Category Archives: life lessons

Hope: Everyone Deserves The Right To Tie The Knot

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I love the constitution as much as the next paralegal/lawyer. I love the fact that our country was created on its principles. That a group of men had a vision, a vision of a land where everyone was equal and free. As our country grew, so did our constitution. Amendments are a beautiful thing, they gave women the right to vote and made people of color equal citizens. It clearly states that State and church shall remain separate.

Separate is an understatement. All to often our law makers and even our president blur the lines between church and state. It disgust me to no end that people are using our beloved constitution as a weapon in a which hunt. A which hunt that will not end at creating amendments banning gay marriage. We are a country built on dreams, hopes, and ideas. One man knew that this could be the place, the land of equality and freedom. Thousands of men fought and died to protect our freedoms, to protect our way of life. An I will be damned if their deaths do not stand for something. They paid the ultimate price. The price so that we could be free.

I am a very proud God Mother to my God Daughter Rose. I remember the day T & C came to me and asked me to write a recommendation to the adoption agency on their behalf. I didn’t think twice. I told T & C that it would be an honor, an honor to help these two men become fathers. A child doesn’t care if you are gay or straight. As long as you show them love, love is all they need. An it doesn’t matter if that love comes from same-sex parents or heterosexual parents. Its love! Plain and simple it comes down to love!

Rose is a beautiful little girl. T & C love her without question, they are the two most amazing parents you will ever meet. To see the love they have for Rose is amazing. She is the best dressed little girl I know. I stood proudly next to T & C at the baptismal font. I took a vow that I would protect and raise Rose with everything that I had and would teach her about God. I once got in trouble in college for making this statement “If we are all made in the image of God, then well part of God is gay too.” I got a lot of heat for that statement, but I still believe in it. God does not turn his back on people. People turn their backs on people. We lose hope.

Hope. Is what I see when I look at T, C, and Rose. A beautiful wild Hope that shows we are moving in the right direction. Yet, so many want to hinder our Hope. They believe that same-sex couple should not marry. It breaks my heart, it truly does. My hope is to stand at T & C’s side as they say I do. Just like I did at the baptismal font. I want to cheer them on, throw rice in their hair, and party down at their wedding. This should not go to a vote. We are Minnesotans, people know us for our manners, for our visions, and mostly we are a people of Hope.

So it is my HOPE that you will reach out to someone who is gay and tell them I AM BEHIND YOU. Let them know that you have hope, hope that they will one day gain the right to marry. Rose deserves to live in a world where her parents can marry. She deserves to know a world of HOPE and to put this hate behind her. Rose is T & C’s greatest joy and that joy knows no boundaries.

Little Girls Don’t Grow Up….They Just Put on High Heels

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My Mama always said: “There will always be people who will try to bring you down. Who want to dim your light and silence you by fear. You, my dear will stand up for yourself and fight for what you believe is right.”

I realize that in life some people never change. That ignorance prevails and instead of understanding, they lie to make their way. Lying gets no one anywhere, only the truth with set you free. A former coworker of mine made my life miserable. She verbally attacked me and threatened my life. A threat that was to keep me from speaking to anyone about an email to her husband. I personally didn’t care what it said. I personally don’t care about her little married life.

It amazes me how ignorant people can be. This Kansas girl said to me one day “Um did you know people who are infertile are more likely to kidnap children?” I told her that the statement wasn’t true. She looked at me and said “Google it!” I am sorry but infertile couples or infertile individuals are not likely to kidnap children. You lied when our boss called you out on it, You cried fake tears and said “Oh my God I can’t believe you would say something like that. I never said it to you.” Well Kansas girl if you never said it then why did you send me an email apologizing for the comment? Good question isn’t it.

