{Weight Watchers} Thinking Outside of the Grocery Store

I spend my bus ride to and from work scrolling through the Weight Watchers Connect feature. People post about their struggles, their triumphs, and mostly their relationship with food. On how they would eat their feelings and stressors. Some admit that eating brings them the pleasure that their lives are lacking. One woman said “a pint of ice cream never gave me a nasty stare.” Some ate out of boredum. In their words it dawned on me that so many Americans have a terrible relationship with food. For many it stems from their up brining and using food to cope. 

I’d like to believe that our eating habits reflect our up brining and life style. For me food was always available. My parents were eating organic before organic was a buzz word that graced grocery shelves. Every fall my parents would get a hog from Huttles in Lake city and vegetables/fruit from a meat locker in Downsville. It was a big day when the call came the our bacon and ham was ready for pick up. We had two chest freezers, you know the big ones that you can hide a body in. One was filled with pork and the other fruit,  vegetables, and ice cream. As my parents loaded the freezers I would play in the empty boxes while begging “can we have tater tots!?” 

My parents made sure that my tiny hands touched the soil. A good part of my childhood was spent tending to our small orchard and the fruit trees at our house in town. My dad taught me how to plant, trim and care for our trees. In the fall the picked apples and pears went to Ms. Dorothy. When I think of Ms. Dorothy I think of summer afternoons picking cucumbers, tomatoes, and preparing dill bundles for drying. Ms. Dorothy is the reason I have an obsession with mason jars. She taught me how to can vegetables and fruit, to make jam, apple sauce, and soup. Ms. Dorothy and my parents brought the farm to my childhood table. 

As a child the grocery store wasn’t fun, the only thing my Mama bought was milk, bread, juice, Shasta, and cereal. I would try and sneak canned ravioli and pasta into her cart, she always caught me, took it out and said “no.” I would get so mad because all of my friends were eating canned food and boxed Mac & Cheese, I wanted to eat like they did. It didn’t matter how much I whined, I never got it. Mainly this was for my own health. 

Back in the 80’s food labels held little to no valuable information.  Canned and boxed prepared foods were loaded with salt. Sodium was the enemy in our house, my kidneys couldn’t handle it and my body was still healing from bladder reconstruction surgery. At one time all I could keep down was yogurt and jello. Trust me I have eaten more jello and yogart, than one soul can handle. Fish was a staple, until an eye ball appeared in my fish sandwich. Vegetables, I have a non existent relationship with vegetables. If it’s a root vegetable I will eat it, but you will not see me sit down to a salad. Salads are for rabbits, not humans. My Mama often made two meals, one family and a separate bland meal for me. 

Even when I was given a clean bill of health, we still stuck to the low sodium no processed food regime. In college I was finally away from my parents and you guessed it I bought canned ravioli……. they were disgusting, same with boxed Mac & Cheese. I have never eaten Ramen or a Twinki, I am probably the only American who has achieved this feat. Over the years I have gained and lost weight. My weight gain was not due to my eating habits, but my lack of activity and the medications I was taking. Add in two pregnancies…. then you get the picture. 

The fore mentioned is what brought me to Weight Watchers. Over the past month I have been asking myself “do you eat for comfort? Do you eat because you are bored?” The answer to both  questions is no. For me food is nourishment and not comfort. Don’t get me wrong I love me some comfort food! Many ladies eat because they are stressed or emotional. When I am stressed food is the last thing I want. I rather take a nap or veg out on the couch. If I’m emotional, I want to nap with my dog, not food.

Food doesn’t define me, I define it. My farm to table upbringing has a huge impact on my relationship with food and choices. I stray away from microwave meals, canned goods, Tyson products, and artificial flavorings/sweeteners. Sure I look at pop tarts and granola bars longingly, but I know they are not good for me. Cupcakes and I well let’s just say I can’t have just one, so I don’t even bother to bring them home. Same goes for cookies, cookies stay on the shelf. For me it’s knowing what triggers a slippery slope down fall. Those triggers stay at the store, where they belong. 

It takes a lot of strength and will power to pass up the bakery department and center isles of the store. All of the good stuff lies on the edges. Even better the freshest food lives at your local farmers market or butcher. Don’t be defined by your grocery store, think outside of the store and buy from your local farmers. 

