The Susan G Komen foundation has been getting a lot of press lately. The thing is I don’t like pink ribbons. They come out in October and everything goes pink. Even my coveted peanut butter M&Ms go pink and I refuse to buy them. Why you ask? So little of the money raised goes to research. If you stop and think with the billions of dollars raised they should have a cure for breast cancer by now. They don’t. Truth is cancer makes money and Komen likes stuffing their pockets.

February is for lovers and for the past 9 years it has been National Women’s Heart Health Month or simply known as Go Red for Women. I am sure you have seen the tiny little red dress pins or have heard women talk about them. I like red and I like dresses even more. I have always been apart of the Go Red For Women movement. Little did I know the information I was sharing would save my own life. On October 22nd 2009 I had a massive pulmonary embolism and stroke. I almost died 5 days before my 27th birthday. If the ER doctor hadn’t been informed about the link of hormonal contraceptives and blood clots I would have died. My family would have been planning my funeral instead of my birthday party. I would have never gotten to hold my niece Sophia. My story would have ended at 26.

However that day it didn’t end a new chapter was to be written. That chapter included learning to survive and live with my new normal. A normal that I have come to accept with grace. The only thing I can’t accept is that Heart Disease, strokes, and heart attacks kill more women per year than breast and gynecological cancers. Yet the government gives the National institute of health very little money to research heart disease in women. Breast cancer receive more money, yet thousands of women die each year from heart disease and strokes. It is truly the silent killer. Most women don’t know they are affected until its to late.

Heart disease deserves the same spot light as the pink ribbon. Maybe one day the NFL will paint a Red Dress on the 50 yard line and show our cause some love. Red dresses are cool and the women who wear them are even cooler. My stroke changed my life and cemented my purpose. As a You’re the Cure Congressional district leader I lobby for your heart. You are the reason I get up each morning and fire off emails to our congressmen, legislators, and anyone who listen to me. Why, because I hope one day I will be able to tuck my Red dress away because we eliminated heart disease. It’s a big dream, yet I know its possible. Because together we can and we will save lives by going Red.

We can show Komen whose boss by beating them to a cure, by promoting heart healthy living tips and sharing our stories. Our words, our journeys, and our hearts matter. As survivors we do not need a pink ribbon to make us feel important. We know we are important because each one of us beat the widow maker. Each one of us are standing above ground and continue to fight for those who lie six feet under us.

So I am asking from the bottom of my surviving heart that you put the pink away and wear Red on Friday February 3rd. Together we can save lives and we can find a cure for heart disease. We owe it to the hundreds of thousands of women who are six feet under to find that cure. Because those women were loved, they mattered, and someone is missing them dearly. Mostly those women matter to this survivor.

After much thought. It is difficult for me to announce that HaveBearWillTravel.com is going on a little vacation. Life is busy. As in I barely see the muppet busy. Yet a good type of busy that makes your heart sing because you know deep down you are making the world better.

That is my whole goal in life. To make this world a little better than when I found it. Our goal as humans should be to better mankind not destroy it. When we change one small thing, complete one-act of kindness, that is when we reach our potential. I need to concentrate on teaching amazing people like yourselves how to be the best lobbying ninjas they can be and continue to be one kick ass paralegal at the firm. Those are my priorities right now. I guess one knows they are grown when they choose real life over online life.

Thank you so much for reading about my life and for supporting me on this adventure. I realized in the past year or so that my words can change lives. Yes, I have lived through some tough shit and because of you I blogged about it. With each tap of the key board my heart slowly began to heal. My heart is full again and I am ready to take on the world. I have met some amazing people and made some new Ninja BFFS. I am always reminded that life changes without a moments notice. What it comes down to is: “What you do in that moment that sets the path for the rest of your life?”

Do you sit down and take it or do you rise up and show the world who is boss. My stroke gave me the strength to deal with losing a child and the strength I needed to walk away from a loveless marriage. To date my x husband will tell you: ” I let the best thing to ever happen to me walk out that door. She is one hell of a woman and an awesome mom. She stepped up, threw her dreams away, and became the mom she didn’t have to be to my son. “Who ever she ends up with is one hell of a lucky man.” Aww thanks x husband. I wish I could hate him. Yet, I do feel a tad bit sorry for the guy. After all his whole world crashed one sunny day in June. I finally found it with in myself to forgive him. As in forgive him for what he did and for not being there when I needed him most. That was the final piece, the piece I needed to complete in order to get me back. Once again my heart is whole and maybe one of these days I will remember to actually go on the dates I plan. For me it was easier to stand up and show the world who was boss. I am the boss of my life and no one can ever knock me down.