Questions remain. I will always wonder what made you target me. Is it because I had a real life. A life filled with friends, cocktails, and meaning. Were you jealous because I’ve traveled, dated, and have a college degree. I will never understand it. All I know is that people believed your lies. Liars like you always crumble and fall into the wind. You will be nothing and your lies will catch up to you. Thats right I told management what you did. I do not take things lying down. I am a fighter until the last second counts.

Mostly I feel bad for you. Bad, because you couldn’t speak the truth. That you feel the need to make others miserable in order to make yourself look and feel better. I understand that you are simple and that you haven’t lived a life of meaning. You stick to your ways, but one day your ways will catch up to you. An at that moment you will have to stand before God and answer for your wrongs.

Just remember that all women, including the strong ones, are just little girls wearing high heels. That we are in this together. Each one of us is making our way in a mans world. Instead of crushing each other with our stilettos, we should be lifting each other up. You, Miss. Kansas, no one will lift you up when you are down, because even little girls can see a bad apple on the play ground.

Hydro………..What?

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Ninjas lets all say it together “Hydroponics.”

I first learned about hydroponics in my high school horticulture 101 class. It was me and a bunch of zit faced awkward teenage boys in that class. But, that is where my nerdiness showed for sustainable agriculture, forestry, and aquaculture.

Spring has finally arrived in Minnesota and that means its planting season. Well sort of, we’ve had a very cold spring and it doesn’t want to make me put my hands in the soil. So I’ve started my plants in doors with out soil.

What No soil? Trust me this isn’t star trek technology and no it’s not some new age science. Its called Hydroponics, a method of growing plants in a nutrient rich water solution instead of soil.

ADVANTAGES

Some of the reasons why hydroponics is being adapted around the world for food production are the following:

No soil is needed
The water stays in the system and can be reused – thus, lower water costs
It is possible to control the nutrition levels in their entirety – thus, lower nutrition costs
No nutrition pollution is released into the environment because of the controlled system
Stable and high yields
Pests and diseases are easier to get rid of than in soil because of the container’s mobility

DISADVANTAGES

The hydroponic conditions (presence of fertilizer and high humidity) create an environment that stimulates salmonella growth. Other disadvantages include pathogen attacks such as damp-off due to Verticillium wilt caused by the high moisture levels associated with hydroponics and over watering of soil based plants. Also, many hydroponic plants require different fertilizers and containment systems.

TECHNIQUES

The two main types of hydroponics are solution culture and medium culture. Solution culture does not use a solid medium for the roots, just the nutrient solution. The three main types of solution culture are static solution culture, continuous-flow solution culture and aeroponics. The medium culture method has a solid medium for the roots and is named for the type of medium, e.g., sand culture, gravel culture, or rockwool culture.

There are two main variations for each medium, sub-irrigation and top irrigation. For all techniques, most hydroponic reservoirs are now built of plastic, but other materials have been used including concrete, glass, metal, vegetable solids, and wood. The containers should exclude light to prevent algae growth in the nutrient solution.

I prefer the Ebb and flow or flood and drain subirrigation method of hydroponics. In its simplest form, there is a tray above a reservoir of nutrient solution. Either the tray is filled with growing medium (clay granules being the most common) and planted directly or pots of medium stand in the tray. At regular intervals, a simple timer causes a pump to fill the upper tray with nutrient solution, after which the solution drains back down into the reservoir. This keeps the medium regularly flushed with nutrients and air. Once the upper tray fills past the drain stop, it begins recirculating the water until the pump is turned off, and the water in the upper tray drains back into the reservoirs.

Hydroponics gives a solution to create a sustainable food source for the world population. A Minnesota company Bushel Boy Tomamtes is currently using hydroponics to grow their delicious bright red tomatoes. If one small company can harness the power of hydroponics to provide in season tomatoes to all Minnesotans. Imagine what you could do with this technology in your own lives. My parents grow herbs hydrologically throughout the winter. Everyone loves having fresh herbs at their finger tips.

