn a blind eye.

Blind eyes do not provide answers or keep people safe. They hinder our success and keep us from finding the so-called American Dream. I depended on the labeling of the pharmaceutical product I used. It told me only women over 35 were affected by blood clots and stroke. I did my research, the FDA said it was safe and touted it as the best invention in birth control since the pill.

Yea, that little thing called the pill. It was a big deal back in the 1960s and today a pack is found in almost every medicine cabinet. I was like you blind and unaware of how dangerous hormonal contraceptives actually are. It scares me to my core that girls as young as 11 are being prescribed birth control. None of the current studies out on the market look at or even tested the effects in girls that young. Its like driving in the dark without head lights. Labeling is starting to change. Change for the better.

Women like myself are taking DC by storm and demanding stronger warning labels, black boxes, and so forth on hormonal contraceptives. It still amazes me that some companies are still labeling the side effects for women “only over 35.” Come on now, it’s a thing and things do not know age. That magic age of 35 is crap. Tell it to me, wave 35 in front of me and I will tell you “Jesus, I was 26 you idiot. Your product almost killed me and I was under 35.”

After my pulmonary embolism the product I used changed their commercial and print ads to state “all women are it risk for blood clots/ stroke.” Jeeze thanks, that would have been nice to know before hand. This change was reactive and not proactive. We need to see more proactive measures from drug companies and not reactions based on their products failure.

Failures that happen all to often. The FDA has to many backhanded transactions occurring. What really stinks is this: The FDA knew the ring I used was deadly, yet they felt American women were ready for it. So against the warnings they approved it for US consumption. That approval was based on the $ and not on saving women’s lives. To many women have lost their lives because of the ring. To many woman have suffered blood clots, infections, and had their lives for ever changed by it.

My lung is permanently damaged. I will never run again. Trust me I try to it doesn’t work. An now my heart is wonky and it is most likely a result of the PE I suffered in 2009. Thank you big fat drug company, thank you for damaging my lung. I appreciate it. It truly is the best thing to ever happen to me. It was so much fun injecting myself with Lovenox and subjecting myself to twice weekly INR tests. CT scans are a great excuse to get out of work and wow that Angiogram was a blast. It truly was a blast.

A blast is what happens when I travel the country educating women about the dangers and side effects of hormonal contraceptives. Information is powerful and if they know the warning signs of blood clots it will keep them from enduring my fate. A fate that I wouldn’t trade for the world. Yup, it sucks that this happened to me, but now I am a lobbyist. An I will not rest until all hormonal contraceptives receive a black box warning label. I can’t change what happened to me. But I can prevent this from happening to my future daughter, to your daughter, mother, wife, sister, BFF, girlfriend, cousin, and neighbor. This is preventable. We can save lives through education and awareness.

Captain’s Walk Winery ~Green Bay WI

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The folks at Captain’s Walk Winery claim that they take the snobbery out of wine tasting. It’s true they do. As soon as you walk in the door you are greeted with a warm hello and a smile. You are quickly whisked into the tasting room, they explain the history of the winery and go over a list of current wines that are in stock.

Captain’s Walk offers tasting daily of up to seven 1-ounce samples per person for a charge of $3.00. You are allowed to select your wines from what they currently have in stock. If you don’t know where to start just ask the friendly staff and they will happily guide you along.

The winery is located in a pre-civil war era home that has been updated and restored to reflect the beauty of the period. In the tasting room you will notice that there is a window in the floor. Below you will see the barrel room where some of the wines are aged.

I have fallen in love with the wines at Captains walk. So much so that I put in an order every couple of months and have a case shipped to Minneapolis. I have to giggle when the UPS man cards me, but hey its worth it. Their wines range from classic table to the full-bodied. My favorites are the Disappearing Treasure, Captain’s Mistress, 7Seas, Riesling, and The Maiden Voyage. The Maiden Voyage comes in a bottle that is shaped like a clipper ship, it truly is an amazing wine.