So just know ninjas. I am alive and well. I am knocking down doors and writing down names without question. Before you know it the blogcation will be over and I will be back with new adventures to share. Fingers crossed that my plan for a personal life works. I need one of those or at least people tell me I need a personal life. We’ll see.

Love you bunches!

-AmandaJean

Its funny this time last year I was busily making a list of what was mine and what was the x husbands. I was feverishly packing everything I could in boxes and ripping photos from frames that I wanted. My friends, family and I packed my life up last July 4th. That was the day I took myself back and walked away from Brighton trail one last time.

It’s amazing how much a year can change a girl. I am no longer the scared newly separated girl. I am strong confident, sassy, a survivor, and darn right goodness. This is the life I have always dreamed of. I am making my own money, living by my own rules, and taking names without questions. It does get lonely from time to time, enter the muppet. My source of late night giggles and wet muppet kisses.

This past week has been filled with celebration. I feel now that the cancer is gone, I can breathe again and just maybe date a little too. Drinks were plentiful, happy tears fell to the bar room floor, and smiles replaced the uncertainty that laid before me. I am greatful for my friends. Greatful that they brought me dinner on nights when I was to tired, sat with me when I was fretting, and whispered in my ear “go ninja go.” I may be biased but I have some of the most incredible friends on the planet. They truly are my family. Toasts were given, laughter filled the hot summer air as we skipped along Nicollet Mall. This is my life and just like I did last year I am taking it back. I did not let my stroke/blood clot nor my divorce define me, Cancer is just a blip on the screen and will not alter my dreams.

Dreams that are a blaze with light. During the winter months I long for BBQs. There is just something about hanging out with your friends and eating chard meat. BBQs are our way of showing our love through food. Ninjas know that I am the queen of the grill, the grilling is up to me. I have watched my friends babies grow into toddlers, singles become married, and new love unfold from the helm of the Webber. Croquet is something that always goes down at a ninja BBQ, that is if the ninjas are not playing badminton. This, this is the day I long for beautiful weather, beautiful food, and spending time with beautiful people that I love.

Love can take many forms. Since I was a child I have been drawn to water. I learned how to sail at Ycamp Pepin. Sailing is something that has always brought me calm. For me a sail boat is my zen. The ropes, the sail, the wind in your hair. It’s just you, the water, and the boat. I do my best thinking while sailing. Sailing is best done with friends. Lucky for me most of my friends love boats and understand the concepts of sailing. Right down to the knots. Smiles, a little wine and laughter filled the ship as it set its course on the sparkling blue waters. This day is a day meant to be enjoyed. This day is what dreams are made of.

As I peered into the water I couldn’t help but reflect on the past year. I can say I am happy. Happier than I could have ever imagined. My life is finally coming together and things are falling into place. I maybe 6 years late, but my arrival date was never set in stone.

Charlie tells me hard liquor fixes everything. That is if it is drank while playing a board game. Its funny his brother said the exact same thing about liquor and marshmallows. Liquor and marshmallows fixed my sorority girl problems when followed by a dose of manly advice.

Advice that seemed to flow into one ear and out the other. Sometimes I’d listen to Connor and other times I’d nod my head as he rambled on. Often his voice was drowned out by the crashing waves that hit the shores of park point. I’d give anything to be back on that beach. I know it’s a lost cause, so I guess hard liquor and board games will do.

A good friend knows that your fretting just by the look in your eyes. As Charlie opened the door he took one look and said “Oh babe I’ll grab the wine, you wanna play connect four?” I haven’t played connect four in years. Charlie was way to excited for this he popped the cork and ripped the box open. I watched quietly as he eagerly put the game together and popped the checkers out from their plastic mold. He looked at me padded the floor, “Here babes it’s all set. Now whats your problem today?” I just laughed.

Laughter provides me with comfort. If I can laugh no one needs to know that on the inside I am falling apart. No one needs to know that I hurt someone and have no idea how to repair the harm I’ve caused.

In truth I’m not even really sure what I did. If I knew I would fix it. One thing I’ve learned in life is that men are complicated. Oh God are they complicated creatures. Manuals, men need to come with manuals. That would be awesome, we could just look up strange look and bingo we’d know exactly what we did wrong. I think a man manual is a few years off, after all we did just get a little thing called the iPad.

