It’s funny how life goes. We always hear stories about other women and never once think “That could happen to me.”

I’ve always had dreams of being a mom. Mothering is something that I am good at. I raised my x husbands child and carried a baby that’s now in heaven. After my child loss everyone told me “Oh you will be pregnant soon enough, don’t worry its just a fluke, and you’ll be a mom again.” Those words brought me awkward comfort. Comfort that never settled into a calm.

Calm is what I wish my life was full of. But it’s not, some days I wish I could get off the train and then I remember all of the people counting on me. I don’t have time to be sick, to rest, and no time to just be a lump. My life is full of blessings and moments of laughter. Those moments remind me that I have a purpose.

A purpose to change the world, to make a difference, and to serve those in needed. A purpose that doesn’t have time to be sick. In April I learned that my uterus is full of pre-cancerous cells. Cells that are not normal and will not go away on their own. My options are a D&C to scrape the uterus clean or the more drastic eviction of my uterus a partial hysterectomy. I wanted to burst into tears at the news, instead I held it in and looked blankly out the window.

For me a D&C is out of the question. I had a D&C when I lost Alucious and I am never, mark my word going down that road again. The D&C did not go well, it left me with a 4 inch rip in my uterus and a damaged cervix. I am not putting myself through that again. This option would save my uterus and would possibly allow me to carry a child.

At 28 I never thought I would be watching my fertility slip through my fingers. No one ever told me, “Hey 28 year olds face some tough shit. You are going to be one of those girls.” I’ve come to far in life to give up. My birth control almost took my life, I survived a stroke and PE, to me I can and will do anything to survive.

The doctor brought in a counselor for me to talk to. She gave my pamphlets on egg retrieval and surrogates. I thought to myself “Are these people nuts, hormones are what put me into this mess.” Then she explained that embryos survive better than eggs alone do. What the flip, I am not even married I said. I would feel terrible if I met a man one day and said “Hey yea I don’t have a uterus but, umm I’ve got embryos it’s not your sperm, but yea it will be our baby.” I would feel terrible knowing that I took a man’s right to reproduce away. Everyone deserves to see themselves recreated and to feel the birth of their child. I can’t go down that road.

Roads right now are pointing to the eviction of my uterus. I am still taking time to let this sink in. Part of me hopes that this is all a dream. Yet, I wake up each day and my broken no good uterus is still with me. Stupid thing! To be honest I feel cheated by God, cheated out of the right to carry, to birth my own child. For now I am taking it day by day. I am exploring all of my options and at this point I am not ready to say good-bye to my uterus. I’ve had it for 28 years and I am not ready to give up on it. With or without the pre cancerous cells, my uterus still won’t be able to carry a child. Thank you inter uterine scaring, a mark left from a bad D&C.

I am a fighter through and through. I’ve got an amazing family and a bunch of awesome Ninjas that I happily call friends. I cried my tears shouted and stomped, now its time to take action. Action to save my life. I will not be harvesting my eggs, hormones are what got me into this mess in the first place. So one day when I am 80, just maybe I will adopt a beautiful baby. Today I am ok with being childless and look forward to a life filled with adventures. My broken uterus is a part of me and if I must evict her, then I will serve that notice with pride.

When I was little I loved playing the game battleship. Something about it was mysterious and wonderful. There is no logic behind it, the game is simply won purely by chance. An I like chances.

Chances are like new shoots sprouting up from the ground. In the spring everything gets a chance to regrow, renew, and often we find rebirth in our selves. We discover parts of our selves that laid in hibernation during the cold winter months, our toes revel in the sun, and our hearts are filled with hope. The spring air is filled with hope, with the static of thoughts muttered, and the anticipation of change.

Saturday I laid on the floor of Charlies down town condo, my game board in front of me, Minneapolis was glowing outside the windows and the TFC tower blinked like a beacon in the night. B14 I shouted with a grin. B14 Charlie, did I finally get a hit. With a giggle he said nope, you missed. It should be known that I rarely win at battleship. But this night proved to be victorious, the game went on for hours and I, I finally sunk all of his ships. Charlie rolled on the floor laughing at my excitement and said “God, I wish Connor was here to see you right now.” Soon my excitement dwindled, looking at the floor, I whispered I know Charlie, I know, I miss him. Charlie whispered back “I miss him to doll, I miss him too.”

I got up from our game and gazed out at the Minneapolis skyline. I had so many questions that have yet to be answered. Charlie stood by me and said ” ya know he was my brother, my best friend. I want to love someone the way Connor loved you. Amjay He loved you more than you could ever imagine.” Then why did he leave Charlie? One by one the sky scrapers lights were dimmed and now I looked into a black abyss. An Abyss that was unfamiliar and then I remembered that hot July day. That day was the last time I heard Connor’s voice.

Over the past year I played our last conversation over and over in my head. Did I even pause to ask Connor how he was doing, did I even say I love you as I hung up the phone, and did I tell him that he was one of my bestest Bffs? The questions will haunt me for eternity. All I can remember is telling Connor about my new singlehood, about my IKEA filled apartment, and about my BFF going awall. Telling him about the drama that played out one hot July day.

Charlie asked me as we looked out the window “what did you talk to Connor about that day?” I told him it was drama, meaningless drama. I explained how four people collided together into a dramatic rapture. Each having their own piece in the drama pie, each one over reacting, and under reacting at the sticky emotions that erupted before us. Of fake Twitter accounts, blog posts that wield hurtful words, distrust, hacked email accounts, and a friendship lost. Charlie cocked an eye brow “that makes no sense Amjay, no sense.” Charlie I know it makes no sense at all. But it happened and if you must know one of the people who caused it is two floors below us.