Green Bay is just a short day trip away from Minneapolis. So if you ever find yourself in Green Bay make sure you stop in and see the lovely folks at Captains Walk. They will be happy to see you and assist you with all of your wine needs.

Ninja Road Trip

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Wine Tasting with my two lovely Ninja BFFS


Every once in a while you’ve just got to dodge out-of-town. Seeing Miss Joy in Green Bay provided to be the perfect option. It has been about a year since I’ve seen my sister from another reservation. Oh, my have I missed her. Joy always keeps me calm and helps me clear the jumbled mess I call a brain.

I took this trip as a fitting opportunity for Angela my newest ninja BFF to meet my dearest ninja BFF. Lucky for me they got along grand and the weekend was filled with goodness. Joy met us at our hotel and tears began to fall as she threw her arms around me. This woman has provided me with more strength that I could ever imagine. She whispered in my ear “Its gonna be all right Mannie.” Those words melted my soul.

Being in the car can make one hungry, like so hungry you would wrestle an alligator and eat it for dinner hungry. Olive Garden was a wise choice and my watermelon martini hit the right spot. Darn that thing was good, I’d go back just for that cocktail.

Watermelon Martini

After lunch we headed over to Cooks Corner the nations largest (that’s their claim) kitchen store. I only have one reason to go here and no it’s not for the awesome cooking gear. They have amazing fudge, yes fudge more flavours than you could ever try. sherbert was their new flavour and it was amazing. Yum! Yum!
As most of you know I am working as a contract paralegal for one of the large firms in town and I have a little inside joke with a coworker. An the joke just got better at the kitchen store. Two words: Gummy Alligator. I was laughing so hard the clerk must have thought I was nuts or drunk. This was one of the most funniest candies I have ever seen and was the perfect gift for the Sherpa.

So with my fudge, gummy alligator and new kitchen finds we set off for the mall. You must know I took Angela to the mall so she could get a boob job. Its true I did. I got her a bra education session, a proper fitting, and her boobs they are pretty darn perky. Angela is now more confident in herself and her boobs stand at attention. Real friends take their friends to get good bras. It’s true they do.

Captains Walk is also the other reason I decided on Green Bay. I love love this winery and their staff is mighty darn fantastic. Plus they know me by name (yup it’s that bad) and their wines can’t be beat. To be honest out of all of the wineries in America Captains Walk is my hands down favorite. I get sad when I run out of their wine, so sad that I have to place my order online and then get carded by the UPS man. Anyways Joy and I helped Angela pick her wines and made sure she had an awesome time.

Soon it was time for Joy to head into work and we were left without a tour guide. Never fear I have a GPS and got around Green Bay just fine. Dinner at Brett Farves steak house was a bust, Applebees had better fair, booze in a bag is handy and our hotel, well we didn’t get mugged.

Since our night was mugging free and our hazemat suits were tucked away we hit the road. The road to Appleton that is. Yes, a visit with Joy almost always involves two things BBQ and red velvet cake. At Famous Dave’s I explained what was going on, my man troubles, I let the C word fly, and advised that I haven’t felt right in a while. This sent Angela and Joy into a game of twenty questions, both decided a ritual of protection was in order.

Supplies were bought, in the circle I sat, and waited for whatever this was to leave. Leave it did and my bad ninja mojo was gone. Replaced by cold, cold, and more cold. I was totally wearing a fleece on a 90 degree day. The day slipped into night and it was time for Angela and I to head home. The trip was way to short.

Its Time to Hit the Pow Wow Trail

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Honor the Earth Pow Wow

Spring brings a sense of busy to the reservations. Mothers are tightening the final beads on moccasins, sewing the last feather into the head-dress, and the last bit of fringe is being added to the shawl. This is a time of excitement, we work through the week so that we can hit the trail. Pow wows are a social time, a chance to catch up with old friends, and family that you haven’t seen in a while.

