Category Archives: life lessons

After the Storm the Sun Always Shines

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The sun is finally shinning, its been a while since I felt its rays against my skin. The sun is a subtle reminder that with the spring comes rebirth. That after the long hard winter, the sun always shines.

I am reminded that beyond the storm lies calm. An in the calm lies the sun, if we stand in its light it will warm out hearts and we will truly feel the grace of God.

I have weathered many storms in my life, some so turbulent and strong I never thought I’d see the light. Yet my faith, friends, and family (The three Fs) always got me through. I hope all of you whether each of life’s storms with grace and revel in the sun.

Speck of Faith In My Little Toe

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Sometimes I wake up cursing and wishing that I could have my old pre-pulminary embolism life back. It’s a wasteful wish, I know, but part of me still hopes I will return to the old me.

The me who used to run fast and far with her dog at her side. One who didn’t have to calculate how much vitamin K was in her food, or pay attention to odd feelings in her chest. There are days where I just want to drop the ball, chuck the aspirin in the can, and run far.

Run far away. Yet, its days like this I reach deep within to pull out any speck of faith I have left. It usually hides in my little toe, that last speck of faith. I use it to get up, to move, and get through my day. Winter is over thank God!

Winters cool crisp air ripped through my lung like a knife cutting butter. Every breath I took on those bitter days was filled with pain. They say spring is going to arrive any day now. Springs air is cool, moist and thick, it feels like I have to gulp the air in and push it down. I am reminded, that I shouldn’t complain because the alternative to this is death. I can consider my gulps, my pain, and this crazy lung as a badge of honor. Honor, that I wear tightly wrapped around my heart and proclaim to all that I am a survivor through and through.

Surviving isn’t a method or a skill, it is something you earn. You chart your own course, create your own plan, and live with faith so strong it can set your heart on fire. I hug tighter, laugh more often, listen a little longer, and love harder.

This experience has made me aware that little things in life don’t matter, it’s the moments that count and the journey that’s worth taking. I used to be obssed with the destination, I saw things only one way and now I muddle my way through. It may take me longer to get there, but at least I will have a story to share.

So this morning as the pain filled my chest and the muppet scampered before me, I reached into my little toe, pulled out that speck of faith and got up. Got up, washed down a gazillion vitamins, pills, and my all coveted life saver the aspirin. As long as I keep moving and don’t lose faith I will win the battle and conquer the war.

April Showers Bring Memories

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It’s funny how a scent, a song, or a simple word can send memories crashing through. Tomorrow will be April. A month filled with showers, sun, and warm days. Yet this month is weighted with memories.

If I were still married April 3rd would be a night of dinner, wine, celebrated love and laughter. That was the day I met my x husband, it would be 6 years on Sunday. Six years ago he walked across the campus parking lot and into my life. Part of me wishes I could say it was all terribly bad, but it wasn’t. We had our moments and our days in the sun. He probably won’t give April 3rd much thought this Sunday, or maybe he will. For me, it will just be another day on the Calender, yet it will always hold a place in time.

April 9th will be a day I will always remember, that is the day I found out I was pregnant. At first i thought it was a joke and then the words pregnant appeared over and over again on the seven tests I took. It was real all right. That night the x was beaming and couldn’t contain his excitement for our pending joy. Scott would talk to my stomach and kiss it Good Night, Good Morning, and Good Afternoon. That night we went out to celebrate at one of our usual spots and when the waitress asked if I wanted my usual glass of wine. He piped up ” No wine for her, she’s pregnant!” The waitress gushed and congratulated us both. Our families were filled with hope and exploding with joy for their new grandchild. Never during that time did I think God would burst our bubble filled with joy. Not even once did I dare to think it could all fade away. Yet it did, it did in deed.

As a child my mom told me that rain, just wasn’t rain. That it was magical, that the rain was actually tears from heaven. That some angels were having a bad day or they were sad because God Brought someone home. That if I embraced it, danced in it, and jumped in the puddles I could feel the angles love. April, bring on your rain……I am ready to dance in it, laugh in it, stomp, frolic, and embrace the tears of heaven.

Punching Snowmen

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Like most ladies I have had many a dating blunders and days where I just plain gave up. It seems that when we give up fate finds its way in and allows us to look a little further and a little deeper at the fish in the sea.