{Mother’s Day} STILL A Mother, My Babies You Will Always Be 


I walked past the shelves of neatly organized Mother’s Day cards and past banners  reminding me that it was on May 8th. Commercials on the radio quickly tell me I need to hurry in and by my Mother a gift, it seems mothers like strands of pearls not fancy brunch dates. Or so that is what the owner of a jewelry store thinks. I change the radio every time the ads come on and I look to the ground as I bust past the cards, for Mother’s Day is not for me. 

Mother’s Day brings on a slew of emotions and serves as a reminder that my babies are not will me. Last year on Mother’s Day a bright blue plus sign told me I was pregnant. Excitement was replaced with an unsettled fear and I tried to show joy, it was hard. I had been on this road before and my heart it did not want to get attached to the life that was inside. My heart she was right, the ultrasound revealed an empty sac, two sperm fertilized one egg they said. To many chromosomes and we said goodbye to Baby E on 7/7/15. 

As a Mother I have faith that some how Baby E found his/her big brother in heaven. That Lucia and Baby E are together causing trouble and watching over me. Lucia would be six this year and Baby E would have been almost four months old. My heart aches for my children, I got cheated out of my son and who Baby E was meant to be. 

Right now I would have a first grader on my hands, I wonder what he would look like, would he have my blue eyes and curly hair or would he have the Jewish features of his father? Mostly I  wonder what his voice and laughter would sound like. If he would come running to me yelling “mommy mommy mommy” with a bug in his hands all covered in dirt. Or if he would be the unadventurous type who quietly watched the world around him. One day I will see my son, faith tells me that I will and when I do his voice will be the sweetest sound my soul has ever heard.

Baby E would have been almost 4 months. I wonder if Baby E would have been a girl or a boy. Jay and I were secretly hoping for a girl, we really wanted a daughter, we would have gladly taken a boy too. I wonder if Baby E would have slept through the night or kept us awake, what his/her gummy smile would look like, and if they would have had a lot of hair or been a baldy. If they would have been a good eater or a finicky one. I wonder if he/she would have felt heavy in my arms and the softness of their body against my chest. One day I will see Baby E and hold him or her in my arms.

My babies you will always be. There are no cards for Mothers like me. We as a society do not like to talk about Mothers who have lost children. It’s like we are a dirty little secret and we are looked upon as inadequate. We are STILL mothers. We did not chose to loose our children, God, he made that choice for us. Maybe God knows it takes one hell of a woman to be the mother of an angel. My children died, plain and simple they are gone, and that fact does not take away my Motherhood card. My heart aches and it wonders, it looks on at you and thinks “one day that will be me, one day that WILL be me.” 

Rainbows are special, they elude us, but if you are lucky and you manage to catch one hold on to it tightly. For there are many women who would gladly chase that rainbow until it lays heavy in her arms. 

{Lucia} April Fools’….Hello Baby

  
Thursday April 1, 2010 started out like a normal day. Until I checked in at the INR clinic it didn’t even dawn on me that it was April Fools’ Day. The nurses asked me if I had played any jokes yet, I said “nope I forgot it was April 1st.” They laughed. The nurses and I have gotten to know each other pretty darn well. They’ve seen my bright shiny face three times a week since October 2009. I knew the routine by heart. Prick my finger, push blood on to the card, stick card into the machine, go talk to the nurse. Nurse checks blood pressure and pulse, asks “do you have any bruises or cuts?” Questions I always said no to. 

The other nurse came into the office with an excited yet very concerned look on her face, my INR level was far above the therapeutic range. They explained that I could have a possible internal bleed or worse a clot. The on call doctor said I needed a CT scan and that I should head to the hospital. With those words they called ahead and let me go. I didn’t have to wait long at the hospital and soon I was peeing in a cup for the obligatory pregnancy test and urine screen. I waited for what seemed like forever, but really it was like 20 minutes. I could hear the doctors talking and the nurses saying oh wow that’s exciting. Not knowing the exciting thing was in store for me. 

