Category Archives: Child Loss

{Life Lessons) One Little Genetic Accident 

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Pregnancy lossWhen Lucia died I was never given the option for genetic testing, instead I had to literally demand it. Many thousands of dollars later we learned that he was genetically and chromosomally perfect. There was no why or a how behind his death. He just simply stopped being and for some strange reason that news brought me comfort.

Fast forward five years, this time around it didn’t really cross my mind to ask for testing. I figured an empty gestational sac is simply just empty. To my surprise the doctor emailed to tell me that the pathology results were in. I thought to my self “Pathology” results? I don’t remember them mentioning anything about testing.” 

The proof was in the testing. The little sac that couldn’t was more than just a little sac. It was a sac filled to the brim with answers. A human cannot have 69 chromosomes, we only need 43, no less and no more, only 43 will do. I wondered to myself “How the heck does one embryo get 63 chromosomes? I must be broken or Jay is broken, someone must be broken?” I read a little further and the answer to my question was in the text “two sperm fertilized one egg.” It happens in every 1 out of 3,000 pregnancies and the likelihood of it reoccurring again is very slim. 

The true medical term for this is: partial hydatidiform mole or a partial molar pregnancy, which occurs when the egg receives two sets of chromosomes from the father, usually because the egg has been fertilized by two sperm instead of one. The egg now has 69 chromosomes, instead of the normal 46. 69 chromosomes means no baby and your body will recognize this and the miscarriage process will start. That is if your body is smart, mine is not that smart……..

The embryo had only partially developed and a cluster of grape-like cysts, which is known as a hydatidiform mole began to grow and take over. Now the waiting begins and the lab work starts. The doctor is going to follow me until my HCG level returns to zero. If it does not reach zero it means that there is abnormal tissue growing and I will have to under go chemotherapy to kill it off. That in itself does not sound fun and it is a road I would like to avoid. In the mean time I am keeping everything crossed that my HCG will return to zero. We want a big fat zero!! Come on zero, I want you and need you in my life!

Wait and see land is a terrible place to be and I want out!  I have many trips to the lab in my future and will have my blood drawn every few days until my level reaches zero. I am praying that on Monday my first blood draw will be a big fat zero. Jay and I want to move on and put our little ball of 69 chromosomes behind us. 

Nothing is every easy, all of the weird medical shit happens to me. Just once I would like a break from the office visits and medical bills. Leave it to me to be the 1 out of 3,000. In away it is cool that medical science has come so far that they can tell two sperm fertilized one egg. Like that is crazy cool when you think about it. Gosh darn I love science! 

My bright side in this situation is this: “I CAN get pregnant! My uterus may be beat up and bruised, but she sure as hell ain’t broke! The best part is: I am not going through this alone, I have an amazing man who is holding my hand every step of the way. Jay is making me laugh, giving me back rubs, and taking much needed naps with me. I am so glad I have him in my life! With Jay at my side all things are possible, one day we will have a little one to call our own. Right now Jay and I are settling for the newest addition to our family a little gray kitten with a very pink nose named Griffin.

{Life Lessons} So close to motherhood, yet so far away

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WaveOn Mother’s day I got the bright blue positive that we all hope and pray for. That little plastic test proved that my body still worked and that I was still worthy of motherhood. Little did I know, this to would be a test and I would once again have to face loss. Fate she can be kind, yet without warning she can churn the seas. At the end of May Jay and I found out that a gestational sac had developed yet it had nothing inside. There was no heart beat, no yolk, and simply no sign of life. It was not meant to be ours.

Someone else needed a baby more than Jay and I did. This, this just wasn’t our time and as Jay put it “Babes it just wasn’t CoraLeigh in there.” Yes, we secretly wanted a girl. June proved to be a test, losing a pregnancy isn’t easy and it put a strain on our relationship. Words were said, tears shed, yet we came out of it more in love than ever. My body didn’t want to let go of our little sac that couldn’t, so a D&C was scheduled and I began to pray. Pray because the last time I had one, it didn’t end so well and it left me with more scars than healthy tissue.

I picked out the expert, we talked through the procedure and he promised that he was going to do it right. On Monday I went under and he did it right. To my surprise as well as his, my uterus had hardly any scar tissue and the tare in the uterus healed perfectly. My chances of having a healthy pregnancy are as high as they can be for a pulmonary embolism/stroke survivor. I have a feeling that my third time and Jay’s second time will be the charm. I am not going to give up on motherhood just yet, this this is a dream I have always wanted.