Recently I punched a snowman. (not really) In doing so it led to a string of emails that ranged from dogs making dinner, to uptown hipster pigeons who mumble about oppression, and to my favorite subject ninjas. The emails eventually led to a date, a great first date to be exact, that led to an even better second date. I know crazy right two dates in 3 days or as he would say 48hrs. I am glad that I punched that snowman, because if I hadn’t the IRS Auditor would never of walked into my life.

At this moment I am going to consider myself lucky and take down all of my personal ads. I am throwing caution to the wind, moving my thimble on the board and I am going to follow it through to where ever it may lead.

So maybe ladies the key to finding a datable man is to punch a few snowmen. After all it has been a long cold, bitter winter, so go on and punch one.

Divorced Life Dating

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I decided that after my divorce I wasn’t going to jump into a relationship right away. That I wanted to feel the pain and be alone, so that I could truly heal, and not be influenced by another man.

This fall I dusted off my dating shoes and did what any single woman does, I joined one of those internet dating sites. Sure I got phone numbers from friends, blind dates came and went, yet I wanted to start this journey on my own. I havent been single since I was 19, that’s almost 10 years worth of relationships.

My oh my have the dating rules changed in the past almost 10 years. What ever happened to a first kiss on a first date, I didn’t know that I would be expected to streak into Home plate on a first date. I had a guy who asked me out on a date, it went great and he’d asked me to a second date. I said sure why not, then I got an email laying out his expectations for the night. In which he spelled out I want sex at the end of the night, don’t come if you aren’t going to put out. I felt offended and thought how rude. Not to mention the guy was only 5’6″ so I chalked it up to little man complex, but to the men of the interwebs have some class, some style, and for god sakes not every woman on the planet is going to drop her panties for you.

Besides Mr. I want you to drop your panties right now, there has also been phobia boy. Right there at the Urban Bean he laid down his phobias, water, heights, and automatic cars? I can deal with the water and heights, but come on now automatic cars? He said he didn’t like automatic cars because well he couldn’t control them. Needless to say I gulped my coffee down, burnt my tongue in the process, and bolted out of there like a whore leaving church. I didn’t call him back, I don’t do phobias.

So between phobia boy, Mr Drop your panties now, and well then there is Ring sting. So this man assured me no I am not married, would never do such a thing. Well then if you aren’t married why are you wearing your wedding ring. The look on his face was priceless and then he said ” My wife will never find out.” Oh she will I said, my x thought that too! An when she does find out there will be hell to pay. That date lasted 10 minutes.

So I am starting to wonder what the heck happened to men in the past almost 10 years? Did you all get dropped on your head, did some sort of rule get established regarding home base must be achieved on a first date. Oye, I say men, men have turned into quite the animals.

I guess I will throw some salt over my shoulder, a penny in a well, and wish on a star that not all men are home base achieving pigs. It true the nice guys always finish last, no one, not even me, likes a full of himself winner.

Dinner on Sunday

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Once a month my friends and I get together for a Sunday evening dinner to catch up on life. In the dim light of the News Room I looked around the table at my friends, all happily married or deeply in love with their current mate of the moment. We grew from a group of 20 somes without children to having beautiful babies nesting table side. I thought to myself in this moment I am so lucky to have such amazing friends, all are ninjas in their own right. Of how accomplished we became and that everyone succeeded in their dreams.

My not going to law school is something we never bring up, along with my failed marriage among other things. Instead we sit around and swap old college stories, stories of travel, of loves won and lost. Until someone brings up the question “why are you still single? Normally I can change the subject in a quick pace, but this balmy February night they weren’t having it. They truly out of the kindness of their hearts wanted to know why.

The pressing and teasing continued, I gulped my wine, looked at them and said well loves, “it’s simply by choice.” I think in life sometimes we need to be alone with our own thoughts and feelings before we can truly move on. That we ourselves need to realize that we are good enough on our own. That sometimes vanilla is better than maple nut. Do you know how it amazing it feels to sleep smack dab in the middle of your bed and not have someone complain about it. An dam it if I want to eat ice cream for breakfast, or leave clothes on the floor, mess up the covers I can. Because no one is going to say anything about it, I am going to do it.

I am simply leaving my heart open an not looking. I have faith that when the time is right, Mr. Right will waltz into my life and things will be grand. But right now I like being alone, I can do what ever I want when I want and I love it. Its me and the dog until death do us part. He is the best guy I’ve ever had, he’s loyal, likes to go for walks, never complains and sticks to his side of the bed. So please I know you all love me very much but realize that at this moment in my life I like who I have become and where I am headed.