Soon the doctor appeared and told me “we are not doing a CT today, we are going to get an ultrasound instead. We probably won’t see anything as you are most likely early. It’s still fun to check.” None of this registered in my head, not one word, I let it breeze by and hopped up on the exam table. The ultrasound tech apologized for the cold gel and she began her scan. The doctor was again saying “she’s early, we won’t see………whoa she’s farther along……! Did you know you were pregnant!?” Still the words didn’t sink in, I looked at him shocked “what do you mean I’m pregnant.” He turns the monitor around and there it was, a baby on the screen. I looked at them both and said “ha ha April fools’, right!?” They laughed and said “no Hun, this is real.” 

One ultrasound sent my world into a tizzy. You see if you are on warfarin sodium it’s not recommended that you become pregnant as the medication could cause damage to the developing fetus or worse internal bleeding. I was quickly switched from warfarin to lovenox and taken off a couple of medications. Everything happened so fast and we were constantly told “you are not out of the woods yet. Because of the warfarin sodium use, your son could be born with birth defects and be lovenox dependent. My heart hurt knowing this, knowing that a medication meant to save me could hurt my child. If only I had known that I was pregnant I could have stopped the warfarin sooner and switched to the baby safe lovenox. 

Lucia’s heart was strong and he was measuring as he should. Things started looking up and I allowed myself to become hopeful for the life within me. He was a warrior just like his mama and together we were going to thrive and survive. Tortoise and the Hare was my nursery theme, a traveler bob was purchased and maternity clothes became my new jam. I was one of those lucky ladies who showed right away. People though I was further along that I was. I was glowing and so very happy. Lucia was the calm to my storm, proof that good still exists in this world and I was counting down the days until we said hello. 

Lucia was never meant to be mine. On Tuesday May 11, 2010 I heard the words no woman wants to hear “I’m sorry, there is no longer a heart beat.” My baby was gone. The wind was sucked out of my sails and I was broken. This wasn’t suppose to happen, not to me, I had survived the unthinkable, Lucia was to be my calm after the storm. I was angry with God, broken and sad. Scott was in Las Vegas, I called him to tell him the news,  I asked him to come home. He said “no, it would be to expensive to change my ticket.” I had to go through this alone. Alone, no woman should have to do this alone, but I did. 

Decisions had to be made, because of the blood thinners I could not deliver on my own. In a fog I decided on surgery, Sherri without hesitation stood by me and was with me the whole way. We didn’t talk much on the way to the hospital, we made small talk, it was hard we knew why we were headed there. I held back tears as best as I could, so much paper work needed to be filled out and The staff kept asking “do you know why you are here today?” Every time they asked me that I wanted to punch them and run away. Sherri held on to my rings and waited for me to come out of surgery. She did what no friend should ever have to do and for that I will never be able to repay her. Sherri is truly the best friend a girl could ever ask for. 

April Fools’ is bitter sweet. I am reminded of seeing Lucia for the first time and being told I was pregnant. I can tell you this when I went home from the hospital I stopped off at Target and bought a boat load of pregnancy tests. I think I took 10 before it really sunk in that I was indeed pregnant. After Lucia died I was told “no more babies for you.” At first I struggled and then I came to terms with my fate, that adoption would be my best option. 

That is until On May 10,2015, I was late. I gave myself a pep talk and bought a test. The stick quickly told me “pregnant.” I sat on my bathroom floor in disbelief. Me pregnant, no way! Almost 5 years to the day that I found out Lucia was gone. I thought this was  sure fire sign that this baby was meant to be. I was wrong again and on July 7, 2015 I once again became a mother to an Angel. Two sperm fertilized one egg, to many chromosomes they said. Baby E was never meant to be and I am comforted knowing that my babies are together in heaven, waiting for the mama. 

Pregnancy tests are not a joke to me, they are a trigger. They remind me that I will likely never see a beautiful plus sign or double lines again. My chances of becoming a Mama are slim. My hormones are in check, I am healthy, yet my anatomy is broken. My uterus and cervix are not lined up, this is why in 2010 they ripped a whole in fore mentioned organs. The doctor says we need really determined sperm who can navigate my jumbled mess of a reproductive system or my best chance is to bypass the jumbled mess called a cervix via IUI. I am not ready for intervention, for now I will let fate play her cards and chart my course. I have to believe that motherhood is in my cards and that one day I will catch my rainbow. 

So before you post that silly test think of me. I am not the only woman in your life who has lost a child. Many are to hurt or ashamed to talk about their loses, a loss is a loss no matter how far along you were. You will always be a mama to a baby in heaven.