So the next time you’re at the farmers market look for hydrologically grown fruits, veggies, and herbs. There out there, trust me. You may of just eaten a hydrologically grown plant for dinner. Heres to community supported agriculture and harnessing the power of hydroponics.

It Ended At The Opera

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When I met the Irs Man out side of the Ordway, his face didn’t light up nor did he great me warmly, he stood there tense. Anger came out at passing cars as we stood on the corner and dinner did nothing to melt the worried look in his eyes.

I knew during the second act of the opera that he and I were over. He sat next to me rigid and cold. This man who sat next to me, wasn’t the socially awkward one that I had laughed with, shared glances, and inside jokes with, he was different. He never came forward with what was on his mind. We saw each other Friday night for a drink and yet I knew that something was about to come. The weekend went without word from him.

Monday, it came. Sitting there in the glow of what he calls mood lighting (I call them christmas lights left up all year round.) he laid it out. He uttered the words, you deserve someone who lives in uptown, who wants to see you every day, someone who wants to text you, I…I don’t know if I can date anyone right now. I felt a slight ping in my heart, how long have you known I asked. He told me “I wanted to tell you on Thursday, but you were so excited about the opera, I didn’t want to ruin it for you.” I asked, then why didn’t you tell me on Friday? He said ” you had enough crappy stuff going on, I just didn’t want to add to it.” You should have told me, I said. You should have told me sooner, I knew something was wrong and up, when you drove to downtown instead of taking the bus that night. I knew something was going on.

It’s funny he thinks that texting is a huge part of my life. It is and it isn’t. At one time I clinged to my Blackberry these days I let messages pile up until I have time to respond. His preferred method of communication is though email, which is fine and dandy by me, that’s just one less ping on my phone begging my attention. An that I deserve someone who texts me, I could care less if you or anyone texts me. I personally don’t need a man who texts, I need a man who will put up with my ninja antics and crazy spur of the moment adventures.

Honestly I don’t need a man who lives in uptown or one that needs to see me every day. My life is crazy, I crave my alone time and prefer to step outside uptown, some days its way to small. In reality men who need to see the woman they date every day drive me nuts, I crave my own space and reveal in the fact that I do not need a man to define me. If I know you like me and we see each other once a week, that’s awesome. Awesome, because I get the best of both worlds, my independence and the man. It’s a win, win.

I know his reasons seem silly. Yet the Irs Man is under a lot of stress trying to finish his Second Masters Degree. Go Irs Man Go! I think in this case he is letting the stress take over and over analyzing every detail right down to the last speck. Yet, part of me feels like he is selling himself short, that in his eyes he isn’t good enough for me. That if he stays he may become a stumbling block. He told me once “I don’t want to be the reason you stay here, I don’t want to be the one who holds you back.” No, Irs Man, you are not a stumbling block or a reason to stay. You are someone who is propelling me forward, reigniting my spark for international travel and service. Who else is going to talk about CSAs, hydroponics, and the opera all in the same sentence with me.

My advise for the Irs Man is this “Never let fear guide you or over take you. Stop selling yourself short, you…..you have a lot to give to this world and you have the power to shape lives. All you have to do is believe, believe in yourself and never, say never. Sometimes when we over think and analyze we lose faith in the process and muck up the journey. It’s best to let things be and to go with the flow. The flow will never steer you wrong.”

For now we have decided to step back and just be friends. Whatever happens, will happen, and I will trust in the journey. Either way I am sure that crazy conversations detailing hipsters, CSAs, politics, and the arts will ensue.

Man At The Bar

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A wise old Indian named Grandpa Bob once told me this story. It is one that I cherish to this day and keeps his memory alive for me.

He said to me one day through his coke bottle glasses. “AmandaJean at the end of our lives we are all sitting at the bar drinking a beer.”

Some of us are sitting there crying in our beer because our lives are filled with regrets, with should of, would of, could of, regrets of chances not taken, and roads not traveled. Because they didn’t really live, they died while living.