Sometimes I look at pregnant women and think to myself “you are so darn lucky.” Most women have no idea the struggles a pulmonary embolism/stroke survivor faces in pregnancy. My world is complicated and most of us are told “no more babies.” I took that statement as a challenge and lord willing one day I will hold a baby of my own. Someone has to go first and tread the waters so others can follow. Right now medical science knows so little about hormone induced blood clots and heart issues, I think it’s time to change it. More research needs to be done and when that happens more women just like me will be able to carry babies of their own.

For now I will settle for the knowledge that my body still and does work. I am blessed to have two children in heaven, my son Lucia and a baby we never got to know. I’d like to believe that this was a test, a nudge from God to let me know I am still capable of carrying a child. The little empty sac will always be apart of me and I will always wonder who it would have been. I have no doubt that my turn is coming and that Jay and I will get to one day share a super cute baby announcement with all of you.

{Life Lessons} Stick Little Baby, Stick

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Five years ago when I lost my son I had a botched D&C that left my uterus with more scars than healthy tissue. They told me that because of my broken uterus I would never carry another baby. I’ve spent thousands of dollars and traveled the country looking for a specialist who would tell me otherwise. At then end of the day they all had the same answer and I had to learn how to live with it. When I turned 30 I accepted the fact that the only baby I would ever carry was in heaven and that there would be no more. This was the card I was dealt and I have to play that hand until the very end.

Surviving is only half the battle. One has to learn how to live with the unknowns and the would haves. Each night as I lay my head down I ask God to bring me a family, more than anything I want to be a mom. I want nothing more than to have a child. Every day as I walk to work I pass dozens of pregnant women, they look so happy and swollen. I want that glow and swollen body, I want to be pregnant more than anything. I wish and I pray, but at the end of the day they are just unheard wishes and prayers.

Fate she is funny. She and I have a very rocky relationship. Sometimes we get along and other times she is beating me into the ground. Lately she has been nice, I got the promotion I wanted at work, the Nuvaring lawsuit is wrapping up, and I have a man who adores my every quirk. Me more than anyone knows that with the good there comes bad. So I have been looking up at the sky waiting for it to fall, checking the ground for pot holes, and instinctively dodging curve balls that do not exist. Maybe for once fate is going to let me be and finally have a few moments in the sun.

I long for the sun and the sweet calm that arises after the storm. On Mother’s Day fate stepped in. I realized that my period was late. At first i didn’t give it a single thought and went on about my business. But then this feeling sunk in, a feeling of what if. So I gave myself a pep talk and bought a pregnancy test. I knew in my heart of hearts that it was going to be negative. I stared at it for a few moments and decided well they only way you are going to know for sure is if you pee on it, lord knows the test can’t read your mind. I took it, then set it on the sink. I continued washing my hands, I looked over and holy shit there was a bright blue plus sign. It appeared in less than 30 seconds. I immediately picked it up and dropped it on the floor. That couldn’t be right? It had to be wrong. There was no way.

There was simply no way. I sat on the floor and looked at the thing for a good 30 minutes before it sunk in that I was pregnant. Then it dawned on me that I had phone calls to make and close people to tell. I told Jay, he was excited yet terrified. My Mama was elated and I, I was fucking terrified. Terrified because being pregnant is like playing Russian roulette, it could go one way or the other. You just don’t know until that first ultra sound.

My first ultra sound did not give Jay and I answers. It left us in limbo. The gestational sac measures at 6 weeks 6 days which is spot on. However the sac was empty, we did not see a yolk or a fetal pole. The doctor she was optimistic that in a week we will most likely see a healthy little fetal pole beating away. At this moment I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. I want to believe the doctor, I truly do, maybe the baby is just hiding or is stubborn. I fear that this pregnancy is most likely a blighted ovum and that fate is once again playing a fucking joke on me. Maybe it is not a joke, maybe it is a test.

My HCG came back at 8434, the nurse said that was a high number. But it is also the first number they have so the Doctor doesn’t know whether it’s falling or rising. I go in for another blood draw tomorrow, we want the number to double. On Friday we have another ultrasound and I pray with every fiber in my being that we will see at a yolk if not a little fetal pole beating away. I have been down this road before and it scares the shit out of me. With Lucia I had a two-week wait and that wait was worth it, we saw his little heart beat. I just pray that Friday will hold the same out come, because I want nothing more than to meet this little one in January. I want nothing more than to hold this little one in my arms. I want to be a Mama to a baby on earth, not just a Mama to a baby in heaven.