{Charlie} Death, A Lifetime Ago

  It’s strange to say that, it feels like Charlie died a lifetime ago. Then there are days where it feels just like yesterday. Grief is funny one moment can propel you forward and another can bring you right back to that moment. The moment when your heart broke. 

He died in surgery before I even had a chance to hold his hand. Winter prevented me from getting out to NY. In my heart I know he spared me the pain of seeing him with wires and monitors beeping, he wanted me to remember him as he was and not what he was. 

With tear stained eyes I walked into the Ivy, turned the key in the lock, as I turned on the light my soul was waiting for Charlie to be sleeping on the couch. That wasn’t so, everything looked lonely and felt cold. I carefully packed his final outfit in my suitcase and gathered momentos for his casket. Connect four, blacks law, a photo of the muppet like dog, and pieces of sea glass. My heart grew heavy as I neatly packed each item, they were his things, Charlie’s life fit to perfectly in my suitcase.

As I boarded the plane I fought back tears, in that moment it became real. Real, that I was flying out to NY to help plan my fiancé’s funeral. It felt like an eternity, I stared out at blackness, the sun had yet to pierce the sky. I wanted to be a part of it, to not feel, to not hurt, just to blend in and be apart of the darkness that surrounded the plane. The pilot announced “30 minutes to JFK.” I wanted the plane to keep going, because if it didn’t land then Charlie, he didn’t really die.

It landed just as planes always do. I slowly made my way through the terminals and collected my bags. Charlie’s uncle was waiting for me, he pulled me close and the tears began to fall. In that moment it was real, Charlie had died and my heart broke all over again. His uncle knew what my suitcase held and he brought me to the funeral home. I carefully unpacked his clothes from my suitcase and tearfully handed them to the director. The director put his arm around me and said “you will get through this.”

He was right, I did some how by the grace of God get through it. Charlie’s funeral was a beautiful celebration of his life and now he peacefully rests at Conor’s side. A piece of my heart lies in a tiny Mantowc cemetery, there it will always rest. When I walked away my world was shattered and my heart was broken. I honestly felt like I would never love again, because love is messy and painful. Love means having to say goodbye one day.

Yet with each passing day my heart began to heal. I let myself hurt and walked out the anger. Charlie is with me always, I feel him when I walk the beach, he is in each piece of glass I collect and I know he would want me to move on. The land of what if is not a place to live or dwell, life it goes on and we have to move on too. Moving on was easier said then done.

In November 2014 my heart was truly ready. Ready to fall, ready to feel and give. Charlie was my northern star pushing me to the one I was meant to be with. One date at Pizza Lucé lead to another and another. I didn’t know it at the time but, Jay was exactly what my heart needed. With each day I grew to love him for who he was and not something he would never be. I accepted his flaws, his quirks, and his bitchy cat. Together we have Baby E who rests in heaven with my son Lucia. In July Jay made it official and asked me to be his wife. A tourmaline ring rests on my finger and I couldn’t be happier. This is the life I was meant to have. 

  

This is the life Charlie would want me to have, one filled with love, laughter, dirty jokes, travel, and mostly life. 

{I Am A Mother} To An Angel is NOT supportive of all Moms

  After we lost baby E, I was searching for a connection with other angel mommies and a friend suggested I follow the “I am a mother to an Angel” Facebook page. I took up her suggestion and hit like, I also joined the private group “Awaiting Rainbows: TTC after a loss.” The  ladies in this group were lovely and it let me know I wasn’t the only one struggling to catch a rainbow. 

Five years ago I was treading the waters of grief on my own, none of my friends had lost babies before and no one understood my journey. You never get over the death of a child, you just learn how to live with it. My heart has a hole and his name is Lucia, it became bigger on the day Baby E joined him in heaven. Never in a million years did I think I would have two children in heaven, their deaths were decided the moment I was born, it was written in the cards and fate she is the only one who knows what my hand holds. I no longer question their departure and I will play my hand until the last card is on the table. Each day I face the sun with gratitude and a peaceful heart. 