Down at the Other end there is an old man with a group of people gathered around him, he is laughing and having a good time. Telling these people the stories of his life. Of his adventures, his love and the big fish that had gotten away. This man he had lived a full life and was ready to die.

In the end I want to be the old man laughing in his beer, the one with all of the tales. That is why I jump at every opportunity I get, because when the end is near you will never again have the chance to live, there are no do overs, just one road that we must all choose to walk on. An I choose the path of adventure that will lead to the stories at the bar.

The Three Fs

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The three Fs help me through every situation and make life worth living. What are they you ask? Its simple: Faith, Family and Friends.

FAITH

I was raised in a primarily Lutheran/Catholic town, with a sprinkle of Methodist. I was part of the sprinkles.

At a young age I learned what God was and how he could either save you or leave you. Mostly I learned that its mind of matter. At the tender age of 4 I understood God and was thankful to him because he, he had saved me so I could play with my Barbie’s.

My Father is the most religious man I know, he can quote the Bible like no buddies business. Yet he has rarely set foot in a church outside of weddings and funerals. He taught me that God Lives in our hearts, not in the brick and mortar that we flock to. That God is in the water, the air, the trees, he is in everything. I just had to open my eyes and listen. On the other hand my Mom made sure we went to church every Sunday, minus my Father, he was allowed to stay home and watch GI Joe. ( I was mad because I loved that cartoon and didn’t get to watch it) Instead I had to wear a stuffy itchy dress and sit in church, all while knowing GI Joe was on at home.

GI Joe would be the least of my worries in life. I have come to find my spiritual self. My faith is strong and its something I have mish mashed together. Combining the spiritual beliefs of my Ojibway side and mixing it with a sprinkle of Methodist. I just call my concoction Faith so strong it sets your heart on fire. Honestly, I know God exist, in those dark quite times, he’s there with us and when the sun shines he whispers in our ear “Go Ninja Go!”

FAMILY

What can I say I love my family through and through. They are my foundation, my base, an anchor to my soul. My Mama tells me “I didn’t raise you, you….you raised yourself. Your father and I were just lucky enough to be along for the ride.” Its true I did practically raise myself with their help of course. I listen to their advice, heed their warnings, and do what I want regardless. They pick me up when I fall and cheer me on as I rise.

My Mama is one of the most courageous women I know. She came from a poor farm family of 10 kids, they had nothing. Yet, she had a desire to create something better, to do better, and be better. My Mother she…she was one of the first women in Minnesota to hold a heavy equipment drivers license. Yup, she was! She was a first and she drove that dump truck better than a man ever could. She always told me that women can do what ever they want in life. An to never let a MAN tell you, you can’t. Because you can. My Mama has had many careers in her life which lead her from the coal yard, to health care and eventually the kitchen. She no longer drives a dump truck, hasn’t done it in years, today she’s wielding a tongs and shouting orders in the kitchen.

Now my Daddy he’s like a cat! The man has 9 lives, nothing can get him down. Its funny I don’t call my Father, Dad. I call him Pete. Pete isn’t even his real name, but to me he is and always will be Pete. My father is some what of a legend in Red Wing. I’m not sure if any of the old stories are true. However I am certain that he had to do something pretty good to earn the nick name “The Animal.” I’ve seen men quake in their boots at his meer presence in a grocery store, the gas pump and so on. If only they saw him today, he is a shadow of his former self. I got two things from Pete, My curly hair and my A.D.D “its a family tradition.”

When I was a little girl Pete would take me fishing, we never caught anything, yet I cherish those moments and memories that he gave me. I learned everything I know about trimming trees, growing plants, and orchards from my Father. Those are handy skills to have. Unlike most Fathers, Pete took an active role in raising my sister and I. He was a stay at home Dad. My mama she wore the pants, brought home the bacon and Pete, well he cooked it. Watered down Koolaide and steak were his dinner specialties. Winter was never his thing, spring and summer where the seasons he cherished. On cool summer nights he’d let us sit in the back of the old Ford pick up truck as he drove through the countryside, the breeze whipping my curls as I slurped my slushy. Nothing mattered, it was just me, Pete, and my dreams.