So if you have an extra prayer to spare please send it up for this little one. If you have an extra penny in your pocket and a wish to share please wish for this little one to stay. Because I want nothing more than to see a little healthy heart beating away on Friday’s scan. I survived the unthinkable and this little one is a survivor’s dream come true. This little one proves that the impossible is possible and that miracles still exist in this world.

{Lucia} My Baby You Will Always Be

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As we are growing up we are never told “not all babies are born alive.” No one ever talks about pregnancy loss. It’s taboo. I say it’s time to bring it to the fore front and to give credit to those who carry the loss of a child.

In May 2010 four bear paws were etched gracefully on the top of my foot. The tattoo artist asked me “why four tiny bear paws?” I said to him “I just lost my silver lining. In October I had a P.E. and stroke. On April fools day I found out I was carrying my son and on May 11th I found out he was gone. His name was Alucouis and we lovingly nick named him little bear. Where ever I go, I can now look down at my foot and know that my son is always with me.” I looked up and saw this burly tattoo artist wiping the tears from his eyes. In that moment my strength touched him and he gave me a permanent reminder of my son.

Alucious “Lucia” Gregory Beaulieu Cohen, Born Sleeping May 12, 2010

Lucia would be five this year. I can’t help to wonder how different my life would be and mostly what he would be like. Would he be like me, wild and care free or would he be a wall flower like his father. Would Lucia have curly hair or straight black hair like his dad. Mostly in quiet moments I wonder what his laugh and little voice would sound like. I got cheated out of five years, I got cheated out of a lifetime  with my son. My baby he will always be.

Its crazy how much one can miss a child they never got to hold. My heart will always have a hole and its name is Lucia. One little boy changed my life forever. No matter where I go or what I do in this world I will always have an angle on my shoulder. I want Lucia  to be proud to call me his mom and I want him to be the happiest baby in heaven. Lucia is and will always be my son. He is and will always be my parents first grandchild. Lucia is ours forever and one day we will see my sweet baby again.

Until that time comes, I am going to cherish every moment of borrowed time I have on this earth. My heart may be broken, but it still has a whole lot of room for love and I know Lucia would want to be a big brother one day. I want nothing more than to hold Lucia’s siblings in my arms under his tree. He will be the wind that rustles the leaves and they will know his love.

{Divorced Life} April 3, 2005

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Ten years ago a bright eyed college junior walked across the Ross Hall Parking lot to hug her date. He had brown eyes and he was her cup of hansom. That day took them to canal park in Duluth, the ice was just letting out on the lake, the cool breeze landed her in his arms, and they had conversation over burgers at Grandma’s. She felt a tug like she never had before, with each word she fell for him. That night was the beginning of a beautiful disaster.

The Monday after our first date Scott called me and told me he had something to say. That if I wanted to walk away, he understood and that was ok. I waited, he took a deep breath and said “I have a son.” I excitedly asked “what’s his name, how old is he.” At 22 I stepped up to the plate and took on the role of stepmom. It’s a role that I cherished and I loved Nylan as he was my own.

Young love is full of passion with a dash of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of what would happen if you veered from the vision you created and the path you dreamed of. Somewhere between 2005 and 2006 I threw caution to the wind and went all in. I graduated in May 2006, moved in with him in July and was engaged by thanksgiving.

Law school was put on the back burner and I started forming a new dream. I found a career in the pharmacy benefit management field and started planning our wedding. May 2008 seemed like a lifetime away, but in the wedding planning word it was just a day away. I planned every detail right down to our orange wedding cake.

Scott and I traveled the globe together. Cruises became our thing, we saw the Texaribian, Alaska, Africa and Europe. Money it wasn’t an object, we did what we wanted to. Scrapbooks were filled with photos of a happy couple and photos of the little family surrounded the home.

I just wasn’t marrying Scott I was marrying Nylan too. I raised Nylan like he was my own, we played together, baked together, and I showed him more love than one soul can handle. He was mine and that’s all that mattered. In the heat of wedding planning I decided to go back to school, we bought a house and continued to build a storybook life.
Married Life
A life that was built on unstable ground. Scott cheated before we even said I do. I brushed it off and thought he would change as soon as we said I do. His ring was more of an anchor than a symbol. He didn’t want to be with just me. Overtime the words unraveled and our story fell apart. He took comfort in the arms of someone else, blamed me for our “bad marriage” and repeatedly told me that I was no longer attractive.