So many young women are just starting out on the road called grief. Many question and shout why me, why my baby. Those women need to be told that it will be ok and sometimes we don’t have an answer. They need to hear it from a mother who has walked this path before, they need to know she survived, and mostly that she caught her rainbow. In the Awaiting Rainbows group I was an old sage, offering internet hugs and  quietly typing “it’s ok, you never get over the death of a child, you just learn how to live with it” into the comments of their posts. We got excited when someone announced they were pregnant and answered each others questions on TTC. 

Every now and then you’d see a member disappear, “she got banned” someone said. The group Admins watch the page like a hawk and without warning if they do not like your tone or your posts or your comments you are out of there. The creator of “I am a mother to an Angel” claims that all of her groups are inclusive and supportive of its members. If this were true then Admins would not be banning members for their tone, comments or for merely reporting a member for being repetitive and offensive. 

If you ask me the ladies of “Awaiting Rainbows/I am a mother” are selective, she is creating the type of group she wants, one where everything is sparkles and sunshine, and not the group women need. Grief is not perfect. Not all trying to conceive journies are perfect or end up with a live birth. Life is messy, grief is messy, and sometimes trying to catch a rainbow is messy too. 

One day you will realize that the women you banned are the women who needed your support the most and you turned your back on them.  

If you are in need of support please visit:

Hannah’s Heart and Love
Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support
Grieve Out Loud
Missing Grace Foundation

{Lucia & Baby E} My Babies You Will Always Be

  “For as long as I am breathing, my babies you will always be”

In story books, everything is perfect. Girl meets her prince, her prince knocks her up, and nine months later the family of two becomes three. The writers make pregnancy out to be magical and easy. On the pages, every woman gets pregnant, every marriage is a happy one, and every child gets a happy ever after.

I am jealous. Jealous of fertile Myrtle who lives down the lane. For she gets pregnant with ease and carries her babies to term without worry. Blood clots, stroke, and irregular heart beats never cross Myrtle’s mind. She does not have to wonder “should I take my shot at 2pm or wait until I get home?” Myrtle  never has to look up at a screen and hear the words “I am so sorry” as they squeeze her shoulder. Myrtle doesn’t know the heart ache of seeing a lifeless baby on the screen. She does not know what it’s like to have a doctor say “maybe it’s to early, maybe next week we will see a big healthy yolk and a fetal pole!” Myrtle does not have to drive home fighting back tears as she looks in the rear view mirror wondering “why me, why my baby.” 

I desperately want to be Myrtle. I want to be able to not just carry, but to hold my own flesh and blood. To look my living child in the eyes and to watch them grow. After Lucia I had lost all hope, countless times I was told “no more babies.” That pregnancy wasn’t safe for me and that my uterus was to beaten to function. I made peace with my fate, that my only child is in heaven. Lucia will always be my first and I will love him until my last day on earth. My baby he will always be. 

Maybe I just needed time to heal and recover……… On Mother’s Day I looked down at a bright blue plus sign. The impossible, happened. I was terrified and thrilled that my rainbow was on board. I did my best not to get attached. Jay was over the moon and he wanted to be apart of every appointment. We started picking names, planning the nursery, and talking about our future. The excitement was short lived, this rainbow was not meant to be ours. 

This baby wasn’t meant for us. At our first ultrasound an empty sac is all they saw. It measured correctly 6weeks 6 days, but no sign of life was inside. The sac it grew bigger, yet nothing took up residence. No yolk, no fetal pole. I looked up at the sky and I knew that this wasn’t meant to be. Jay said “babes it’s just wasn’t  CoraLeigh.” He secretly wanted a girl and fell in love with the name CoraLeigh. 

My body is a dick and it didn’t want to let go of the pregnancy. I didn’t want a D&C, I held out until it was evident that I wouldn’t misscarry on my own. A plan was made, ultrasound and antibiotics were on deck and on July 7, I went under. Surgery went well, the hysteroscope showed that my uterus was healthy and not bruised. The doctor said “she can and will be able to carry babies.” I can have babies too. Those are the only words I needed to hear. 

Baby E, was more than an empty sac. The pathology exam found that it was a partial molar pregnancy, meaning two sperm fertilized one egg and abnormal cells took over. Jay and I didn’t fail, our little baby just had to many chromosomes, it was a genetic accident, this little one wasn’t meant to be.

