Tomorrow is National Wear Red Day. A day to put a name to a face, a face to a cause, and to put a face to the fight against the #1 killer of women. I never though I would be the very survivor I advocated for. I never thought I would be the 26 year old woman in the ICU bed with wires and IVs coming form all directions. I never thought that at 26 I would become a boss at self injection, managing my INR levels, taking Viagra and numerous other medications with names so long they boggle my mind. It took six long months for my body to fully recover. Six long months of INR checks, CT Scans, ultra sounds, and follow up visits.

In one moment my life changed forever. If I hadn’t listened to my body, I wouldn’t be here today. My gut it what told me to take the Lexington Parkway exit and head back to Woodbury. I honestly don’t know how I made it to Woodwinds health campus. I guess the moment I chose that exit faith took over and got me to where I needed to be. If the ER Doctor had never asked me if I was on birth control, my blood clot would have been missed and I would have been dead within minutes. My stroke was stopped by clot busters, I was able to walk away from a horrible situation. I am the 1 out of 5 who survived. And for that I am forever grateful.

Borrowed time is what I’m living on, I escaped death to live another day. I vowed right then and there that my life would be different. That I would make a difference and prevent others from going through my fate. Over the past almost 5 years I have met so many women that had no idea there birth control had deadly side effects. I, I am changing that one woman at a time. I was given the chance to meet with law makers in DC, and have traveled the country sharing my story and educating women on the dangerous heart related side affects of hormonal contraceptives.

I am going RED for all of my stroke survivor sisters, for all of those who lost the battle and for those who are winning the war. NO WOMAN DESERVES TO FIGHT ALONE! Join me! Join me and show the world that Heart Disease, Heart attacks, and Stroke matter and that we will not give up until there is a cure.

Work has been getting me down lately and I haven’t been the funnest person to hang out with either. Today at the Twin Cities Lunch and Learn I was reminded of how lucky I am to be alive. That not many women survive a pulmonary embolism and a stroke. That I unlike the people I work for have something to celebrate. Each day that I am standing above ground is a reminder that I am doing all right.

I walked into the Marriott feeling a little out of sorts and was quickly cheered up by the hundreds of women I met. Familiar faces received hugs and high fives, hell I gave out hugs to people I just met. (I am a huger) Nothing, not even work was going to ruin the event for me. The room was filled with contagious energy and it empowered me. Soon I was all smiles, greeting women, and handing out information at the AHA table. I was able to connect with survivors over stress balls and share my story with those who support us. It was funny when the Merck reps walked by and they over heard me talking about my stroke. A gentlemen asked me “What caused your stroke?” With a sly smile I replied “Well, Sir your product did.” He gave me the craziest look and I repeated my self “Sir the ____ ring did. It’s funny how Merck supports women and then turns around and manufactures a product that almost kills them.” He took his stress ball and slowly backed away from me.

I even got to meet one of my Father’s nurses from the Mayo clinic. I thanked her for helping my Daddy get better, because of women like Katherine he survived and he will be celebrating his 11th heart anniversary. It brought tears to her eyes. She said to me “I always remember my patients who come in, in the roughest shape and somehow they walk out a few weeks later on their own.” I told her that he is alive, is doing well, and that he is one extremely proud Grandfather. The Mayo clinic will always have a special place in my heart, for they gave me my father back.

I am going Red because no woman should fight alone. Survivorship can be a long and lonely road. When you are young, you never think “I am going to have heart disease, a stroke or even a heart attack. You live your life, work your job, and love your family with all your heart. Until the day comes where something isn’t right and your gut is yelling for you to see a doctor. In that moment whether it be in an operating room, ER, or clinic your world comes crashing down. You stop breathe deep, cry a little, put your big girl pants on, and you walk right into survivorhood with a smile. We are women and we breathe life into every step we take. None of us deserve to fight alone. Together we can take on the world and one day our world will be free of heart disease.

Each one of us has a story to share. Heart disease knows no bounds and it can touch anyone of us at any time. My family got involved because of Emma, I jumped my little heart out, learned CPR, and because of my Father my dedication to the cause was strengthened. I never thought in a million years that I would be the very survivor I was advocating for. So the next time you look into the eyes of a woman realize that her heart has bruises and that she was touched by heart disease. I had an easy road, I am proof that early intervention works. Every second counts when you are having a stroke. Every second becomes the difference between living and dying. I was lucky I had mine in the perfect place, I had my stroke right in the ER. I thank my lucky stars that I am alive and I fight like hell for those who lost their lives. Those women paid the ultimate price and because of them I live my life with purpose.

On February 1st I am going RED for: Emma Beaulieu, my niece Sophia, my sister JammieLeigh, my Mama, my Daddy, my dear friend and mentor Gerry Nolting, and mostly for all of the women whose lives were cut short by heart disease. Together we can make a difference, together we can save lives, and change the world. Won’t you join us?

He told me “You will never make it on your own”. With those words spoken our marriage ended. I packed up my life and put one foot toward my future. On nights that are a little to lonely my ex-husbands last words are whispered into my ear. Doubt sets in and then the tears began to fall. I often wondered if he was right. If he knew something about me that I didn’t know. In the morning I would push doubt to the side and use his words to motivate me. Motivate me to change the box I was standing in. I was going to prove to him that I could make it on my own. Mostly I needed to prove to myself that he was wrong.

At first it was hard. I had to figure out how to pay bills, check my oil, and other day-to-day things. With help from loving friends and family I mastered online bill pay, found the dip stick, and managed to survive on my own. Slowly the pieces of my life started coming back together. I was no longer a shattered doll, but a doll with cracks. Each day I faced my fears and believed in myself a crack would disappear. Soon I would face the sun as a new woman with scars on her soul. Yet I can look back on what was with peace and a smile.