Since I don’t have a man manual I guess Charlie’s insight will have to do. I slipped my first checker into the slot. Charlie told me “Amjay your black, yea cause your mood if funky today kiddo.” Some days I want to kick Charlie. But today is not his lucky day. After all he is putting up with me and my big girl problems.

Problems that seem so simple yet so hard to solve. One can’t hash out old feelings if the other side isn’t willing to talk. I am tired of this game we play. I throw a text out there. You don’t respond. I see you in the skyway, I duck and turn my back. I even hold my breath as I get into the elevator in this very building praying it doesn’t stop on your floor.

Then one day I realized something. We are adults. So as fate would have it I ran into you late one night. I was going to keep on walking but, hello flew out of my mouth faster than I could walk away. I was stuck. We exchanged pleasantries and that was that. Again I chucked another text message into the wind. Nothing. Nothing comes back. Are paths crossed again. Being the bigger person I said hi, you coldly said hello and darted away. I figured you were busy.

This game needs to stop. I am tired of it. I am sorry, I truly am sorry for whatever I said, did or text to you. It was never my intention to hurt you. I met you at the wrong time. I met you when my life as I knew it was slipping through my fingers. It was changing faster than I can spell Mississippi. Its funny one year ago today I was sitting next to you carrying on a conversation. Your ADHD brain switching topics faster than I could think. Yet, I kept up with you as you chatted about your job, your new bike, daughter, and whale wars.

To be honest I didn’t know where it would go and how it would end. It didn’t really end, it just kind of fizzled. An life got busy for me and you.

I explained this all to Charlie. He looked at me, ha Amjay connect four I win! take a shot!. I downed the shot. Charlie always laughs as I wiggle after taking a shot of whiskey. He tells me ” You’d make a sad man, men don’t wiggle after downing a shot of whiskey!”

An babes “Men don’t walk away from unfinished business. Fate will give you the chance to explain. You just need to be patient and let things flow. If he never mans up, its his loss and well he’ll just have to be angry forever. There’s nothing you can do to change how he feels. He doesn’t know you, he is missing out on the real AmandaJean that we all know and love. Hell what man doesn’t like a woman who swears like a truck driver. You need to put your manly pants on and think like a man hun.”

Oh boy. Manly pants. I don’t think I have manly pants. Ha! Charlie look at that connect four! I win. “See babes you’ve got your manly pants on!” Hard liquor doesn’t fix everything, but playing a game takes your mind off the world. Charlie maybe on to something here.

It’s funny how life goes. We always hear stories about other women and never once think “That could happen to me.”

I’ve always had dreams of being a mom. Mothering is something that I am good at. I raised my x husbands child and carried a baby that’s now in heaven. After my child loss everyone told me “Oh you will be pregnant soon enough, don’t worry its just a fluke, and you’ll be a mom again.” Those words brought me awkward comfort. Comfort that never settled into a calm.

Calm is what I wish my life was full of. But it’s not, some days I wish I could get off the train and then I remember all of the people counting on me. I don’t have time to be sick, to rest, and no time to just be a lump. My life is full of blessings and moments of laughter. Those moments remind me that I have a purpose.

A purpose to change the world, to make a difference, and to serve those in needed. A purpose that doesn’t have time to be sick. In April I learned that my uterus is full of pre-cancerous cells. Cells that are not normal and will not go away on their own. My options are a D&C to scrape the uterus clean or the more drastic eviction of my uterus a partial hysterectomy. I wanted to burst into tears at the news, instead I held it in and looked blankly out the window.

For me a D&C is out of the question. I had a D&C when I lost Alucious and I am never, mark my word going down that road again. The D&C did not go well, it left me with a 4 inch rip in my uterus and a damaged cervix. I am not putting myself through that again. This option would save my uterus and would possibly allow me to carry a child.

At 28 I never thought I would be watching my fertility slip through my fingers. No one ever told me, “Hey 28 year olds face some tough shit. You are going to be one of those girls.” I’ve come to far in life to give up. My birth control almost took my life, I survived a stroke and PE, to me I can and will do anything to survive.

The doctor brought in a counselor for me to talk to. She gave my pamphlets on egg retrieval and surrogates. I thought to myself “Are these people nuts, hormones are what put me into this mess.” Then she explained that embryos survive better than eggs alone do. What the flip, I am not even married I said. I would feel terrible if I met a man one day and said “Hey yea I don’t have a uterus but, umm I’ve got embryos it’s not your sperm, but yea it will be our baby.” I would feel terrible knowing that I took a man’s right to reproduce away. Everyone deserves to see themselves recreated and to feel the birth of their child. I can’t go down that road.