I am 2 and 0. God holds my babies. I have my days where I wonder what Lucia would be like today. He would be 5 and in kindergarten. I wonder if he would have my curly hair, or his dad’s eyes, and if his smile could light up a room. If he would be a wall flower or daring like his mom. Lucia was here for a brief moment yet he left foot prints on my heart. My baby he will always be. 

If Baby E had the correct number of chromosomes I would be 6 months pregnant today. We would know if we were expecting CoraLeigh or Oliver. We secretly wanted a girl, but we’ll take anything we can get. Jay and I would be putting the finishing touches on the nursery and picking out the perfect car seat. I would be knee deep in appointments, ultrasounds, and Lovenox injections. I want those things, I desperately want those things. 

Losing a child, makes you want children even more. I want to prove to the world that I am capable of carrying a baby to term and that I am worthy of being  a mom. Jay and I have so much love to give, we are patient and kind, good parents we will surely be. I have faith that my third time and Jay’s second time will be the charm. 

One out of four women will experience pregnancy loss. I never thought I would be the one twice. Never did I think I would be 2 and 0. Babies seem to elude me, yet I have faith that my turn is right around the corner.

{Muppet like Dog} It was me who got rescued 

 

Cullen’s Freedom Ride

 It’s hard to believe that five years ago today I left work sick “cough cough” and drove 6 hours to get a dog. A dog that I had never seen, but Pam and Carrie said was the perfect fit for me. I trusted the Whipstaff Ranch ladies and I knew in my heart that this was meant to be. 

They told me his name was Cullen, that he was mistreated and locked in a crate for the majority of his life. He was just another puppy mill victim awaiting death because his coloring was off and he couldn’t be sold. 

The ranch caught wind of this and rescued Cullen and his brothers from their unavoidable fate. Cullen was the last to find a home, for he was to shy and afraid of the world around him. This little one would need an understanding heart and unconditional kindness to bring him out. 

In their minds I was that understanding heart, Carrie and Pam believed in me and allowed me to be his mom. Cullen had this look of fear in his eyes, a fear of the unknown. He was leaving the only kind souls he knew and heading off into the unknown. He was broken, but not defeated. Carrie hugged Cullen and told him “watch over her and have a good life sweet boy” and she placed him in the back seat of the Prius. With a heart filled thanks we headed off on the long drive back to the city.

The city is very different from Solaway, it’s filled with new sounds, smells, and OMG grass! Cullen was unsure of me, he found solitude under my bed. He would only come out to eat or drink when I was at work. I spent my nights laying on the floor staring at a terrified dog, often crying and wondering “did I do the right thing.” I was freshly separated, on the heels of a divorce, and this was my companion and he didn’t want anything to do with me. That is until about a 10 days later, I was playing angry birds on my iPad and I felt something wet on my knee. I looked down and there was Cullen with his chin on my knee looking at me like “I’ll be your dog if you be my human.” 

Cullen jumped into my lap and I sobbed into his scruffy little head. From that moment on he has been joined to my hip.  Cullen goes where ever I go and he is never that far behind me. Overtime he found himself, the little shy dog faded and the super dog took hold. 

Cullen found his bark, prefers paper over toys, only wants his treats to be chewy and not crunchy. He prefers that his dinner come from the fridge and not a bag. He thinks he’s a cat, tiny dogs are not his thing, now show him a cat and he will make a new best friend. Mention Grandma’s house and he is at the door ready to go. He is my trusty little side kick and I will go to the ends of the earth to protect him. 

 I may have rescued him, but in the end it was me who got rescued. Cullen has been the constant in the ever rolling sea of change. He took the loneliness out of the long nights, in his eyes I found peace and nudges from his big gray nose reminded me that I am never alone. Together we took on the world, he brought me out of my shell and helped me find myself. 

This little dog of mine has seen me through the good, the bad, and the darn right ugly parts of my life. He kept me company when I was recovering from surgery, we made countless new friends both two and four legged at the dog park, and he judged all of my dates and let me know which ones were keepers. Cully nuzzled up against me as I wrote charlie’s eulogy and he stood by my side as I packed up Charlie’s things. Charlie loved cully as much as I did. He understand  that the muppet like dog was the glue that held me together. 