As I sit in my chair I get chills as the grand entry begins. The beating of the drum soaks into my heart, the colors take my breath away, and the tears begin to fall. This was the way, the way of our people. Little children run bare foot, parents look on with pride as the youth take up the dances of the past, and the drum calls you to the center. The singers voices drift beyond the pines, young boys look on as the drum beats, women join with a sad cry. This is how we once were.

I try to picture how it use to be. How the old days were and I try to picture my grandma dancing around the drum. The pride that she had for her life for her people. My niece runs up to me and asks “auntie did you see me? I danced just for you.” Thank you Jolie, that was a beautiful dance, I loved it. She looks at me with childhood wonder and a chocolate covered smile. This, this is the life. Not a care in the world, just me, my friends, and the beat of the drum calling us home.

Jolie and I at Honor the Earth

The smell of fry bread drifts through the air, followed by the distinct smell of taco meat. Indian tacos are my crack, I think I eat at least 2 at every Pow Wow. Nina smiles at me, as she knows not to put lettuce on mine. I don’t even have to tell her she knows as soon as I stand in front of her cart. Jolie comes running up to me with a smile on her face and asks quietly “Can I have some?” I always share with Jolie, she snuggled up next to me watching the dancers and stuffing herself with Indian Taco. This, this is what life is about, teaching the next generation. I have to be strong for her and show this little taco eating lady, that she is worth it.

Dancers, Indian tacos, family and friends are how I choose to spend my weekend. My trunk is packed with my Pow Wow chair, my best Pow Wow shades and flip-flops. I am ready to hit the trail, to drive off into the Northland, to the winding reservation roads that lead to the Pow Wow grounds. That is where you will find me nestled in my chair under the arbor with my family at my side. This is the way, this is what life is about.

Infertility = A Broken Dream with Options

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Ever since I can remember I’ve always had this feeling that I would never have my own children. As a little girl I was obsessed with cabbage patch kids and pound puppies because you could adopt them.

After my miscarriage my cycle never returned to normal. In which the doctors told me that it was normal and would take sometime to balance out. In February I had a bunch of test done, an ultra sound, and some other things. The results came back a few weeks later, I never went in to find out. Part of me knew it wasn’t good. So I just put it off.

Put it off until last week, sitting in a waiting room full of new moms glowing with pride and some looked like they were going to burst. I felt a tug and some how knew, that this would never be in my cards. Is it just me or are exam rooms always freezing. The doctor he came in and looked at me with sadness. He said ” I’m Sorry that I have no good news for you today. ” Swallowing hard I looked at him and said “Give it to me straight, no sugar-coating please.” He did just that, he flat-out said “I’m sorry but you will never carry a child.” I could feel the tears welling in my eyes, it took everything in me not to let them fall. The explanations were given, the odds were not in my favor, and the only child I would ever carry is in heaven. I told the doctor “I feel cheated and like someone robbed me of my options.” He just put his hand on my knee and said “You can always adopt or have a surrogate carry for you.” Looking blankly out the window, I told him ” I know, I know.”

My appointment was over, in a matter of 45 minutes my dream was crushed, ripped in two, and stomped on. I felt like the wind was sucked out of me and that I was some how a terrible woman. As I put the prius into drive, the tears they finally came rolling down. All I could think of was running, running far away, that some how it was all a dream. It wasn’t a dream. I did what any woman would. I fixed my make up and went into work, I acted like nothing had changed, yet on the inside I was crushed.

Crushed that this was my new normal. A life without fertility. I mourned, got mad, and then realized there’s a whole world out there waiting. I am not yet at a place in my life where I am ready to adopt or interview surrogates. So I am going to take time for me and finally put myself first. Along with many dreams that I put on hold, a big dream was to join the peace corps. Someone said “your only running away from your infertility, spending 27 months abroad isn’t going to make the problem go away.’ I’m not looking to erase the problem, I have to live with a no good rejected uterus every day, I can’t escape it and it , it can’t escape me.