After I finished my soap box moment, the table was silent, I looked up and realized that tears were sparking in the candle lights. My lovely bunch of misfits were crying. That is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard you say, that’s our girl, she’s back, and I love you were exchanged. We made a pact that night, that from here on out at Dinner on Sunday we will no longer ask why are you still single. Because the answer is so beautifully clear.

BECAUSE I CAN BE!

I will not be Knocked Down

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If you had told me that my birth control would almost kill me, I would have laughed you off and marked you down as crazy.

Many many women do this. They don’t think twice when they pop the pill, insert the ring or inject their veins. Some ask their doctor for the IUD, they cast a side the warnings, side effects fall to the floor, as we are women and we have a right to birth control.

Women came before us, to fight for our reproductive rights, but did those women of the 60’s know just what this pill they were fighting for would do? That it would ruin lives, tare apart families, leave victims, unanswered questions, and broken hearts. Some say birth control was the greatest thing to ever happen to and for women. I say they were wrong.

OBGYN’s write thousands of scripts a year for the pill that promises to keep motherhood at bay. They do little to educate, to warn, or even deter a woman from taking the pil, the ring, the shot, or an IUD. I know I was never told that the my choice of control was the deadliest birth control on the market, that it scared, marked, and destroyed women’s lives.

When the ring and I met it was convenient love. A love that would come crashing down and leave me fighting for my life. I never thought twice, they said blood clots only occurred in women over 35. Hell, this is a ring it doesn’t know age, gender, weight, it’s a thing, an object, and not some intelligent machine. It lay quietly in a cup, this thing so small, so meek, yet it roared through my body with a dangerous thunder, and has left me forever changed.

I did not wallow or look for pity. I stand for change and I would be damned if another woman met my fate. I am the first woman ever in the state of MN to file a product liability law suit against a pharmaceutical company that manufactures a hormonal contraceptive. My case will be precedence, it will pave the way and make the path for other broken women to follow. Backing down is not an option, lobbying for stronger warning labels and stricter product testing is. Is an option, to stand up and fight for what I believe in.

This is America where anything is possible, where no woman deserves to die because of her birth control.

Your Red is Showing…….

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Friday was National Wear Red Day for Women’s Heart Health. I guess you could say my family and I have been supporting the American Heart Association since 1993 when my Father’s Neice Emma was born.

Emma was born on March 5th 1993, she was born 6 weeks early on purpose. While in the womb they learned that this little girl had a broken heart and that she would not live unless she received a new one. Thus set off a whirl wind for my Uncle Jeffery and his wife Connie. It would be an experiment, she would be the first baby in Minnesota to receive a heart transplant. The road would be rough and uncertain, yet they took up the course.

In april she was strong enough to receive her new heart. The surgery took place at the University of St Louis MO Medical center along with staff from Fairview university hospital. She made history and was born again. Her life was filled with struggles, triumph, and joy, more joy than anyone could imagine.

Sadly Emma Died on December 29th 1996, her little heart did not give out on her. She died from complications due to the common cold. Our hearts were broken, I’ve never seen so many people at a funeral, a funeral for such a tiny little girl. Her life was short, but it was worth it, she did not die in vein. Because of her journey doctors and scientist know more about infants with broken hearts. It’s safe to say that very few if not any have died from the common cold in the past ten years. Her little life was worth it, I can’t help to wonder what Emma would be today, would she be a hell raiser, a motivator, or would she be an advocate for children like her. One thing I know is this little girl is dancing in heaven and that she will always be remembered.

Because of Emma my family is very big on supporting the American Heart Association and the National Organ Donation Bank. Without these two things we would have never of had Emma for three years. Three beautiful years. Little did I know how much the American Heart association would mean to me.

In 2002 on February 8th my Father suffered 2 heart attacks and three strokes. I was a way at college and couldn’t come home to see him. All I knew is that my father, my pillar of strength was fighting for his life. All I could do was pray, I asked god to take me instead, to put me in his place. He didn’t but luckily my Daddy survived. He isn’t 100% and we know he never will be. But i am thankful for each day I have with him, for every moment he can remember, and for every time I hear his voice on the other end of the phone. As I am aware that if it weren’t for the Mayo Clinic he would have been dead at 50.