With time my heart healed. I was ok with being single and went about my way. On Veterans Day a new man walked into our lives and to cully’s surprise he had cats! To my surprise cully hopped right up on the couch and sniffed Jay, wagged his tail and waited for a scratch. In that moment I knew cully approved and I slowly began to let myself fall in love with Jay.

Nine months later we are planning a wedding and mostly a future together. This little rescue dog of mine is proudly going to walk his mama down the isle. There is no better way to start the next chapter of my life, than with Cullen at my side. 

photo by Stephanie Rryan Photography

 

For it was me who got rescued that August day.

{Life Lessons) One Little Genetic Accident 

Pregnancy lossWhen Lucia died I was never given the option for genetic testing, instead I had to literally demand it. Many thousands of dollars later we learned that he was genetically and chromosomally perfect. There was no why or a how behind his death. He just simply stopped being and for some strange reason that news brought me comfort.

Fast forward five years, this time around it didn’t really cross my mind to ask for testing. I figured an empty gestational sac is simply just empty. To my surprise the doctor emailed to tell me that the pathology results were in. I thought to my self “Pathology” results? I don’t remember them mentioning anything about testing.” 

The proof was in the testing. The little sac that couldn’t was more than just a little sac. It was a sac filled to the brim with answers. A human cannot have 69 chromosomes, we only need 43, no less and no more, only 43 will do. I wondered to myself “How the heck does one embryo get 63 chromosomes? I must be broken or Jay is broken, someone must be broken?” I read a little further and the answer to my question was in the text “two sperm fertilized one egg.” It happens in every 1 out of 3,000 pregnancies and the likelihood of it reoccurring again is very slim. 

The true medical term for this is: partial hydatidiform mole or a partial molar pregnancy, which occurs when the egg receives two sets of chromosomes from the father, usually because the egg has been fertilized by two sperm instead of one. The egg now has 69 chromosomes, instead of the normal 46. 69 chromosomes means no baby and your body will recognize this and the miscarriage process will start. That is if your body is smart, mine is not that smart……..

The embryo had only partially developed and a cluster of grape-like cysts, which is known as a hydatidiform mole began to grow and take over. Now the waiting begins and the lab work starts. The doctor is going to follow me until my HCG level returns to zero. If it does not reach zero it means that there is abnormal tissue growing and I will have to under go chemotherapy to kill it off. That in itself does not sound fun and it is a road I would like to avoid. In the mean time I am keeping everything crossed that my HCG will return to zero. We want a big fat zero!! Come on zero, I want you and need you in my life!

Wait and see land is a terrible place to be and I want out!  I have many trips to the lab in my future and will have my blood drawn every few days until my level reaches zero. I am praying that on Monday my first blood draw will be a big fat zero. Jay and I want to move on and put our little ball of 69 chromosomes behind us. 

Nothing is every easy, all of the weird medical shit happens to me. Just once I would like a break from the office visits and medical bills. Leave it to me to be the 1 out of 3,000. In away it is cool that medical science has come so far that they can tell two sperm fertilized one egg. Like that is crazy cool when you think about it. Gosh darn I love science! 

My bright side in this situation is this: “I CAN get pregnant! My uterus may be beat up and bruised, but she sure as hell ain’t broke! The best part is: I am not going through this alone, I have an amazing man who is holding my hand every step of the way. Jay is making me laugh, giving me back rubs, and taking much needed naps with me. I am so glad I have him in my life! With Jay at my side all things are possible, one day we will have a little one to call our own. Right now Jay and I are settling for the newest addition to our family a little gray kitten with a very pink nose named Griffin.

{NuvaRing} Living In A Beautiful Disaster 

Ladies, from my heart to yours I can tell you that no amount of money is ever going to make us whole, it will not undo the harm, and it will not turn back time. I never went into this lawsuit for the money, I I wanted to make a difference and I did. I wanted to stand up for myself and to make sure that no other woman had to endure my fate. 

 I had a massive pulmonary embolism with infarction and because of that I can no longer have children. I used the nuva ring because it was suppose to reset my cycle and I would hopefully then get pregnant. I wanted a baby more than anything in this world, instead I got handed a blood clot. 