We saw our first wedding anniversary, we spent it apart. He was in Seattle and I stayed home with Nylan. Five months later on one fateful October day I almost died. Scott was to busy being Scott to care. He didn’t realize that my life had changed. I was no longer the woman he married, I had changed, my life was almost pulled away from me and I would never be the same.

He couldn’t handle the new me, he chose to leave me alone most nights and between WOW and the women we hardly spoke to each other. Well we must have found time to hang out because the joke was on me. On April 1, 2010 I found out I was pregnant with our son.Scott seemed genuinely excited to have a baby with me.

Yet the seat in my prius was moved each morning. I knew he didn’t give up his flings and I started looking at my options. My marriage was going nowhere fast and I would raise the child on my own if I had to. God stepped in and on May 11, 2010 I found out our son was gone. Scott was in Vegas, he didn’t even bother coming home, Sherri took me to the hospital and friends took care of me. No one should have to go trough the death of a child alone. When he came back, he expected me to be the same.

I would never be the same! I survived a PE and stroke, to only turn around and have my child die. I was broken and there was only one option, leave. On June 27, I walked away from my loveless marriage and started searching for myself. It will be five years this June, five beautiful years and I can truly say that I found myself.

To be honest I wouldn’t trade the five years I had with Scott, for those are the years that taught me to fight for myself. I know that I never want a marriage like that again and that no woman should settle for being kept. I do not hate him, I actually just don’t feel anything towards him, he is my son’s father and because of that Scott will always be a part of me.

Just like how my life would be different if I had never gone out on that date 10 years ago. Who knows I may be a lawyer, I might not of had a stroke, and I would probably be married with children. I chose to dance that day, I chose to throw caution to the wind and let fate ride. Fate she has brought me to a lot of beautiful places and put me through experiences that have given me a lifetime of lessons. I have no regret, because that one choice lead me through a beautiful disaster that I get to call life.
Post Marriage

{Nuva Ring} Claim Approval and Alligators 

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Late last night I fired of an email asking for an update on the Nuva Ring Claims process. Morning came and I was wrapped up in prepping for a work party, that email was long forgotten. By 2pm I had a chance to look at my email and there is was the update that I had asked for.

I read that email a few times and it took a while for the following scentance to sink in “We have been notified that your case did qualify for settlement under the injury of pulmonary embolism.” Wow, Merk was going to be putting a dollar sign on my injury and calling their payment fair compensation. I called my parents and together we did a happy dance. 

For me, this case was never about the money. No amount of money can undo the harm that was done, it cannot restore me whole, and mostly it will never bring my fertility back. Complications from the Nuva ring have hindered my ability to carry a child. Alucious will be my only baby and that sweet boy rests with God. 

Alucious would be 5 this year. Five years ago I bought a tiny baby alligator for him and it sat in the nursery waiting for him to arrive. Alucious never met the alligator instead a crown was placed upon his head and he rests with the angles. I hung on to the alligator in hopes that one day I would be able to give it to a second child. I still hold out a shit ton of hope that I will have a baby of my own. For now the little alligator hangs out in my kitchen and watches the world go by while waiting for Alucious. 

The Nuva Ring changed my life in more ways than I ever thought possible. There are days where I want to give Merck a high five because in their failure I found purpose. I am more confident in myself and I am determined to make this word a better place. The Nuva Ring  was my slingshot and I have never looked back. I turned a shitty situation into a life lesson for all of us and I use my story to create change. I cannot undo what happened to me, but I sure as hell can do everything in my power to prevent a woman from enduring my fate. If I can prevent one PE, then the hell I went throught was worth it. 

Yes, Merck I will take your check, but just know that your failure of a product launched my purpose in life and I will not give up or in until it is no longer prescribed in this country. 


{Hearts On 22} Scales Are For The Birds

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I have never been one to follow the crowd or listen to critics. I rather stay in the woods and join the teddy bear picnic. Society tells me I am fat and that I should change. Change, means losing weight and striving to be there kind of beautiful.

There kind of beautiful is not my kind of beautiful. I’m not exactly fat, some call me fit. Others, well they just call me fluffy. Society wants me to be ashamed of my tits, my hips, my stomach, my ass, and my curves that go on for days. Once I was ashamed, I strived and I tried to be skinny. But, skinny wasn’t me, we didn’t work out and I put my size 14 jeans back on.

My size 14 ass has seen a lot of shit. When I look in the mirror I see curves with a dash of strength and a twist of determination. My body, she is powerful and she is amazing. She has never let me down. She beat the odds to walk another day. Scars are stories that left an imprint on your soul. My scars, shit I’ve got more than I can count. The newest one is a really cool neck scar and it is a reminder to always fight for answers.