Roads right now are pointing to the eviction of my uterus. I am still taking time to let this sink in. Part of me hopes that this is all a dream. Yet, I wake up each day and my broken no good uterus is still with me. Stupid thing! To be honest I feel cheated by God, cheated out of the right to carry, to birth my own child. For now I am taking it day by day. I am exploring all of my options and at this point I am not ready to say good-bye to my uterus. I’ve had it for 28 years and I am not ready to give up on it. With or without the pre cancerous cells, my uterus still won’t be able to carry a child. Thank you inter uterine scaring, a mark left from a bad D&C.

I am a fighter through and through. I’ve got an amazing family and a bunch of awesome Ninjas that I happily call friends. I cried my tears shouted and stomped, now its time to take action. Action to save my life. I will not be harvesting my eggs, hormones are what got me into this mess in the first place. So one day when I am 80, just maybe I will adopt a beautiful baby. Today I am ok with being childless and look forward to a life filled with adventures. My broken uterus is a part of me and if I must evict her, then I will serve that notice with pride.

When I was little I loved playing the game battleship. Something about it was mysterious and wonderful. There is no logic behind it, the game is simply won purely by chance. An I like chances.

Chances are like new shoots sprouting up from the ground. In the spring everything gets a chance to regrow, renew, and often we find rebirth in our selves. We discover parts of our selves that laid in hibernation during the cold winter months, our toes revel in the sun, and our hearts are filled with hope. The spring air is filled with hope, with the static of thoughts muttered, and the anticipation of change.

Saturday I laid on the floor of Charlies down town condo, my game board in front of me, Minneapolis was glowing outside the windows and the TFC tower blinked like a beacon in the night. B14 I shouted with a grin. B14 Charlie, did I finally get a hit. With a giggle he said nope, you missed. It should be known that I rarely win at battleship. But this night proved to be victorious, the game went on for hours and I, I finally sunk all of his ships. Charlie rolled on the floor laughing at my excitement and said “God, I wish Connor was here to see you right now.” Soon my excitement dwindled, looking at the floor, I whispered I know Charlie, I know, I miss him. Charlie whispered back “I miss him to doll, I miss him too.”

I got up from our game and gazed out at the Minneapolis skyline. I had so many questions that have yet to be answered. Charlie stood by me and said ” ya know he was my brother, my best friend. I want to love someone the way Connor loved you. Amjay He loved you more than you could ever imagine.” Then why did he leave Charlie? One by one the sky scrapers lights were dimmed and now I looked into a black abyss. An Abyss that was unfamiliar and then I remembered that hot July day. That day was the last time I heard Connor’s voice.

Over the past year I played our last conversation over and over in my head. Did I even pause to ask Connor how he was doing, did I even say I love you as I hung up the phone, and did I tell him that he was one of my bestest Bffs? The questions will haunt me for eternity. All I can remember is telling Connor about my new singlehood, about my IKEA filled apartment, and about my BFF going awall. Telling him about the drama that played out one hot July day.

Charlie asked me as we looked out the window “what did you talk to Connor about that day?” I told him it was drama, meaningless drama. I explained how four people collided together into a dramatic rapture. Each having their own piece in the drama pie, each one over reacting, and under reacting at the sticky emotions that erupted before us. Of fake Twitter accounts, blog posts that wield hurtful words, distrust, hacked email accounts, and a friendship lost. Charlie cocked an eye brow “that makes no sense Amjay, no sense.” Charlie I know it makes no sense at all. But it happened and if you must know one of the people who caused it is two floors below us.

The funny part is, this whole dramatic situation really didn’t include me, I was part of the soup by association. Two people came to a head. A Geek and a girl needed to hash out their differences, their grievances, and emotions over a blog post. The whole thing was unsettled drama from the fall and it, it finally came to a head. They settled it and we moved on with our lives. Well mostly moved on, more words were exchanged, betrayal was shouted, and finally the friendship ended as quickly as it started. If I had to do it over again, I would choose the Attorney over wallowing over drinks in a bar.

Charlie quietly asked “and what did Connor tell you Amjay, what advice did he give you that day.” Looking Charlie in the eye, Connor told me to seek out the truth, to look in the mirror, and to reach out to the Geek. Reach out I did. Lucky for me she reached back and a friendship was born out of dramatic chaos. Something good came out of that hot July day and my life has been better because of it.