We thought the  nuva ring took away my fertility, on April 1st 2010 I found out I was pregnant. Not just a few weeks but  a whole lot a pregnant. Somehow in the chaos of INR checks, scans, and injections a child was made. It wasn’t ideal, yet the timing was perfect. My son was the silver lining to a shitty ordeal. 

God he had other plans, I celebrated Mother’s Day with a swollen belly only to find out that Lucia’s light was no more. On May 12, 2010 Alucious Gregory Beaulieu Cohen was born sleeping. My daddy planted a birch tree in Lucia’s honor, at its base is a plaque that reads “Where there is love, there is life.” 

Tucked into the pages of my Bible is a card from United Hospital, on it are my son’s tiny little foot and hand prints, Lucia is always with me, no foot is to small to make an impact on this world. You see it doesn’t matter how many dollars are placed in my hand it will not bring my son back nor will it change the fact that I will never look my own flesh and blood in the face. 

So please find it in your hearts to be at peace with this, Merck technically under the law doesn’t have to give us a dime, hell they don’t even have to admit wrong doing and they can continue on as business as usual. Be happy that you are getting a few pennies, because a few is better than nothing. 

Be greatful that you are six feet above ground, be thankful that you greet the sun each morning, and never forget those women who would die to take your place. 

  This is my 6th borrowed year on earth and I am greatful that in those six years  I became a mama, got a divorce, found myself, adopted a rescue pup, held my niece, found  the perfect job, fell in love, and in July I will welcome my nephew Jack into this world. I made a life out of a beautiful disaster. 

My story could be different, On October 22, 2009 I had my massive PE with infarction when I was 26 years old, I was 5 days shy of my 27th birthday, and if I didn’t get to the ER when I did my Parents would have been picking out my urn instead of my 27th Halloween themed birthday cake. I got the best gift that year, I got life! I got to live! 

 And I refuse to be angry at Merck, there is no place for anger in a survivors heart. I am living in the moment and taking in every sweet sweet drop of borrowed time. Memories are what I am making and I am living without looking back. Life is a Beautiful disaster and I will ride it until the last grain of sand falls. 

{Go Red} Barbara Ann Is Why I Go Red

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In 1987 my mama met Barb on the night shift at the Seminary Home and they became fast friends. Barb supported my mama during my childhood illness, lifted her up and gave her hope that my surgery would go well. Barb was rooting for me.

Barb followed my mama to Rem Park Heights, together they worked side by side on the night shift for 15 years. Barb took care of the ladies, my mama the men. They had each others backs and kept each other company though the quiet nights. Well mostly quiet, my mama and Barb have some pretty great stories from the night shift.

Barb had a huge heart, she loved on all of the babies and I was lucky enough to be one of them. She has been apart of my life for as long as I can remember. Barb sold Avon and my mama loved her some Avon products. I loved going with my mama to pick up our order, mostly because Barb always had a hug and a treat for me.

Chocolate bars are like the go to Halloween candy choice, and I trick or treated for a bag of candy I couldn’t eat. My mama would always have us trick or treat at Barb’s house and she would always put a huge bag of gummy bears or sweet tarts into my bag. Ms. Barb didn’t want me to be left out, so she always made sure I had something to enjoy too. Barb went out of her way to make me feel special.

When my mama got stuck at work doing paper work Barb would pick me up and take me to school. The oldies station was always on and Barb greeted me with a smile and “morning doll face!”

Doll face, she always call my Doll face. When I was ready to start using makeup my mama brought me to Barb. I remember sitting on her living room floor as she explained lipstick, eyeshadows, mascara, foundation and skin tone to me. She told me “girl you’ve got pale skin, stick with pinks!” Barb told me “a pretty girl always washes her face before bed.” I took her advice and always wash my face. I bought my makeup from Barb up until the day she stopped selling it. Avon was my brand and she will forever be my Avon lady.

I would give anything to hear “Doll face” right now. Barb passed away from complications of an enlarged heart on January 2, 2015. My mama couldn’t believe that her best friend was gone. She called Barb’s brother Greg and he confirmed that she was really gone. My mama lost her best friend of 28 years and I lost my second mom. Barb was one heck of a friend to my Mama and together we are navigating a world with out her. Barb had so much love for all the babies, dogs (especially George), and the people she took care of. Maybe that is why her heart was so large. So large because she loved with every ounce of her heart.

Barbara Ann is why I go red