Tomorrow will mark the 2nd anniversary of the day I walked out on my old life with tear-stained eyes and Sherri at my side. That Attorney was right “You know when it’s over, someone just needs to call it.” I made the call and with a few text messages I was looking at apartments. I was looking at what could be. In truth I was scared to death, I rarely leap without a place to fall. It took alot to leave my ex husband, he did everything for me and gave me more than a girl could ask for. We had our good times and bad times. However in the end there was not enough good to chase away the bad. The bad piles trampled on the good and the sweet moments slipped away into heart ache. Nylan was the main source of my happiness, I put everything I had into that kid. I have always said “It was easy to walk away from Scott. But it hurt like hell to walk away from Nylan.” To start over I had to cut my ties and say good-bye. I had to leave motherhood behind. I had to figure out what it was like to be single.

Mostly I had to figure out what it was like to be me. I hadn’t been myself for five years. My heart proved to be my guide, turns out the real AJ was still there, deep inside she waited for me to find her. All it took was a little self-love and a sheer moment of courage to bring myself back. In the past two years I have grown more as a person than I ever thought possible. I found my passion and soared into my career. Finally, I am at the top of my game and reaping the benefits of my hard work. The confidence my ex husband took from me began to return and I stomped on his words. His last words have been my fuel. Fuel to prove to him and more so prove to myself that I can do it. That I can make it on my own.

Everything I have lived through has been a part of the plan. I realize now that my P.E. taught me I could survive whatever life threw at me and that I was strong. I just needed to listen to myself. The strength I gained from fighting for my life was the same strength I tapped into when my son died. That strength is what allowed me to turn the key on my past and walk out that door. The bad moments led to incredibly good things. Every tear I shed led me to where I am today.

My five years with Scott will always be apart of me. Deep down I want to believe that the Scott I fell in love with still exists within the shell. That the shell of a man who stood before me was hurting just like I was. He told me once “my greatest regret will always be that I didn’t get on that plane.” His greatest regret in life is that he wasn’t there to stand by my side on the day that our son died. That he didn’t have the courage to face the truth or more so the courage to face his grieving wife. He didn’t have the courage to love me through my darkest hour. His failure gave me the strength I needed to walk into the rest of my life. The life that was waiting patiently for me.

We are a collection of stories. Scott, Nylan, and Aloucious will always be apart of mine. He will always be the first man I loved, Nylan will always be my son, and Aloucious will be the baby I never got to hold. I could have skipped the pain and saved myself the heart ache. However I would have missed out on one of the greatest stories of my life. Because of the heart ache I became one incredible woman. The past two years have taught me that.

It’s funny how a scent, a laugh, or even a walk around Calhoun can bring the memories of Charlie flooding back to me. There are times where I wake up at night and moments where I crack a smile for no reason. Life is too short, nothing like loss will teach us that life is too short.

Today someone who had been out of the country since Thanksgiving asked me where Charlie was. For the first time in three months I was able to say “He died” without falling apart. I was at peace with saying “he died” and with those words a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Before that moment saying ‘He died” left me with nothing but pain and regret. Today when I said “he died” I felt at peace and ok with the fact that Charlie is really gone.

Gone. Is where old boyfriends, friends, and people go when we no longer want them in our lives. We just simply say “He/She is gone” to avoid any awkward conversation and speculations on what went wrong. It was hard for me to say Charlie is gone. I didn’t wish him to Guam or throw him to the side, I had no choice in his being gone. This gone was different, this gone hurt, and it will impact me for the rest of my life. This gone has changed me and will remain a part of me. Charlie didn’t even have a say in his being gone, he was just driving that day, and fate cut his time short. The decision of two people is what took Charlie’s life that day, because of them he is gone.

As much as I want to blame them and hate them for Charlie being gone, I can’t. In order to move on I have to forgive and believe that the jury will award a just punishment. Faith is what keeps me going on the days that are a little to lonely. I have to believe that in the end this will all make sense. I am a better person because of Charlie. He taught me that love knows no bounds and that when you believe it all falls into place. Maybe this was part of the plan, I’ll never know, heck if it was I don’t want to know. I prefer to leave fate up to chance and love to the stars. Because when I look up at the starry sky I know somewhere up there Charlie is looking down on me. An that is all the comfort I need.

Each day I wake up the sun beams a little brighter. My heart is starting to heal, its been two months since I lost Charlie. Two long months. I haven’t been myself, casting fake smiles and half-hearted hellos in the direction of friends. I have been living in memory land, a land where Charlie is still alive. Hurt has taught me to hold on to the past, my heart says “Let go.” Let go of what was and what will never be. Free yourself and set your heart on fire.

I loved Charlie more than life its self and I know deep down that he would want me to find my way. That he would not want me to hold onto a broken dream. I can hear his voice say “AJ put your big girl pants on and walk my friend, walk right into the sun. You are stronger than you realize and you my love deserve the world.” Charlie uttered those words to me on nights I doubted myself or days in which I thought the world was ending. He’d just rub my curly hair and say “You worry more than you hope. Try a little hope babe. It will do you good.”

Faith in God is allowing me to heal and knowing that I have an angel cheering me on keeps me humble. I can feel Charlie with me plain as day, I know that he is urging me to find my way. Letting go is easier said than done. But with each breath and each step I take I am moving on. The pain is starting to fade and I am starting to believe again. Each day is a chance for me to build a new life, a new memory, and a chance to fill my heart will love.