The funny part is, this whole dramatic situation really didn’t include me, I was part of the soup by association. Two people came to a head. A Geek and a girl needed to hash out their differences, their grievances, and emotions over a blog post. The whole thing was unsettled drama from the fall and it, it finally came to a head. They settled it and we moved on with our lives. Well mostly moved on, more words were exchanged, betrayal was shouted, and finally the friendship ended as quickly as it started. If I had to do it over again, I would choose the Attorney over wallowing over drinks in a bar.

Charlie quietly asked “and what did Connor tell you Amjay, what advice did he give you that day.” Looking Charlie in the eye, Connor told me to seek out the truth, to look in the mirror, and to reach out to the Geek. Reach out I did. Lucky for me she reached back and a friendship was born out of dramatic chaos. Something good came out of that hot July day and my life has been better because of it.

Connor often said life is like battleship, no one knows when the next peg is going to fall in place or when our ships will sink in turbulent rapture. We have to trust in our vessels and pray that they will carry us to our destination. That we dodge the bombs, the critics, and dance to our own tune. That each choice, guess, or assumption we make is a risk. A risk that is worth taking. Connor said to me once ” If you have one boat a float you are doing all right. Just ride this river until you reach your destination.”

I turned away from the windows and looked back at the game laying on the floor. I swear I heard Connors laughter in my ear. Charlie was looking at me and threw his arms around me. We stood there for a few moments in a tight hug and he whispered in my ear ” Love, as long as you play the game, you’re doing all right.” Tears melted on to my cheeks, I whispered back thank you, I needed that.

The other day I was asked “How did you come up with the name for your blog?” Its simple really, have bear will travel was born during my semester in Scotland. Alfred the bear was and still is my trusty travel side kick. Have bear will travel is an evolution from a single college girl studying abroad, to a young married woman with a family, and now it chronicles my journey as a young divorcee.

The blog originally started on the E-Hive of UW-Superior, moved to blog spot, and now rests at word press. During my transfer from E-Hive to blog spot a lot of the content was lost and had to be redone. In 2010 I decided to make the move to word press and did not bring over all of the content.

One thing will always remain, an that are the posts regarding Nylan. Nylan was a big part of my life and my love for him still remains. One day he will be old enough to question what happened and the answers will be waiting for him here. Here, he will read my words, see photos, and know that one woman loved him so much that she maintained her memories for him.

Memories that will remind me of how far I have come and where I am headed in life. I admit when I travel tucked inside my suit case is a ratty old teddy bear named Alfred. Little girls never grow up, they just put on high heels. I know that no matter where I go in this world I am not alone and Alfred reminds me of home. Home, of the people who I love, have lost, and those I have yet to meet. That crusty ratty teddy bear makes the journey even sweeter. Plus he also acts as an impromptu pillow on overseas flights.

As long as I have the bear I will travel. Travel though this life knocking down walls and taking names without question. Life is a journey worth taking. An I….I am going to take that journey with Alfred tucked into my carry on bag.

I count myself lucky. Lucky to have the Mother that I have. She always believed in me and fought for what she knew I could become. Our road together has been far from easy, yet its lined with laughter, determination, and tears of dreams realized.

My mama has always told me in life that the words “I can’t” do not exist and that as long as I believed it would be all right. When the mountain seems to high, she’s silently there cheering me on to the next peak. Cheering me on in my dreams and helping me glue the pieces back together when they come crashing down.

My dreams were realized because of my Mother. Because of her determination to see her daughters succeed. I remember her tired eyes after her second shift, the moments we would wait for her to come home, those two jobs kept us a float. Her work ethic is extraordinary. We never went without, what ever we wanted was laid in our hands, and our lives were enriched by her love.

By a love so strong that it could warm a million hearts. A love that has extended across the seas and to the deserts of Egypt. She has given me what she never had growing up. A life of love, happiness, and possibilities. An for that I will be forever in debt to this woman, to the woman who gave up her dreams, so that mine could come true.

I love you today, tomorrow and always. You truly are the worlds greatest Mom. Thank you for giving me your ninja antics and kung fu goodness. I know that with you at my side I will be able to conquer the world.

I Love you bunches Mama

There are big beautiful things a foot right now. Soon I will let the details escape from my secret sack. Until that moment when the star is in my hand, I will clinch the sack tightly closed.

Opportunity draws me in, like a moth to a flame. Each chapter, adventure, and page carries a promise of a brighter future.

For a while, I have let fear and intimidation rule my chance at opportunity. I strayed from it, happily going on my course. Yet, I wasn’t satisfied. I wanted something more. Only one thing stood between me and my something more. A little thing called intimidation. An that intimidation stands at about 5′ 7″ inches tall.

That 5′ 7″ something and I met last June. Was it fate who knows. Our friendship had run its course, got tossed off a cliff by a hippo, and then quietly awkwardly ended. Ended into an awkward abyss. Of me darting out of restaurants, bars, Target and what have you, out of fear. Fear of awkwardness, of owing an explanation, and quite frankly I didn’t want the drama. So I chose to dart, dive, and run. yes, I know that doesn’t seem like a ninja thing to do, but Ninjas, they are good at running.

So it seems the hands of fate are once again at work. I realize now, that I won’t be able to dodge, duck, and dart. That would look awkward and unprofessional. So I am silently keeping my fingers crossed that it will go without incident and that professionalism will rule. An no one, not even a tiny paralegal will get smooshed.