It’s funny how life goes in the spring of 2008 I was planning my wedding, packing and getting ready to move to my new house. My x husband was on a cruise and I was alone. When my phone rang, it was my Dad telling me that my Mom was at work and that she was being taken to the hospital by ambulance. My mom, the woman who never backs down from a fight, lay in the hospital with a broken heart. The doctors said she had a mild heart attack and that she was going to be ok.

Between Emma, my dad and my mom I believed in the Mission of Heart Health Awareness and took up the cause. Wearing red each year and shouting it from the rough tops. Know the signs of stroke and heart attack. Little did I know that at 26 the very words I had been shouting would save my own life.

In October 2009 I had a mild stroke as a result of my pulmonary embolism. They tell me I shouldn’t be alive. I know I shouldn’t be, I am here for a reason and maybe that reason is to help you prevent a heart attach or stroke. To educate you on the signs and symptoms. Because every second counts.

Maybe I just come from a family of broken hearts. Who knows. But I do know that our hearts may be broken, yet we take up the fight to help you, help you live the best life that you can. So I hope you had red on this friday 🙂

What Women Never Talk About

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I know I’ve mentioned it in passing on my blog that I had a miscarriage in May.
Today I was invited to speak to a pregnancy loss support group that was for both moms and dads. It was hard, it took everything in me just to get up in front of them. I knew that I had to, that some how my words would heal them, and show them that yes its ok to move on.

Ever since I can remember I wanted to be two things in this world. The president and a mom. I knew that I wanted one of my own and that I wanted to adopt one as well. When I was little I was obsessed with cabbage patch kids, because I could adopt them. I figured there are children in this world that need a chance, to be loved, and to know that they matter to someone.

When I met my now x husband the dream of adopting a child was realized I became a mom to his son. I loved Nylan from the moment I saw him. When I looked into his eyes, I saw my son, I didn’t see Scott and Lisa’s child, I saw my child looking back at me. Lord, Knows I would do anything for Nylan.

This spring we found out that we were expecting it was finally a silver lining in the year from hell. We found out a few days before the 6 month anniversary of my pulmonary embolism. The doctors told us it was high risk, they talked about a plan c section, bed rest and constant monitoring of my blood, to make sure another clot didn’t happen. I started lovenox right away injecting myself two times a day and a shit load of vitamins. Scott and I were so in love during this time, we talked about paint colors, nursery furniture, about the future. What our baby would be like, who they would take after. I told him: “if this baby is anything like me, well be in for one hell of a ride, because I was off the hook when I was little.” He just looked at me, smiled, and said I know, I am ready, and your still of the walls babe.

I started showing sooner than all the baby books said I would, people said there was probably two in there, an ultra sound confirmed that I was carrying a singleton, a little bear of our own. It’s hard to believe that one ultra sound can bring you so much joy, can allow you to see the heartbeat and to catch a glimpse of the creation. Yet in one swoop, it can take it all away. The same room where I found joy, I found grief.

Looking up at the monitor, I didn’t see a flicker, the technician kept moving the thing around, told me to sit tight, and then the doctor came in. He had her show him what she had seen. The movement I had seen a week prior was gone, the flicker, the light, the hope, the dream of a child, was gone it came crashing down around me. This room it felt so cold, the doctor he tried to explain, told me the options I had.

I do a lot of crying in the prius, I called my mom and told her the news. my dad for some reason magically appeared on my door step. Threw his arms around me and said we are gonna get through this. He held me so tight, telling me that God has a brighter plan and that some day it will make sense. I was angry, I felt horrible, that it was my fault, that God didn’t think I was worthy enough to carry a child. I cursed his name and asked. You chose to save me that day, why the hell didn’t you save my child. Instead you showered me with more pain, with more broken dreams, and gray days.

I did what was best for me. I couldn’t bring myself to sit around and wait for nature to take its course, I chose to have a D&C. I think god for Sherri she took me to United, held my hand and sat with me until it was time. They went through the risks, the what ifs of the procedure. I said stop why you’re a head, as I am always the exception and it will probably happen to me. They explained it would take less than 40 minutes and that I wouldn’t remember a thing. Sherri, did for me what my x husband wasn’t man enough to do. She was there for me during the roughest time of my life. All while my x husband sat in Vegas, he wasn’t man enough to get on a plane, to face the truth, and to see his wife crushed.