Answers never come easy and sometimes you kind of wish you stayed in the woods. People stare at my scar, they look me up and down when they find out I had a stroke and lord they hit the floor when they find out I have a son in heaven. We are never told that sometime the fairytale sucks and that shit gets deep. Life isn’t fair and we are never prepared for the short deck. Yet we must always play the hand we are dealt and love the only body we will ever have.

My body is beautiful. Beautiful because it carries my surviving heart from place to place. I will never be a model, a hottie or hell even a heartthrob. I am simple and unexpected, and someone out there cannot get enough of my kind of beautiful.

Rock what the good lord gave you, put down that diet book, throw out your scale, and girl start loving yourself! Strength and determination are fucking sexy and they look good on YOU! Girl, you are not a bird, stop eating like one and enjoy food. As in really enjoy your life and have a little fun along the way. Kiss a stranger, dance in the rain, be daring, and never ever give up on your sweet self!

{Go Red} The Story of A Woman’s Heart Is Why

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IMG_6414-1When people find out that I had a stroke, they look at me like I have an infinite amount of wisdom. Wisdom,
Ha I am only 32 years wise and there are things I will never begin to understand. I, I am just a small town girl who had a stroke and some how I get to do big things.

If you would have told me five years ago that I would get to participate in a photo shoot and a PSA commercial to raise awareness of heart disease and stroke in women. I would of probably giggled and said “you’re nuts!” But here I am, it’s been five years and I am thriving. Brave doesn’t describe it, I am baring my soul for the public good. I am putting a face to a horrible experience.

Yet on the same coin, I am raising awareness that strokes can and do happen to perfectly healthy young women. That birth control has and does cause serious life altering side effects. I am raising awareness that, before the affordable care act, young women like me couldn’t afford health insurance. We put off going to the doctor because it was expensive. Now I truly can put my health and mostly my heart first.

I love with all of my surviving heart and I do not back down from challenges. Because I, I survived the worst day possible. I am more than a stroke, I am more than the collateral damage Merck accounted for, I am more than a survivor, I am a woman with a vibrant heart. I am first and for most a mother to my son in heaven and a mama to a Muppet like dog. I am an Aunt, a Daughter, a Sister, a Friend, and a Girlfriend. I am many things and I play many roles, yet survivor is one that I will never give up.

I am proof that every horrible situation has a silver lining. Six months after my Stroke I found out I was pregnant with my son. My heart was full and I felt vindicated. That somehow God still believed in me and that good still existed in this world. Even thou Lucia never took a breath, he is my greatest joy. He is the reason I do what I do and I want him to be proud of his Mama on earth.

My P.E./Stroke and death of my son were not the end of my horrible bad days. They were just the beginning and those moments of utter disaster gave me the strength I needed to put myself first and walk out of a loveless marriage. Eight months after I had my pulmonary embolism and stroke I filed for divorce. Surviving taught me to listen to my heart and to put myself first. A woman’s heart will never steer her wrong.

It’s been almost five years since my divorce was finalized and I have never looked back. I had to come into my own and figure out who I was. Surviving is only half the battle. One cannot simply just survive, they need to thrive. Once you start to thrive, you start living again. I rented my very first apartment, adopted a dog, changed jobs, found myself, and started dating. I’ve had my moments where I swore to myself that I would be single forever, only to be swept of my feet. Love it eluded me, but I finally caught it with my butter fly net! Its an amazing feeling to be in love with a man who loves every inch of my surviving heart!

I own everything that has happened to me. This is the story of my heart and I would not trade it for anything in this world. It’s mine, I have loved every moment of this beautiful disaster that I call “my life.”

But mostly, I have spent the past five years encouraging women to be their best health care advocate. Encouraging women to be brave, to go against the grain, and mostly to fight for themselves. The moment we give up and give in, is the moment we lose hope. No woman deserves to fight alone, all of us are in this together until the bitter end.

{Divorced Life} Emotions In My Pocket

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The above quote has kept me going on my toughest days. At the end of the day we are all just little nuts trying to hold our ground. What we do with that ground is what matters. What matters is that we hold steady in the winds of change and stay true to who we are when the storms end.

My life has been anything but easy and there are moments where I look up and say “why me?” I didn’t choose this life, it chose me. I am the human Bermuda Triangle and I always brace myself for hurricanes. I have built up walls to hide the hurt and to keep people out. My heart it’s been broken and patched a time or two. I am afraid that if I put it out there it will get sucked right back into the triangle.