I let my mind wonder as I walked around Calhoun. Actually wonder to the hmm what would life be like without children place. I could 1. travel a ton, 2. go to law school, pass the bar and become one heck of a lawyer, 3. join the peace corps, 4. I could have a flexible schedule. Then I thought, hmm I am 28 and since my uterus is all ready broken, I have no biological clock to worry about. Maybe when I am 40 I will think about adoption, yup when I am 40 I will maybe adopt. Slowly I am allowing my mind to travel to the life without children place and at first it was scary, but now its a cooling calm.

A calm that I am ok with, truly and honestly I am ok with it. One friend said to me: “Um AmandaJean you’re not datable anymore.” looking puzzled I asked “how the heck is that.” Her response “men like women who can have their babies and well you can’t.” Umm I am pretty sure I can find someone who doesn’t wants kids, can’t have them, or thinks adoption is an option. I am not worried one bit, heck marriage is for the birds, I’ve been down that road once and it didn’t go well. Plus I don’t need a man or a child to define who I am, I am a woman, one heck of a woman and that comforts me.

To My Future Husband

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My Mama loves to tell people this story: When Mannie was about 6 years old she was laying on the kitchen floor reading the comics while I was doing the dishes. She looked up at me and over at her dad and said ” Mom, Dad I pity my future husband.” Um why is that doll. “Well because I am going to be a Bitch when i grow up, not a mean one, a good one.” We didn’t know whether to punish her for swearing or laugh. We laughed and well she is right, she is the good kind, she never backs down from anything and stands up for her self. Or as she says, I let my inner Ninja fly Mom.

To my future Husband:

Please understand that I am not your cookie cutter woman. Please know that I have done more living in 28 years than most people do in 100 years. I am fiercely independent and do not take no for an answer. I am stubborn and set in my ways, I know what I want and how to get it.

Some say I am damaged, that I am a little jaded and jagged around the edges. If we truly live our lives on the fly all of us become a little rough around the edges. Only those who don’t dare, try, or dream sail through with our scuffs. I like my scuffs they make me who I am and I am proud of them. Each one tells a story and those stories make me the woman I am today. They are a part of me and remind me of how far I have come.

Know that God saw something in me, that allowed him to save me. I am often reminded that only 1 out of 6 walks away from a PE. That I am living on my second chance and making each day worth it. I have faith that God has something amazing in store for me. Realize this and you will become a part of my mission. The mission: Is to spread Major Kung Fu around the world and to make it a little better for everyone.

I am caring, loyal, and deeply passionate. I will do anything for anyone. I would lay my life down with out a second thought, give the shirt of my back, and the meal on my plate to someone in need without question. We get back what we put into this world. So I choose to inject the world with kindness, love and passion. That way it will come back to me ten fold, or at least I hope it will.

Know that I have been a mom, to a little boy Named Nylan, I will always be tied to this child. Even thou I am divorced and no longer have legal ties to him, he is and will always be my son. I puffy heart step parents, because they step up to the plate and become the parents no one asked them to be. They just do, I just did. Also Know that I have a child in heaven, that experience alone has made me stronger than I have ever thought possible. He is with me in spirit every day and brings me peace knowing that he is resting with God.

I am a young divorcee and no I did not fail my x husband. He recently told me that I was one heck of a wife. He thanked me for being the mom I didn’t have to be to his son and for taking care of his dogs. He realizes that he failed me and that he crushed my dream of a happy marriage. I still hold on to that dream, the dream of a successful marriage. Divorce has taught me that I don’t have to take mr right now and to wait for Mr. Right. So that is what I am doing waiting for Mr. Right. (you can drop him down anytime god)

The above are the major things you need to know. The minor things are as follows:

Budget: I have no idea what this word means, I have a nasty spending habit, I can afford it so why not. We only live once and hey money doesn’t buy happiness.

Travel: I keep my passport in my purse (I know that’s a stupid place for it) however just having it with me gives me the knowledge that I can ditch this country at my whim. I’ve traveled the globe and conquered its sites, leaving me with wonder and joy.