Some women tell me that I chose the easy way out. Let me tell you this there is nothing easy about a D&C. Everyone knows why your there and they ask you over and over again. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. An all the what ifs they told me about, well the 40 minute procedure turned in to 2.5 hours. They ripped a four-inch hole in my Uterus and damaged my cervix. Even worse is they didn’t think to stitch up the hole and well a week later I wound up in the hospital with a serious uterine infection.

The days turned into weeks. My x husband expected me to bounce back to my old self. Yet, I couldn’t this experience changed me, it made me into a mama to a baby in heaven, and caused me to really take a deep look at my life. I could never get over the fact that my x deserted me during the worst time of my life. That he didn’t think I was important enough to jump on a plane, to be by my side, to hold my hand and cry with me. It was time for a change. It was time for him to go.

I realize now that little bears passing gave me the strength to walk away from a loveless marriage, to fight for myself again, and show the world who I was. One day while watching the sunrise on lake Calhoun I realized something: I had asked god over and over again why did he save me and not my child. It hit me, that without me, there will be no children, that if he had let me go, there would be no children. I have faith that some day it will make sense and that god saved the vessel that will some day carry life again. Little bear and Nylan will always be my children. One is in heaven and the other is now being raised by another woman.

After I finished telling my story I looked at these people and said: ” Welcome to the parent to a baby in heaven club.” Its a club no one wants to join, but in here we all understand and lean on each other. It takes time, but with each day it will get easier, each breath you take will calm you, and best of all you will never ever forget this life that god graced you with. You can do something to remember your child. My family and I planted a birch tree in Alucious Gregory’s honor. It is a tree that I hope one day will provide shade to his brothers and sisters on earth. Honor your child, remember this time, and let the ones that come after know about their sibling in heaven. You my friends, you will be all right. I am certain of this.

2010

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2010 is a year that I will always remember, a year filled with change, hope, love, sadness, and loss.

We were still in recovery mode and thanked our lucky stars that the blood clot had dissolved. This was my new normal, life as a pulmonary embolism survivor. One filled with constant chest pain, short breath, and lack of stamina. Yet, with all the pain, I was able to see the grace in my situation.

Winter was filled with happiness. Nylan turned 6, I was so proud to see him grow and learn with each coming day. He went tubbing for the first time, you could see the fear in his eyes as he looked out at the horizon and down the hill, yet he courageously stepped into the tube and was greeted with laughter at the bottom. I realized that my chubby cheeked boy was turning in to a pint size man. He would test his boundaries and no longer needed my help. He was and is becoming independent.

In the spring we learned that our little family of three humans and three dogs was growing. Scott and I were so excited when we found out that we were expecting a little one of our own. We nick named out babies little bear and set in planning the nursery, buying supplies, and picking out names. If it was a boy it would be named Alucious Gregory and if it were a girl her name would be EmmiLeigh Grace (Yup she would have a double name just like her mama).

Sadly as quickly as life was created God took our little bear away. We were devastated when we lost our child. For the longest time I thought it was my fault, that I had done something, or that I wasn’t good enough to be a mom in God’s eyes. Yet, with each new day came a sense of peace. Tests concluded that my baby was a boy, a beautiful boy named Alucious Gregory. I am a proud mama to a baby in heaven. I am grateful for this experience, because without it I would have never had the strength to take the next step.

The winds of change were brewing. The once loving couple had finally drifted apart. Nothing could bring them back together, so a judgment call was made, and I walked away from my marriage and my step son. I never thought I’d be one of those women who got a divorce, who gave up on their families, and throw in the towel. I felt a shamed at first, like I failed, and that now I was damaged. Yet, I realize it takes two to make a marriage work, and well my heart left my marriage a long time ago and my brain just now caught up.
The summer brought my independence, confidence, and new found friendships. It also marked the end of Lily and Lola. The friendship ended in turbulent rapture, yet it needed to end. It taught me to choose my friends wisely and that not everyone is who they project themselves to be. I hope she got some help and that things are going well for her.

I bravely walked away from my job in September, not knowing what tomorrow would bring, all I had was faith to carry my through. The one year anniversary of my pulmonary embolism passed and my birthday came. Dates were plentiful, yet, none were worth keeping or sustaining serious relations. Friends carried me through the down times and cheered me on during the highs. I started a new job in the banking world, got another infection in my lung (stupid lung), and met a new amazing friend. Trips were plentiful and the muppet like dog provided me with hours of laughter. Man I love that little beast, he truly is the best dog ever!

2010 was the worst yet most amazing year of my life. I will always remember 2010 as the year I took myself back.