They say a parents success in life is judged by the success of their children. I’d say my parents are pretty darn succesful and I’ve got the ninja skills to prove it!

FRIENDS

Life is more fun when spent with friends. Friends come and go, but they always leave an impression on your soul. I have more BFFs than I can count and love every single one of my friends like family. They keep me sane, listen to me whine, and laugh when I fall. They only laugh because I probably tripped over a crack or something. We dry each others tears, live like were dying and laugh until our stomachs hurt. It’s nice to know that I’ve got friends all over the globe and that no matter where I go, I always have a place to stay. My BFF Joy said it best “Know that no matter where you go in this world, what happens, and what you do, you always have a home with me.”

I hope you have the three Fs in your life. Without the three Fs life isn’t a journey worth taking. If you lose faith, just remember that deep inside there is a ninja and when you don’t think you can go on. Slip on your suit, let that ninja take over, and let your kung fu fly. Lean on your family, if you don’t like your family make your own. I hope you have more friends than you will ever need in this world. Friends truly make this place brighter.

Infertility = A Broken Dream with Options

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Ever since I can remember I’ve always had this feeling that I would never have my own children. As a little girl I was obsessed with cabbage patch kids and pound puppies because you could adopt them.

After my miscarriage my cycle never returned to normal. In which the doctors told me that it was normal and would take sometime to balance out. In February I had a bunch of test done, an ultra sound, and some other things. The results came back a few weeks later, I never went in to find out. Part of me knew it wasn’t good. So I just put it off.

Put it off until last week, sitting in a waiting room full of new moms glowing with pride and some looked like they were going to burst. I felt a tug and some how knew, that this would never be in my cards. Is it just me or are exam rooms always freezing. The doctor he came in and looked at me with sadness. He said ” I’m Sorry that I have no good news for you today. ” Swallowing hard I looked at him and said “Give it to me straight, no sugar-coating please.” He did just that, he flat-out said “I’m sorry but you will never carry a child.” I could feel the tears welling in my eyes, it took everything in me not to let them fall. The explanations were given, the odds were not in my favor, and the only child I would ever carry is in heaven. I told the doctor “I feel cheated and like someone robbed me of my options.” He just put his hand on my knee and said “You can always adopt or have a surrogate carry for you.” Looking blankly out the window, I told him ” I know, I know.”

My appointment was over, in a matter of 45 minutes my dream was crushed, ripped in two, and stomped on. I felt like the wind was sucked out of me and that I was some how a terrible woman. As I put the prius into drive, the tears they finally came rolling down. All I could think of was running, running far away, that some how it was all a dream. It wasn’t a dream. I did what any woman would. I fixed my make up and went into work, I acted like nothing had changed, yet on the inside I was crushed.

Crushed that this was my new normal. A life without fertility. I mourned, got mad, and then realized there’s a whole world out there waiting. I am not yet at a place in my life where I am ready to adopt or interview surrogates. So I am going to take time for me and finally put myself first. Along with many dreams that I put on hold, a big dream was to join the peace corps. Someone said “your only running away from your infertility, spending 27 months abroad isn’t going to make the problem go away.’ I’m not looking to erase the problem, I have to live with a no good rejected uterus every day, I can’t escape it and it , it can’t escape me.

I let my mind wonder as I walked around Calhoun. Actually wonder to the hmm what would life be like without children place. I could 1. travel a ton, 2. go to law school, pass the bar and become one heck of a lawyer, 3. join the peace corps, 4. I could have a flexible schedule. Then I thought, hmm I am 28 and since my uterus is all ready broken, I have no biological clock to worry about. Maybe when I am 40 I will think about adoption, yup when I am 40 I will maybe adopt. Slowly I am allowing my mind to travel to the life without children place and at first it was scary, but now its a cooling calm.