Survivor, that’s a term I hear over and over again. I want to be more than a survivor. I want to be more than a grieving mother, friend and fiancé. I want to be more than broken. Broken is what people see when they look at me. I am strong and mighty on the outside, but on the inside its a different story. I live with one foot in the now and one in the past. Emotions, I am not good at dealing with them. I tuck them in my back pocket and march on.

I cannot out run my emotions, or the heart ache, or the fact that I survived, and definitely not my past. In order to move on I need to face the very things that made me who I am. I need to embrace the very things that terrify me and to realize that I too am human. I, I need to face my shit and deal with my neatly pocketed emotions.

When I deal with the past, face the ugly, and own my shit I will be able to face myself. I want to have healthy long lasting relationships. I want to actually connect with a man on a deep you know all my secrets kind of level, and to stop pushing my dearest friends away when I feel they are to close.

Year 32 is going to be the year of been there, done that, and I owned my shit. It’s not going to be easy, yet I am not scared. My family and friends are cheering me on and all of them think owning my shit is a good idea.

After all in five short years I had a stroke, lost a child, got a divorce, lost friends, fell in love, lost my fiancé, got sick, and yea the list goes on………. It’s time to face all of those things and to deal with the emotions of the past. I am finally ready to face what’s in my back pocket and mostly I am ready to face myself.

{PERSPECTIVE} 10 Years of Have Bear Will Travel

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10 yearsTen years ago today I boarded a plane with 67 strangers bound for Glasgow Scotland. The only thing I knew was “I’m going to Scotland and will live in a palace.” Everything else was left up to fate. That trip lead me to start havebearwilltravel.com. It was my attempt to stay connected to friends and family back home. I wanted a place where I could share my adventures in real-time. Scotland was only the beginning, it was my starting point to an amazing adventure.

I got to travel Europe, attend the Edinburgh Tattoo, saw the Queen at the Highland games, and there is nothing like spotting a hairy coo in your front yard. I went looking for Nessie, but came up empty-handed, pub crawls, yea I’ve gotta few under my belt, art was a plenty, ghosts were all around, the underground can’t be beat, Rosslyn Chapel is way prettier in person, and if you listen you just might hear the footsteps of giants. I was an intern with the New Scottish Parliament, they thought it would be highly entertaining for me to give tours of the building to school children and tack stacks of papers.

Scotland truly was one hell of an adventure and I now have a place to call “Home” in the Midlothians. Once I returned home I continued to blog about my adventures and encouraged others to step out side of their comfort zones. Funny thing, little did I know that this blog would see me through thick and thin. It has been my outlet to the world, a place for me to gain perspective, encourage others, and a place for me to write my story.

Looking back I did a lot of incredibly amazing shit, so amazing that I have to stop and think “yea you actually did that!” Ten years ago I had no idea where life would take me or what the future would hold. I am a firm believer that everything should be left up to fate. Fate will never fail us and as long as we believe, she will come through. I’ve been married, became a step mom, had a pulmonary embolism and a stroke, became a mama, got a divorce, quit my job, found my voice, fell in love, said good-bye, and hello.

I am literally in awe of my life. I have walked the beaches of Sardinia, stood on Mount Tibidabo, sailed the canals of Venice, climbed the pyramids of Egypt, zip corded through the jungles of Belize, set sail on the high seas, collected sea shells in Mexico, panned for gold in Alaska, and shopped in Morocco. I have stood on three of the seven continents and hopefully will see the remaining four before I die. My soul needs to travel this world and as long as I am able I will always choose GO.

Go? Alfred who is now a very ratty teddy bear still goes wherever I go. He is after all the “bear” in Have Bear Will Travel. That ratty old teddy bear has seen me through the good, the bad, the ugly, and the down right hilarious moments of my life. We never grow up, we just tuck our teddy into our suit cases and no one is none the wiser. I will carry that ratty teddy bear with me until the day I die.

If I could go back 10 years I will tell my 21-year-old self to enjoy the journey and to live in the moment. Moments make us who we are, without them we are books with blank pages. I would tell her to hold on tight because you are going to have more potholes than smooth pavement. That life can be cruel and unfair. That she will endure heartache, turmoil, and fight for her life, only to say goodbye to a son who never walked the earth. Mostly I would tell her” “You are stronger than you could ever imagine and to not worry about law school, you will change the world without a law degree.”