Hybrid Cars: I love love my Prius, I will never drive a normal car again. Going green is a conscious decision not a life style for me. Just know that I have no idea how to check my oil, antifreeze, and all of that jazz under the hood. Yes, we are so having AAA!

Sleeping: I don’t sleep with my head on my pillow. 9 out of 10 times it’s on the floor or your side of the bed. An I don’t like to be covered, so no pulling the covers up to my ears. I will hit you if you do this and then apologize for hitting you.

Chocolate: Don’t waste your money on it. I am severely allergic to it and can not eat it. I know, I know all women love chocolate. If you bring it to me, I’ll shove it right back at you or either that puke on your shoes. Its your choice keep me chocolate free or wear puke on your shoes. (For me its a no brainer)

Dogs: The muppet and I are a package deal. No ifs ands or buts. We go together no matter what, so you must like dogs.

Follow this outline and you will do all right with me. An be ready for the craziest ride of your life. No day goes without adventure in my world and I like it that way. So where ever you are future husband know that one caring, passionate witty Ninja is waiting for you.

2010

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2010 is a year that I will always remember, a year filled with change, hope, love, sadness, and loss.

We were still in recovery mode and thanked our lucky stars that the blood clot had dissolved. This was my new normal, life as a pulmonary embolism survivor. One filled with constant chest pain, short breath, and lack of stamina. Yet, with all the pain, I was able to see the grace in my situation.

Winter was filled with happiness. Nylan turned 6, I was so proud to see him grow and learn with each coming day. He went tubbing for the first time, you could see the fear in his eyes as he looked out at the horizon and down the hill, yet he courageously stepped into the tube and was greeted with laughter at the bottom. I realized that my chubby cheeked boy was turning in to a pint size man. He would test his boundaries and no longer needed my help. He was and is becoming independent.

In the spring we learned that our little family of three humans and three dogs was growing. Scott and I were so excited when we found out that we were expecting a little one of our own. We nick named out babies little bear and set in planning the nursery, buying supplies, and picking out names. If it was a boy it would be named Alucious Gregory and if it were a girl her name would be EmmiLeigh Grace (Yup she would have a double name just like her mama).

Sadly as quickly as life was created God took our little bear away. We were devastated when we lost our child. For the longest time I thought it was my fault, that I had done something, or that I wasn’t good enough to be a mom in God’s eyes. Yet, with each new day came a sense of peace. Tests concluded that my baby was a boy, a beautiful boy named Alucious Gregory. I am a proud mama to a baby in heaven. I am grateful for this experience, because without it I would have never had the strength to take the next step.

The winds of change were brewing. The once loving couple had finally drifted apart. Nothing could bring them back together, so a judgment call was made, and I walked away from my marriage and my step son. I never thought I’d be one of those women who got a divorce, who gave up on their families, and throw in the towel. I felt a shamed at first, like I failed, and that now I was damaged. Yet, I realize it takes two to make a marriage work, and well my heart left my marriage a long time ago and my brain just now caught up.
The summer brought my independence, confidence, and new found friendships. It also marked the end of Lily and Lola. The friendship ended in turbulent rapture, yet it needed to end. It taught me to choose my friends wisely and that not everyone is who they project themselves to be. I hope she got some help and that things are going well for her.

I bravely walked away from my job in September, not knowing what tomorrow would bring, all I had was faith to carry my through. The one year anniversary of my pulmonary embolism passed and my birthday came. Dates were plentiful, yet, none were worth keeping or sustaining serious relations. Friends carried me through the down times and cheered me on during the highs. I started a new job in the banking world, got another infection in my lung (stupid lung), and met a new amazing friend. Trips were plentiful and the muppet like dog provided me with hours of laughter. Man I love that little beast, he truly is the best dog ever!

2010 was the worst yet most amazing year of my life. I will always remember 2010 as the year I took myself back.