A calm that I am ok with, truly and honestly I am ok with it. One friend said to me: “Um AmandaJean you’re not datable anymore.” looking puzzled I asked “how the heck is that.” Her response “men like women who can have their babies and well you can’t.” Umm I am pretty sure I can find someone who doesn’t wants kids, can’t have them, or thinks adoption is an option. I am not worried one bit, heck marriage is for the birds, I’ve been down that road once and it didn’t go well. Plus I don’t need a man or a child to define who I am, I am a woman, one heck of a woman and that comforts me.

Uncharted Plans

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Planning is one thing I am good at. I can plan my life out right down to the finest detail. Yet, nothing I do ever goes according to plan.

I’ve learned over the years that plans are meant to be broken. That if you plan out every detail of your life, you lose your sense of wonder, and never learn to veer.

It was always my plan to go to law school, never get married, and maybe one day I’d adopt. It’s funny how at 23 I took a flying leap of that train, got married, gave up law school, and well became a step mom. A housewife is something I could never be, I never felt fulfilled or complete. The x he knew this and tried to fill in the void, he never really understood that I gave up a dream for him. At 27, I put myself first for once and moved on. On to a better day and a new time for me.

People ask will you get married again. The answer is maybe, but most likely not. For some reason I find comfort in knowing that I am free to walk away and not be bound by paper. Divorce is messy, breaking up is hard, yet cleaner and less expensive than a divorce.

My parents were only married for 1 year, got an annulment and have been living together happily unmarried for 35 years. That right there stands for something, maybe they have it right. Maybe marriage is for the birds.

One thing I know is, I want a relationship like theirs. 35 years of stories, tears, laughter, and adventure. I do not want a ring or a certificate to define me or my love for who ever my future partner is.

The Other Shoe Dropped

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I’ve come to know in my 28 years on this planet that life never goes smoothly. Just when things are falling into place and the feelings of normal set in. A curve ball comes crashing through.

One day I am perfectly fine and dandy. The next it can be turbulent and filled with the unknown. I should be use to this by now. As a person living with a Kidney disease you never know what you are going to wake up to and how you will feel. Most days go by without incident or thought, then there are the days like Monday.

Monday, brought the what ifs back. Sitting at Park Nicollet, I knew what was wrong and how it needed to be fixed. The doctor he just looked at me and said its bad. Six hours later I walked out of there with a sore arm and back from the injection sites, an rx for more antibiotics and vicodin. He advised me to rest as much as possible and to push the fluids through.

This is my normal, a normal I’ve come to love and hate. It is what it is, I can’t change the hand I was dealt nor will my disease magically disappear. For me, it has made me humble and reminds me that each day that I wake up healthy is truly a gift.

Communication

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It’s hard to remember a time where I didn’t text, tweet, or Facebook the moments of my life. Maybe as humans we are a little to connected. So connected in fact that we no longer have the ability to miss someone because they are always at our finger tips. I’m not gonna lie I use more text messages per month than I do minutes, phone calls somewhat annoy me. Yet, I call my father every day, mostly because he can’t text and thinks twitter is something for the birds. Realizing that I normally rush my father off the phone in a rude hurry, today I actually listened.

It came up in conversation the other day that maybe we are to connected to each other. When dating I often send a few texts to show that I am interested. In the past when I haven’t done this, the men fire back with, “so are you not into me? Why aren’t you texting?” Maybe these men were just lazy or so hungry for human touch, they craved the ping of their phone. That some how my texts proved to them that they were desirable and needed.

I have finally met the other end of the spectrum. Someone who can survive and still like me without the constant battle of text messages flying back and forth. Today was the first day in a long time, that I didn’t really tweet or text. Best part is my world didn’t fall apart and I wasn’t constantly glancing at the Blackberry. Maybe this man, will help me unplug from my way to connected life.