Connor often said life is like battleship, no one knows when the next peg is going to fall in place or when our ships will sink in turbulent rapture. We have to trust in our vessels and pray that they will carry us to our destination. That we dodge the bombs, the critics, and dance to our own tune. That each choice, guess, or assumption we make is a risk. A risk that is worth taking. Connor said to me once ” If you have one boat a float you are doing all right. Just ride this river until you reach your destination.”

I turned away from the windows and looked back at the game laying on the floor. I swear I heard Connors laughter in my ear. Charlie was looking at me and threw his arms around me. We stood there for a few moments in a tight hug and he whispered in my ear ” Love, as long as you play the game, you’re doing all right.” Tears melted on to my cheeks, I whispered back thank you, I needed that.

The other day I was asked “How did you come up with the name for your blog?” Its simple really, have bear will travel was born during my semester in Scotland. Alfred the bear was and still is my trusty travel side kick. Have bear will travel is an evolution from a single college girl studying abroad, to a young married woman with a family, and now it chronicles my journey as a young divorcee.

The blog originally started on the E-Hive of UW-Superior, moved to blog spot, and now rests at word press. During my transfer from E-Hive to blog spot a lot of the content was lost and had to be redone. In 2010 I decided to make the move to word press and did not bring over all of the content.

One thing will always remain, an that are the posts regarding Nylan. Nylan was a big part of my life and my love for him still remains. One day he will be old enough to question what happened and the answers will be waiting for him here. Here, he will read my words, see photos, and know that one woman loved him so much that she maintained her memories for him.

Memories that will remind me of how far I have come and where I am headed in life. I admit when I travel tucked inside my suit case is a ratty old teddy bear named Alfred. Little girls never grow up, they just put on high heels. I know that no matter where I go in this world I am not alone and Alfred reminds me of home. Home, of the people who I love, have lost, and those I have yet to meet. That crusty ratty teddy bear makes the journey even sweeter. Plus he also acts as an impromptu pillow on overseas flights.

As long as I have the bear I will travel. Travel though this life knocking down walls and taking names without question. Life is a journey worth taking. An I….I am going to take that journey with Alfred tucked into my carry on bag.

I count myself lucky. Lucky to have the Mother that I have. She always believed in me and fought for what she knew I could become. Our road together has been far from easy, yet its lined with laughter, determination, and tears of dreams realized.

My mama has always told me in life that the words “I can’t” do not exist and that as long as I believed it would be all right. When the mountain seems to high, she’s silently there cheering me on to the next peak. Cheering me on in my dreams and helping me glue the pieces back together when they come crashing down.

My dreams were realized because of my Mother. Because of her determination to see her daughters succeed. I remember her tired eyes after her second shift, the moments we would wait for her to come home, those two jobs kept us a float. Her work ethic is extraordinary. We never went without, what ever we wanted was laid in our hands, and our lives were enriched by her love.

By a love so strong that it could warm a million hearts. A love that has extended across the seas and to the deserts of Egypt. She has given me what she never had growing up. A life of love, happiness, and possibilities. An for that I will be forever in debt to this woman, to the woman who gave up her dreams, so that mine could come true.

I love you today, tomorrow and always. You truly are the worlds greatest Mom. Thank you for giving me your ninja antics and kung fu goodness. I know that with you at my side I will be able to conquer the world.

I Love you bunches Mama

There are big beautiful things a foot right now. Soon I will let the details escape from my secret sack. Until that moment when the star is in my hand, I will clinch the sack tightly closed.

Opportunity draws me in, like a moth to a flame. Each chapter, adventure, and page carries a promise of a brighter future.

For a while, I have let fear and intimidation rule my chance at opportunity. I strayed from it, happily going on my course. Yet, I wasn’t satisfied. I wanted something more. Only one thing stood between me and my something more. A little thing called intimidation. An that intimidation stands at about 5′ 7″ inches tall.

That 5′ 7″ something and I met last June. Was it fate who knows. Our friendship had run its course, got tossed off a cliff by a hippo, and then quietly awkwardly ended. Ended into an awkward abyss. Of me darting out of restaurants, bars, Target and what have you, out of fear. Fear of awkwardness, of owing an explanation, and quite frankly I didn’t want the drama. So I chose to dart, dive, and run. yes, I know that doesn’t seem like a ninja thing to do, but Ninjas, they are good at running.

So it seems the hands of fate are once again at work. I realize now, that I won’t be able to dodge, duck, and dart. That would look awkward and unprofessional. So I am silently keeping my fingers crossed that it will go without incident and that professionalism will rule. An no one, not even a tiny paralegal will get smooshed.